A few years ago, I read the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. The author tells the story of divorcing her husband, quitting her job and traveling the world in order to find herself. As I read her book, I remember thinking that was a very selfish act on her part. Personally, I would never leave my family to go find myself. Who does that?
Then my husband of thirty-five years died. My children were grown with families of their own. I was alone for the first time in my life. I instinctively knew that in order to survive I, too, would have to go in search of myself.
I began to – not just grieve but – really grieve. By that I mean, I let myself descend into the depths of pain, which before the loss of my late husband I had never experienced. I wrote and wrote in my grief journal about my thoughts, my life, my love and my pain. I began to pray like I never had before, and I called on God for help and comfort.
Next, I began to eat. For the first time in my life, I had no need or worries about feeding anyone else. I just had to take care of me. What a weird feeling it is to just be responsible for yourself, especially after so many years of being a wife and mother. I got to drink all the green smoothies I wanted, and I even had popcorn for dinner if I chose.
Soon, love came into my life and from a very unexpected source. I embraced that new love, knowing that it was a part of the path I desired to follow in order to find my spirituality and my new life. In essence, it was a gift from my God.
This morning, I woke up thinking about Elizabeth Gilbert and her book. Then I realized that I had, in fact, gone on my own journey of self-discovery. However, unlike Ms. Gilbert, I did not travel to Italy to eat, or India to pray, or Bali, Indonesia to find love. I stayed in my own country while I prayed for my healing, ate to care for myself, and learned to love myself and others.
Has your widowhood put you on your own journey of self-discovery? Throughout my journey, I was (and still am) spurred on by the memories of my late husband and his love of life, his constant search for new adventure, and his willingness to accept and love others. The fact that I take time for myself is helping me to become a better person while honoring his memory.
Feel free to comment and tell the group about the path you’re traveling.
I am on that journey. My husband of 42 years passed Jan. 21, 2015 and I have never been so alone. I have just kept to myself, shut others out, my children are grown, I have custody of a grandson, he is 15, no parental input or support. I love him like there is no tomorrow but that being said, I am not handling the “TEEN” thing very well. He is taken care of and fed and clothes clean, he does his studies, and I thank God he is a good kid. I don’t know what to do….I want him to stay with me, but the selfish part of me wants this time to myself to find what “me” needs. I have thought about selling the house and moving away, or traveling, or just closing myself up in my room and never come out. I haven’t had the time to greive, but I also haven’t wanted to face it. My husband and I married while I was still in high school and I went from sharing a room with my sister to sharing a home with my husband and children. My youngest child is very understanding and sympathetic but he has met someone and I don’t want him to feel tied to me for fear that I need something. I want him to be happy, that is all I want for either of my kids. I am in church, but just in body, my mind is not open to worship or socializing with others. I want to find me, the real place that I need to be.
I cared for my mom for 10 years, she was almost blind, so I fixed her meds, meals, took her to get hair done, and got her groceries, she passed the day before Thanksgiving 2013 from a sudden stroke.
I cared for my older brother and he was single, 66 and got sick, he had stage 4 Lymphoma and only lived 2 weeks after we found out. I brought him to my home with hospice and cared for him as I always promised I would do…..Glad I had that time with him. He was my rock after my dad passed in 1996.
My husband had triple bypass 9-1-14 and recovered perfectly, felt wonderful, we finally got to spend some time with each other and were just re-discovering ourselves as a couple. Then he had a major heart-attack and never recovered. I am so lost. I have nobody to care for that “needs” me. I really feel so unneeded, and unwanted, and just downright unnecessary. I needed to say this and I have written it on paper also. I just don’t know where to turn. I pray daily for guidence and I know it will come but I feel so alone all the time. I don’t want to be this person, I just want to be happy again and feel like the world would miss me if I were not here. Thanks, Debi