Before my husband Ray died, I used to “go along, to get along.” In fact, I think I spent my life trying to please others. For example, I would do or say whatever I thought would make someone else’s life better or easier. If I took on the blame, or let someone else take the credit, I was making the ultimate sacrifice, which I believed would enable others to love and accept me.
My wake-up call came at the funeral home on the day I was to view my husband’s body for the last time. It was to be just me, my daughter, my son-in-law and my grandson. This moment in my mind was to be shared only with them. It was my desire that the four of us would have a very private, personal few moments together. Unfortunately, it was not to be.
An outsider decided to make his presence more important than my wishes. This person stayed in the room and took over tender conversations that I alone wanted to have with my grandson. Additionally, this person gave answers to questions not asked and offered prayers without invitation.
I stood in shocked silence while letting this all take place because I did not want to disappoint anyone. After all, even in that moment, everyone else’s feelings were more important than mine … I thought! After all, I was a people-pleaser. Hmm… does the word doormat come to mind?
A few days after the funeral home experience, I just woke up. It was like I had been sleeping my whole life. I became determined that I would never ever again allow someone to rob me of my power.
Speaking up for myself at times has not been easy. I must admit, as I master this new skill, I have made some mistakes. However, it is a skill worth learning, so I will keep trying because loving myself is what gives me the power to love others.
I have always been a person to keep my true feelings hidden and because of that I suffered two serious episodes of anxiety and depression. My husband of 50 years passed away Sept. 2014 and I will always miss him. Very unexpected illness of pancreatic cancer; watching him deteriorate was very hard. I was able to care for him as I am a retired nurse. I must learn to speak up about my feelings no matter how the other person reacts ( done with respect and kindness). I am supported by a loving family and thank God for all the years of happiness our marriage brought. Thank you for your words of wisdom and I am sorry for your loss.
I related reading your comments. I lost my husband of almost 30 years in 1999 and still haven’t been able to move on with my life. I have a wonderful daughter 49 and granddaughter 17 and son in law, and we are all very close. But as much as I love them, they cannot fill that hole in my heart that I haven’t been able to close. I have tried moving on , dating, friends, job and so on, but find myself too many times preferring to be by myself and very depressed. Therapy does not work. My heart hurts and my life feels like I have no purpose. Thank you for listening…..
How can you be joyful??? My husband also died in August 2012 and it has been a constant struggle just to keep myself sane. So many things have happened that I just can’t get a break trying to do it all on my own. I wish I felt joyful but I just don’t.