As an adult I sit and think back to my childhood, I realized that we didn’t talk much. Well we didn’t talk about the things that would soon infect my life. Most importantly we didn’t really talk about the sudden death of my father. At the age of 6 it is hard to truly understand what death really meant. The one thing that I knew was that my father was gone never to return. Even though my mother was married to another man she was truly devastated. I can recall how she would cry at times or when I would ask about my father the look on her face as if someone was stabbing her in the heart. But most of the time as a child I missed her pain because I was drowning in my own pain. How could I get pass the pain when I couldn’t share how hurt I really was? I often wanted to know was anyone thinking about me? That thought haunted me for the greater part of my life.
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e way I was raised was to just keep things to yourself. If you were hurt get over it and move on. The one thing that I still hate to hear is that time heals all wounds. Who was the fool that came up with this saying?? Time did not heal my wound because even to this day it still hurts but I have learned to deal with it. What would have helped me to move forward a little better would have been the chance to share my heart with my mother or my grandmother. I would have felt a release if I could have shared just how angry I was. I was MAD AS HELL!!! I can recall a family member saying well you didn’t really know your father like that. Well guess what I knew that I had a father and he was gone. I also knew that all my friends had their father’s and I longed to have that in my life. People can be ignorant when it comes to death this is why I wished I could have been open about how I was suffering. I had an argument in school one time and this child told me, “that’s why your daddy is dead!” I punched the boy in the face and I didn’t want to stop. I was so angry as a kid. I never really shared with my family how the loss of my father was pushing me over the edge. How could they look at me everyday and not ask if I was okay? Did anyone ever think that there was a war raging on the inside of me? Had we been open and honest with one another about how my father’s death was bothering me some things would have been different for me. A child should never have to walk around holding all of that pain on the inside. Now there were times that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my mother because of the pain I saw on her face.
I wanted t know all about my father. Was he kind, what he liked to eat, what were some of the things he like to do? Was I in any way like him? How was he as a father in his short time with me? Did we spend a lot of time together? How did others view him as a man? What were some of his dreams? Why didn’t the relationship work? Just so many questions and I never felt like I could go to my mom with them. I wanted to share this with you because I will never know the pain that you are experiencing as the widow but I do know the pain of the child. It is hard for us to watch you suffer as mom trying to navigate your way through but it is also hard for us. Sometimes we don’t know what to say or if we should say anything at all as not to upset you. But just know that as children there are so many things that we would love to talk about when it comes to our fathers. Not all children will be ready to talk but it is always nice to know that the door is open.
About Christina Saunders
As hard as it can be at times, I entertain my daughter’s questions and conversations about her Daddy and her feelings. She was 5 when he died. She’s 10 now. I believe that she’s rehearsing her memories of him so she doesn’t forget him. I feel like it is my duty to provide that for her regardless of my feelings.
I only imagine how hard it can be. I recall looking at my mother’s face and the sadness in her eyes. That you to hurt me so bad because I felt like it was my fault. I now know that it was just her pain. I can relate to the playback of memories so that you don’t forget.
Thank you Christina, you give me an insight into what my children are feeling but may not be able to express…
You’re welcome!!!
Hello Christina. It´s great that you say what you felt and still feel. So we can imagine or relate your feelings with our kids. As a mum I can say that everything hurts a lot (losing our husband and losing our children´s dad) because it´s unfair what our kids are suffering. In my case, my son is 4 years old and now it´s been 5 months since we don´t have daddy at home. Yesterday he told me “Mum why don´t we die and go with daddy?”. And as I told you in another post before I feel like drowning. I cannot swallow, even it´s hard to breath. Thanks for sharing your experience!
I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you to have that conversation with your son but hard as out is it is truly important for him to where he is right now. I’m a mother now and it would break my heart to judge that talk with my children. They often ask me questions about my father that I don’t have the answers too but I do my best to give them a picture of the man I remember. Thank youfor sharing this with me. And thank you for allowing me to share with you!