This One Goes Out to Our Friends

Disclaimer: This is written based on things I have felt going through my personal journey as well as things I have heard other widows say. Obviously, I can’t truly speak for all widowed people nor do I feel as passionately about some of what I am about to say as other widows do.  So, please, confirm what I am about to say with those in your circle.  Thank you!

Hello to all of our friends!  It’s us…your widow friends, and we need to talk.  We want to have an open and honest conversation with you.  

First off, let us just say that dealing with grief and death is uncomfortable.  We get that it’s hard to walk alongside us during this emotional, challenging, and gut-wrenching time.  Please don’t give up on us.  Chances are we will turn down your invitations several times.  We as that you don’t stop asking us to do things.  Be patient.  Keep trying.   

We also ask that you don’t force us to put on a happy face all the time.  Let us be real.  Love us through it.  Give us grace when we have difficult moments.  Never ask when we are going to “get over it”, and please don’t expect us to be “back to normal” in 2 months, 6 months or even a year.  Understand that we have lost our person.  The one we pledged forever to.  This takes time, and we are trying.

If you are a married friend reading this, we are so very happy that you still have the love of your life.  Never in a million years would we wish this journey on anyone, but we also want you to fully understand that this can happen to you.  We don’t want to scare you or make you sad, but we want to make sure that you are aware and prepared.  Research your state’s laws regarding spousal rights after death.  Study up to find out what happens to your home or any debts after your spouse dies.  Don’t assume you have the answers.  Know that it is never too early to get a will, but it can be too late. 

Please don’t forget to get life insurance.  Can’t afford a huge policy?  That is okay.  Funerals are expensive, and it is often hard to go back to work after you have faced this loss.  Every little bit helps.  When you are grieving, the last thing you want to do is worry about money.  

Most of our friends that are single are so because they have gone through a breakup or divorce.  Some of those relationships ended in some pretty harsh ways, and we feel for you.  We can empathize with you, and you with us.  While we are all grieving, please know that our grief journey is different.  We want you to appreciate that our losses are not the same.  Do not compare solo parenting (no help from another parent ever) to single parenting (help from another parent at least occasionally).    

To all of our friends, both married and single, we don’t feel that our situation is necessarily harder than anything you are going or have gone through.  We know that we can come across that way at times when we are deep in our grief.  Please give us time to process everything and time to heal. If you need to talk to us about something we have done that bothered you, especially during the first year, please do so with love.  Make sure that you don’t do it during a highly emotional time. 

All of this is said out of love.  Truly, we love you and value our friendship.  We want our friendship to grow closer during this difficult situation rather than apart.  We just know that we can’t expect anyone who hasn’t been through this to fully understand, so open and honest communication is key.  Do any other widows have some advice to add?  Please feel free to share in the comments.

About Dawn Cole

Dawn’s life was forever altered on December 6, 2018 when she got the call that her husband, Jeffrey, had passed away at his work. She quickly learned that Jeff died from a gunshot wound, and detectives determined that it was self-inflicted. Dawn still struggles to wrap her brain around that fact. She will tell you that most days she doesn’t think about that part of it at all. Her husband is gone. The manner in which he died ultimately doesn’t matter. Gone is gone. He will forever be 46. Jeff and Dawn started out as friends in the Fall of 1997. They started to date in January of 1999. On September 3rd, 2000, in front of a beautiful lake, Jeff asked Dawn to be his wife, lover and friend forever. She excitedly accepted, and on June 30th, 2001, they became husband and wife. Together, Jeff and Dawn had 3 children...Ali, Josh & Meghan. During the majority of their 17 years of marriage, Dawn was a housewife and Jeff ran a fencing company. The kind of fencing that keeps children and animals contained. Not the kind of fencing that uses a sword. After Jeff passed, Dawn went back to school to get her special education endorsement. She is proud to be a special education teacher. In her free time, she can usually be found spending time with family and friends. Reading has been her passion since she was just a little girl, but since Jeff passed, she has found it hard to focus on reading. While that is a negative change that has happened on her journey, one positive change is that she has been writing more. Dawn tries to be very open about her journey with the hopes that it will help even just one other person better understand grief. For years, Dawn has been passionate about spreading joy to those around her. She continues to be that way, and now she is very purposeful about trying to focus on the positive things even during a horrible situation. She moves forward on this journey with her mind focused on continuing to honor Jeffrey, as well as trying to raise their three wonderful children in a way that will make him proud. Her hope is to live a life that will allow her to see Jeff in Heaven. She wants to see his smile again and feel his arms around her. Of course, that will be after she hopefully hears her Lord say, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”