Do you have the feeling it all happened too fast, that you seem to have been robbed of something precious? I feel terrible at times because he used to always tell me that I work too hard, that I should smell the roses more. Well, now, I know what he meant. I keep kicking myself for not having taken more holidays, for not having listened more carefully. That really, really bugs me. Have you ever half-listened? He’s talking and you’re listening, but your mind is on something else that you thought was important at the time, but it really wasn’t because now I would kill to have that time to listen!
September has been an especially trying month. I guess because it is back to the routine, because it’s back to places and spaces, and family get-togethers where he’s missing.
It was my grandson’s 14th birthday on September 21st. It was wonderful to be there and spend time with my daughter and the kids and share his day, but at the same time there was
this deep sense of loss, a huge pit now where Barrie’s presence once was.
He simply wasn’t there. It always feels so weird, like something isn’t right. It sure isn’t, he’s missing. There’s no playing with the kids, there’s no speaking English-Spanish. Hugo and Noah loved it when Barrie said things in Spanish, it was so funny to them. He loved to make them giggle.
He loved his children and grandchildren! Each and every one of them was so dear to his heart, so special; he treasured them all so much, the ones that were with him and the ones that were far away.
So much so, that the last year was devastating for both of us because he struggled to remember all the names. Between us we have 8 grandchildren: 7 boys and one precious little princess.
I could see it in his eyes, the days he was more lucid, the pain of losing memories. It was so sad. I was there for him, I had my phone with all the pictures, and all the stories. The names of his children and his grandchildren.
I miss him so much! I wish we had had more time. I wish I had been more present.
Nowadays, I try to treasure my moments with people I care about. I don’t want to miss out. I don’t want to have to think again, I didn’t have enough time. I wish I had listened more. I wish I had been more present! Because now I know that it can all be gone too fast!
About Carmen Medina
Carmen is a 65-year-old widow who is living in Spain. She was born in Vancouver, B.C., Canada to Spanish parents. Since 2019 she has been living in Antequera in the south of Spain. She was married to Barrie Eggington, her soul mate and love of her life till he passed away on December 23rd, 2023, after a long battle with lung cancer.
Thanks to Hope for Widows, which she found online just a few weeks after his passing, Carmen found a group who not only understood what she was going through when few others did, but also solace in her sisters in grief, a place where she could express her feelings and find the resonance she needed.
Carmen has been an English teacher and teacher trainer for over 30 years in Europe, the Middle East and North America. She still teaches English and is the principal at the government funded language school where she is currently working. She spends her time with her daughter and grandchildren. She goes to the gym every day, loves the beach, particularly Torremolinos where she reminisces about the time she spent there with her late husband.