Raw

This isn’t going to be your typical blog post from me.  This one is going to be raw and messy.  Hold onto your horses!

Today is two years since Jeffrey decided to leave us.  At the moment I am writing this, it is around the time we were all getting ready for work and school and he said, “Come get you some!” and gave me a really big hug.  I thought he was being playful and loving.  I look back today and kick myself for not holding onto him and making him stay home with us.  Hindsight is not my friend!

Let me say that most days I have learned to cope and move forward.  For the sake of my children, I had to learn quickly how to work through my grief in a healthy way.  I went to one-on-one counseling for a year, and I also went through two rounds of Grief Share.  I’ve learned to incorporate Jeff into my life still, focus on eternity, and move forward bringing him with me. Yes, I have moments that are hard, but on the whole, I am doing fairly well at two years out.

This week has been tough though!  Holidays, special days, and the stupid angelversary are HARD!  This whole week I have felt like I just want to crawl out of my skin.  I have also been easily irritated and want to punch poor innocent people who haven’t done a single thing wrong.  Don’t worry I haven’t done that.  

It has been extremely hard for my brain to focus this week.  I am not ADHD, but this week, I think I have gotten a glimpse of what it could be like.  Not fun!  Especially when I had a final to take.  Ugh, my chest has also hurt this week, but thankfully, I now understand that grief affects me this way.  No more running to the ER thinking I am having a heart attack.

I have looked at my children many times this week and just gotten extremely angry at Jeff.  They are now 18, 16, and 14, and they have grown and changed so much over the last couple of years.  He has missed out on so much, and that has made me so angry!  He has also caused them so much pain, and the momma bear in me is livid about that this week.  

That last one is hard on my brain right now.  I know he loved them very much.  So, why would he leave them and put them through this?  We have dealt with failing grades, poor attitudes, depression, suicidal thoughts, and other tough stuff.  I’m a solo mom doing my very best, but I need Jeff!!  

For the most part, I have learned to work through my anger.  Elsa was onto something with her whole “Let it go!” song.  Seriously, I have learned that anger doesn’t serve me.  It only hurts me.  So, I am very good at praying and releasing it when I start to feel it, but not this week.  Nope.  It’s just lingering like an unwelcome guest.  As you might imagine, I don’t like to feel anger towards my husband, and this has caused my brain major discomfort this week.

Underneath it all, I feel desperately sad this week.  My love language is quality time, and my husband was a workaholic.  I often had to directly tell him that I missed him and needed time with him, and I learned that it was okay to be direct with him.  Two years is a long time to not have that quality time that I crave, and there is nothing I can do about it.  He isn’t here to tell.  I miss his hugs, jokes, and dance moves.  I miss having a partner who would provide me with love, kindness, and support.  I hate that he isn’t here for me to cherish and do loving things like fix dinner, pack his lunch, or leave him a little note in his truck.  And I miss that he isn’t here to cherish me and do loving things for me like bring me home a kit kat from the gas station or leave a note for me in a random spot.  I try not to focus on how sad it is to do life without him, but it is.  This week I can’t hide that fact.

Today, I am going to put on my big girl pants and drag my body out of this bed.  I am going to talk about, and to, Jeffrey just like I do everyday.  I am going to bake molasses cookies because he loved them.  Before he passed he told me for Christmas I needed to bake 6 dozen molasses cookies.  Last year, I baked way more than that.  We are going to bring home dinner from a pizza place he liked, and we are going to gripe about how the crust has changed over the years just like he would.   We aren’t going to go to the cemetery.  My girls really don’t like to go there, my son will but would rather not, and I just don’t feel his presence there.  I did in the first year, but now honestly, I feel closer to him here in our home that we shared and out at a lake we used to go to. 

There you have it, Ladies.  A raw look inside my brain on this dreaded and dreadful day.  As you know, it’s not an easy journey after you lose someone you love.  There is no right way to grieve.  If you are new to this grief walk, let me give you some hope.  The days overall are better than when Jeff first passed, but big moments are still difficult.  I imagine they always will be, and that is okay…and normal really.

Edited on 12/07/2020 to Add…

Y’all, I wrote my post at the start of the day yesterday, and by the end of the day, I felt like I had ran a marathon!  My oldest seemed to have the most difficult time yesterday, and my momma heart was just breaking for her.  Then this morning, my youngest told me she had a dream that everyone she loved was gone.  She was a mess for about 30 minutes.  My son seemed to handle the day just fine, but I don’t trust those strong, silent types for a minute.  I know he isn’t unphased by everything.  Today, I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted!  I have told God and Jeff how I feel about this whole situation, which helped me a bit.  I just hope Jeff can hear me and knows that he is very much loved and missed, but he is also on my poop list for making a reckless decision that tragically altered so many lives.

About Dawn Cole

Dawn’s life was forever altered on December 6, 2018 when she got the call that her husband, Jeffrey, had passed away at his work. She quickly learned that Jeff died from a gunshot wound, and detectives determined that it was self-inflicted. Dawn still struggles to wrap her brain around that fact. She will tell you that most days she doesn’t think about that part of it at all. Her husband is gone. The manner in which he died ultimately doesn’t matter. Gone is gone. He will forever be 46. Jeff and Dawn started out as friends in the Fall of 1997. They started to date in January of 1999. On September 3rd, 2000, in front of a beautiful lake, Jeff asked Dawn to be his wife, lover and friend forever. She excitedly accepted, and on June 30th, 2001, they became husband and wife. Together, Jeff and Dawn had 3 children...Ali, Josh & Meghan. During the majority of their 17 years of marriage, Dawn was a housewife and Jeff ran a fencing company. The kind of fencing that keeps children and animals contained. Not the kind of fencing that uses a sword. After Jeff passed, Dawn went back to school to get her special education endorsement. She is proud to be a special education teacher. In her free time, she can usually be found spending time with family and friends. Reading has been her passion since she was just a little girl, but since Jeff passed, she has found it hard to focus on reading. While that is a negative change that has happened on her journey, one positive change is that she has been writing more. Dawn tries to be very open about her journey with the hopes that it will help even just one other person better understand grief. For years, Dawn has been passionate about spreading joy to those around her. She continues to be that way, and now she is very purposeful about trying to focus on the positive things even during a horrible situation. She moves forward on this journey with her mind focused on continuing to honor Jeffrey, as well as trying to raise their three wonderful children in a way that will make him proud. Her hope is to live a life that will allow her to see Jeff in Heaven. She wants to see his smile again and feel his arms around her. Of course, that will be after she hopefully hears her Lord say, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”