I try to make my posts reflective and upbeat, but today I am going to whine a little. Well, maybe more than a little depending on what your definition of little is.

I miss my husband!! I see couples together this holiday season and say to myself, “That’s how it was supposed to be for me!” We were supposed to get old together, play with grandkids together, tell each other how to drive, hold hands, get colonoscopies together, serve an LDS mission together, and make sure the other person took their old person meds. You are supposed to be muttering under your breath while untangling Christmas lights and studying the Cabelas catalog for Christmas present ideas.

I tell myself he and I will be together in the next life. While that gives me much comfort, what if I live another 45 years like my almost 95 year old neighbor? F o r t y-f i v e years without seeing him? I just want to roll up into a ball in a chair and cry.

Why do I have to learn how to replace a car battery or a headlight? Figure out the best vegetable varieties for the garden? Be the sole breadwinner? Solve all the issues while raising our family? Husband, that was what you did! We are a team!


There. I am feeling much better.

Please don’t misunderstand, I have a wonderful life. I am truly happy. I have my health, family, supportive friends, a home, a purpose, and a spiritual foundation. I look forward to what adventures my future holds. But I ain’t gonna lie, this widow thing gets tough. Thankfully, not as often as two years ago, but it does happen. And it does help me to be able to publicly state that it can be awful. Awful, but not impossible.

Tonight, I am looking forward to climbing into my snuggy bed after thanking my Heavenly Father for His help through the pain. I am going to thank Him for the things in the last paragraph. I am going to thank Him for the knowledge I have I will be with my husband again. Then I am going to soundly sleep.