I am sorry I did not post last week. Despite flu shots, the flu paid our family a visit. I do not know what I would have typed in my drugged state, but I am guessing it would have probably been rather entertaining. We are doing great now!
In the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to visit with a people who have recently lost their spouses. Some joined our group a matter of days ago, others a few months ago. While each spouse’s death was different, the widowed all had the same look in their eyes when I spoke with them.
I told them while this experience is really, really hard, they were going to be okay. The look each gave me was identical to the one I gave my widowed friends who told me the same thing when Don died. It was a look of indescribable grief mixed with disbelief and the hope that what I was saying was really true. One said, “Really? Do you mean that?” It isn’t easy, but it is oh, so true. I wanted to tell them so much more about this new journey, but I didn’t want to overwhelm them. I just wanted them to know they will be okay.
Each one I spoke with is at a point where “okay” is so foreign. What does “okay” mean now? When will it happen? Is it a single event or a process? Do I announce, “Ta Da! I am okay now!” What does it look like? What else is going to happen to me before I feel “okay”? Will those around me be okay?
Being widowed, each of us is in a unique position to be learning or have learned the answers to these questions. I encourage you, when you are comfortable, to reassure others on this journey they will be okay.
I decided to see a grief counselor to help me on this journey forward. Mostly she just listens and then feeds back what she hears me saying. It is reaffirming, and it is helping me realize that I am handling things in an “okay” way for me. One other thing that has helped is that, as a caregiver, there were so many little things I didn’t do for myself. I was too tired when I finally had time. Now I am giving myself a facial or doing my nails or soaking in the tub. All these little acts of kindness to myself help me to redefine myself as a person outside of the couple relationship.