***The Widow Bomb: The precise moment someone realizes you are widowed; the beginning of said person’s rude, insensitive and/or awkward treatment of you; the end of your relationship with said person.
Step 1: The Build
First and foremost on dates, act like you are normal. I know this can be difficult while existing in the Widow Hood, but with a little bit of alcohol and a quick chant at the foot of your Beyonce altar, anything is possible.
The detonation of the widow bomb is all about the timing. One must build up to the explosion as slowly as possibly in order to achieve the greatest level of personal satisfaction upon detonation…..and we’d all be lying if we didn’t admit that there is indeed a level of satisfaction upon seeing the horrified look on people’s faces when we tell them we are widowed.
During small talk with your unsuspecting date, at all costs, avoid your marital status. Change the subject. People love to talk about themselves so redirect any and all personal questions back to your date.
Example (this may or may not be a true story of something that actually happened to me):
Them: So how long have you been divorced?
You: I’m not divorced. This wine is really good! How’s your beer?
Them: Good. So you never married your kids’ father?
You: Yes, we were married for eight years
Them: Oh, so you guys are like, separated?
You: I suppose you could say that *thinks about the six feet of dirt that ‘separate’ my husband and I when I go to the cemetery* What is your favorite sexual position, so I know for later?
Side Note 1: The sex position question has a 95% success rate for complete and total distraction until you start taking each other’s clothing off. At this point your date will press you for more details on the whereabouts of your ‘separated’ spouse to ensure that he or she will not be coming through the door in a jealous rage to attack them.
Side Note 2: Naked time is by far the most fun time to drop The Widow Bomb, so please use this strategy every chance you get.
Side Note 3: The only time the sexual position question won’t work is if you unknowingly find yourself on a date with a pastor (trust me on this one).
Step 2: The Climax
Now for the fun! Make sure you are face-to-face when the big moment presents itself, as the look on the face of your date is half the fun! If it is a man and he is already naked, all the better, as you will get to see more than just their face turn into a frown (trust me on this one too).
There are several different phrases you can use. I keep a list of these phrases on a poster in my room and check them off after each date to make sure I use all of them equally. I’m a huge advocate for equality in all forms.
The cute approach: “I’m widowed, but it’s fine because I get to wear a really cute black veil anytime I want, and I have a standing prescription for Valium if you ever want me to share, I totally will.”
The practical approach: “He’s dead, but this works out for you because you don’t ever have to worry about me going back to him.”
The (slightly) psychotic approach: “He offed himself after cheating on me for seven years and I’m really angry which means the sex we are about to have will be oh so hot.”
The “Victim” approach: If at any point you change your mind about wanting to have sexy time with your date, just simply say, “I’m widowed” and then cry until they start giving you food and/or money to make you stop weeping, while they call you a Taxi.
Step 3: The Recovery
Once the victim, I mean your date, has been completely turned-off and repulsed by you because they are emotionally ill-equipped to deal with your life, make sure you comfort them.
With a punch in the face.
If someone cannot see that your Widow Badge is something that means you have strength, empathy, and a unique view on life, they deserve to be punched. Your Widow Badge is not something many people will appreciate, and how sad for them, because they are missing an opportunity to love someone whose well of compassion is as deep as their craziness is vast.
The dates that reject you, are missing out on getting to know someone who spontaneously dances in the grocery store, and flips off strangers, all in the name of expressing their inability to care what others think of them. They are giving up the opportunity of 2:00am chats with someone who can teach them things about life that no one else knows until they have joined the Widow Hood. Yes, how sad for them indeed.
And lastly, in the recovery process, comfort yourself after these train wreck dates with a slice of chocolate pie, and a group of widow friends who just get it. I am one of them. Message me anytime and I will commiserate with you.
© Copyright 2017 Michelle Miller