I will not tell you to keep your chins up about Valentine’s Day.
I will not try to convince you that there are worse things than being a widow on Valentine’s Day.
I will not tell you to count your blessings.
I will not tell you to pray instead of drink.
I will not tell you that you should focus on all of the other people in your life who love you.
I will not tell you to focus on the love you and your spouse shared while they were alive.
And I will not remind you of how amazing it is to have the capacity to still be in love with a person you can no longer see or touch.
No. Optimism surrounding Valentine’s Day makes me want to punch a puppy, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.
What I will do today, on the eve of national, “Your Romantic Partner is Alive, and Mine is Dead Day,” is attempt to make you laugh. There is strength in laughter and I know that I will certainly need all the strength I can muster for tomorrow, and I’m assuming if you are reading this, you will too.
I present you now with, “13 Ways that Widows are like Toddlers.” No, this will not “cure” you, and no, this will not bring your spouse back to you, but it’s the very best I can do for all of you today.
I am deeply sorry your romantic partner in life is not here for you to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. It is not okay, it is not fair and it never will be.
13 Ways that Widows are like Toddlers
1.We can’t be trusted to dress ourselves
My son once bit me because I would not let him wear flip flops during a hailstorm. I regret glaring at him behind his back as I dropped him off at Sunday School that day, because I get it now. I get what it is like to have your brain so clouded and busy that appropriate apparel rules become too complicated to adhere to.
After John’s suicide, I often found myself looking down at my feet in the grocery store to be amazed that I had been walking around all day with two different boots on.
Then there was the time I finally did my laundry (after only two and a half weeks of letting it rot in my closet), only to realize that I had not come across one pair of underwear. I checked my underwear drawer to find every piece of underwear I owned still unmoved from the weeks before. Yes, I had not worn underwear for two weeks.
Which brings me to my next point:
2. We are often naked
As toddlers, my children loved to be naked. This would have been fine and healthy behavior had it not always been in public. I don’t know if they were some sort of exhibitionists or just suffering from a hot flash, but it seemed like every time I looked away from them in public, I would turn around to find them stripping and streaking.
I can tell you for me though; the widow nudity had nothing to do with hot flashes or exhibitionism. It had to do with the grief-sex I was having and the return of my self confidence as I spent a few hours naked on a beach. And twice in a car. And a few times in other locations that I am sure will surface on the news via google earth and/or a surveillance video one day (Hi Mom and Dad!).
Who knew that nudity would be a part of my grief process?
3. We Have Nightmares
And they are fucking scary.
4. We are finicky eaters
News Flash: Toddlers don’t like vegetables. Shocking, yes I know. My son though, ate dirt, lint and whatever else he found on the floor with gusto. So one day I just started dropping green beans all over the floor in our house and low and behold, I had a toddler that ate vegetables. Oddly enough though, when I tried this with goldfish crackers he said “Ewww Mommy. Fishy dirty” and refused to eat them.
Much like my son (any my daughter who lived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for 2 years) after John’s death my eating habits became strange and unpredictable. After his suicide, I didn’t eat for a week. Then the next week and for a month strait, every night I ate a bowl of peanut butter laced with half a bag of chocolate chips and washed it down with Vodka. Six months after his death I went through a phase where I only ate organic beef patties and two avocados a day.
Which leads me to the next one….
5. We have unpredictable bowels
I used to play a game in my head each morning when my kids were toddlers. It was called, “Will their poo be running down their legs and spilling out of their diapers today, or will they be sitting on their potty chairs making the same face I make when I think about my exes for hours on end?” I hated this game almost as much as I hated CandyLand.
So ya. It’s like that with widowhood too, only I was too embarrassed to purchase adult diapers, so I just ruined underwear…unless it happened to be during the aforementioned two week stint I went without underwear.
6. We have no concept of social norms
We will say and do weird shit that will make everyone around us uncomfortable. And then we will laugh about it.
7. We throw fits
In public. And we don’t give a damn about who is watching. My son once threw a fit at the bank because they had a Christmas tree up that had a star at the top and not an angel. I whisper-yelled at him through gritted teeth “you get your little bottom up right now! People are staring at you!” He then looked at me as if I was the crazy one, and proceeded to throw an even louder fit.
I never understood this until a year into widowhood when I found myself yelling at a woman, “Fuck you, you stupid-ass-bitch and your ugly ass car!” while in the child pick-up line at my kids’ elementary school. In front of a row of kindergartners.
I am no longer allowed in the west side pick-up line and I still to this day maintain my innocence.
8. We Just Want to be Held
Seriously, someone pick me up and rock me.
9. We are entitled
Both of my kids as toddlers thought that just by being born they deserved unlimited amounts of TV and assorted sugary pastries. Oh and they also wanted my complete and total undivided attention and my soul. I remember having a talk with both of them once in the car, trying to explain to them that other people in the world had it worse than them and they should learn to start being happy that they lived such a charmed life.
My son then asked me for a cookie.
Neither of them could conceive of a life where they weren’t having all of their needs met all of the time.
Fast forward to “The Widow Card.” It exists and it got me out of chores, traffic tickets, and work in addition to a lot of free drinks, meals, and spa treatments that first year in 2014. Then somewhere around 2015 people became less sympathetic to my widowhood. Apparently I had graduated to veteran widow status after the first year had passed, and I no longer was entitled to free shit. Or so they thought.
I am almost three years in to this shit storm, and I can tell you that I absolutely still need free goodies, a lot of understanding and tons of cocktails every single day for the rest of my life. I pull the Widow Card our frequently and I have no shame about it.
10. We need naps
Like three a day. Minimum.
11. We don’t know the days of the week or months of the year
Even when we sing that damn, “Days of the week” song, we still have no clue what day of the week it is. Widow brain is a thing people!!! I wrote a check two weeks ago with the year 2015 on it and a few months ago I sat at my kids school two hours before pick-up time because I was convinced that it was early-out Wednesday. Turns out, it was actually Thursday.
My daughter once asked me if Friday was purple. Why yes, yes it does appear to be purple now that I am a widow.
My son once insisted that Novebruary was a month and it needed to involve cake. Sounds good to me son!
12. Our living space is a huge mess
And no thank you, we will not be cleaning it up, and we will throw things at you if you suggest that we do.
13. We respond well to positive reinforcement
I once posted to my facebook how proud I was of myself for showering AND shaving my legs. I had an overwhelming amount of widows and widow supporters post gold star emojis in the comments. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, much like I think my kids felt as toddlers when I would put a sticker on their little sticker charts to reward them for not sending me to the insane asylum that day.
Widowhood sucks. Every widow I talk to expresses to me their profound discouragement within the life they exist in. They worry that they are not grieving the “right” way. They worry that they are grieving too much. Crying too hard. Not crying enough. They judge themselves for the six-month-old pile of laundry. They get judged by others for their inability to just, “get over it.” I want to tell you all that you are doing just fine. Yes, you sitting there reading this with your hairy arm pits, ratted hair, and week-old leggings…you are WINNING. You clicked on a post with a funny title in search of laughter. Do you even understand how heroic it is to seek out laughter after what you’ve been through?!!
Gold stars and so very much love for all of you!
**Image from StuffMomsSay.com
© Copyright 2017 Michelle Miller
Michelle..how can I join your page. I’m a widow almost 4 months in.I’m having a really hard time. We were married 41 years & he passed suddenly.Guess I’m just not ready for laughter at this point..
This. All of it!!! Much needed laugh today! Thank you!!!
Number 12… I don’t allow people in my house… it’s that ridiculous…. and Fuck is a regular part of my vernacular…
Sometimes I think I purposely kept my house a mess just so I didn’t have to have fucking people over!!
Omg you sound just like me!!! This is my first valentines day since my husband passed suddenly at 33…left me with 3 daughters… Sigh… 💔
So true!!! It is good to knoe, I am not crazy. It has been 5 months and you have help me to better understand what I am going through. Thank you!!!
Thank you for reading. I am glad you feel validated.
As a widowed mother of a 2-year-old, I can relate to all of these.
And I especially love #6. I find that my sense of humor is darker now. Like, it’s okay to joke about death because I am a widow and I can.
exactly. I’ve noticed my kids (14 and 10) have a dark sense of humor too. They make dead dad jokes all the time hahahaha
So funny. Again, not so much of the naked for me, but I shouted at a bank teller that no, I don’t want financial advice, and not that it was any of her business, but the reason I had “so much money” sitting in my everyday account was that they were insurance payouts from my husband’s death.
Number 6 made me laugh out loud ????
sounds like that nosey bank teller deserved it!!
I needed this laugh today as it isn’t only the dreaded Valentine’s Day (the first without my husband) but it is also his birthday (he would have been 51). Strange that for his birthday I got to purchase him a rather nice headstone (which meant I had to leave the house and put on underwear — I swear I thought I was the only one who did the no underwear thing!).
Panty-free is the way to be!! You have horrible days all clumped together!! Birthday and valentines day?! UGGGGHHHH
Thank You I needed the laugh today! The 20th will be 3 months. I’m so glad I’m not alone I can relate to most of these
you are NOT alone!! I’m sorry you have to deal with valentines day so close to the three month anniversary. Those early months and years are so very hard.
I love it ! People don’t understand that when they invite me out and I say I have to shower that it is necessary!
Right?! I’m like “I need at least four hours to start peeling the layer of stench off me”
Finally, normal people, I was starting to think I was the only one. Thank you all for your comments they are exactly me. BTW, I haven’t shaved my legs in 6 months, and really have no desire to. So I’m not. Thanks for making that OK.
This is totally okay! I’m rocking the same look.
OMG…I haven’t laughed this hard in months…5 to be exact! That’s how long I’ve been a widow. I literally can’t stop laughing and my co-workers are thinking I’ve finally cracked for sure! I have tears in my eyes. These aren’t sad tears, they are tears from laughing my ass off!!! I’m just a little embarrassed that I feel like you have been watching my every move the past 5 months! OMG…I really can’t stop laughing! I now realize I’m just fine, not quite as crazy as I thought I’ve become. THANK YOU!
This is the best Valentine’s Day gift ever! So happy to have made you laugh
Living alone I guess sometimes it’s just easier to not worry about the cloths. And the armpit hair definitely can get out of hand. Thanks for the little bit of laugh I got out of your blog. A little is better than none right.
Thank you for reading 🙂
A friend sent me this link, #8, 11 & 12 are definitely me, especially #11. The 16th it will be 7 months, after spending 35 years together, over half my life, I can’t seem to function anymore. Your blog made me laugh & let me know I’m not alone in my madness.
You are NOT alone.
OMG! This made me laugh out loud……… all by myself. My husband passed January 13. Tomorrow, Valentines Day, would have been our 31st anniversary. I cleaned the toilet with a lemon and sea salt today. Big whoop. What makes this funny is because after I cleaned the toilet and myself I said I should shave my armpits. Screw it I don’t want to. So, I didn’t! Your last paragraph summed me up totally. My ratted hair that has been in a pony tail for two days and nights will probably have a big hole when I have to cut out the band. Thanks for the laugh. I needed this. So very thankful my sister/friend sent it to me just now. This is a keeper for sure!
Ha!!! You sound like you are living my life!! I’m so glad you liked this. I will not be shaving my armpits anytime soon
Although I have no children, #7 hit a chord. Delightful and damn straight perspective. This sucks!!! And it ain’t getting any better. Really regret that I quit drinking. Thanks for making me laugh, Michelle.
You’re so welcome 🙂 I was hoping it would still speak to those without children
Wow it all sounds like me
End of the month will be a year
After 28 yrs I can’t imagine starting over or we’re to begin
It’s overwhelming for sure! You’re so early on in everything.
Even though my toddlers are now grown adults. I can still relate. Judging by the dates, we have been in the same club for about the same amount of time. 3 years tomorrow for me [Valentines day in the UK, that sure sucks]. Widowhood SUCKS, big time.
His deathiversarry is on Valentine’s damn day?!! Well then I dedicate this entire post to you
Oh my good lord!!! I’ve never read anything so close to the truth in all my two and a half years of being a widow! Nakedness to the core! Oh how I love you and you are my new favorite!
I’m so glad I’m not the only naked widow!!!
You’re not, nor are you the only unshaven ratty haired widow in week old sweats..
This is awesome! I can relate to every even number on this list (even though I haven’t acted on #2) #13 is great too & #7 was starting to be kinda normal before I lost my husband. ????
Get naked! It’s liberating!!…but don’t blame me if you get arrested
While I can’t quite relate to the naked thing personally, it made me laugh. Out loud. Obnoxiously. And I still get it. So much of these are so true for me, it’s amazing how much we need to know that we’re not freaks for experiencing this stuff! Awesome read.
So glad I made you laugh!
I absolutely love this. Thanks for the laughs, (I saw myself) and really needed that today on the eve of the dreaded Valentine’s Day!
You’re so very welcome
Not sure about the naked part, at least for me, but the rest is right on target.
Well as long as you can relate to most of them!
Oh my stars! I’m laughing so hard I may need a depends quickly!
My #7 was screaming out the car window next to the drive-thru nativity. I think I said more curse words at that moment than I have ever in my life.
When I finally got through the traffic, I realized what I had done. I had cursed at people in line to see Baby Jesus in a drive-by.
Hahaha we could be best friends
As long as you don’t embarrass easily… ????????
#10 is the best advice EVER!!! Oh yeah, I really connected with #10. And also, #10 is the best thing a widow can do for herself. Did I mention #10 is so helpful? Just NAP your way through widowhood!!!!!
This comment makes me want to take a nap!