I was watching this show and the father was dying, of course he didn’t tell the kids. They only found out when he passed out on the beach and was rushed to the hospital. As I watched this little boy fighting back his tears my began to over take me. At first I’m thinking why are you crying with your grown 43 year old self? Then I thought why can’t I cry? Sure it’s a movie but I know the pain to well. I was no longer 43 in that moment but I was 6 all over again. That little girl who was trying to hide how much pain she was really in. That same little girl that everyone overlooked. That same little girl who couldn’t understand why her father had to be killed. Oh how I hate that gut wrenching feeling that just brings me to tears every single time.
Then I think do people ever tell you the truth? They say things like I promise you it will get better with time. And what you want to say is come here and let me punch you in the face for saying something so stupid. I don’t think it gets better with time. I think in time you learn how to maneuver through life without letting the grief consume you. I wish there was a road map with how to grow up dealing with the loss of your father. There are times that I still wish someone would hold me and say it will be okay. But will it really ever be okay? I think the thing that aggravated me the most is that people who had never walked in my shoes were telling me how I should feel. They had the nerve to tell me when I should stop feeling sad about not having my father. Or that sadly I wasn’t the first to grow up without a father. Well you know what my father didn’t make a choice not to be there. So why don’t I have a right to be sad. He was taken from me. Not only was I sad but I was angry as well.
Often I have to remind myself that it’s okay to feel the way I feel. That is the one thing I want all children to know is that it’s okay to be sad or angry. There isn’t a soul here on earth who should tell them how to feel. Yes, another can assist us on working through our emotions but don’t try to force us to be alright with the loss of a father!!