The old-fashioned widow, the one that society pictures, is an asexual creature, draped in black, content to live on memories and a nice needlepoint project. But that’s the widow of yesteryear. Many of us are dating again looking for a second chapter that includes love.
Unfortunately, today’s men don’t seem to be the men of yesteryear either. I belong to several Facebook groups for widows and they are full of posts lamenting the loser man boys we all seem to be meeting.
My theory is that older men have bought into the hook up culture generally associated with younger folk. Men who used to think they should take us our for a nice dinner and perhaps a tentative kiss goodnight now think they can offer to meet for a few drinks as a prequel to getting laid. I am sick of coffee dates where the guy invites me to go buy my own coffee while he remains seated.
So many single, middle-aged men are single for a reason. And sometimes the only fun thing about an initial meet up date is figuring out why.
My best piece of advice: What you see is what you are going to get. These guys are not going to change. If he’s cheap on a first date, he will remain cheap. If you think he has bad manners, it’s too late to call his mom to tell her to fix him. If he only seems interested in talking about himself, that’s because he is. (Unless he’s adorably flustered and nervous in which case, you may want to give him a second chance).
Most importantly, if he tells you he is not looking for commitment. he isn’t. No matter how wonderful you are. It isn’t you, it’s him. It’s good that he told you upfront. But if you want something beyond being friends with benefits, or you can’t take it when your man sees other women, run. I see so many widows in my Facebook groups who are in pain because they gave too much of themselves to a guy who couldn’t reciprocate their feelings, who’d told them in the beginning that he was limited, but who they thought they could change.
When I started dating online, I only picked men online who claimed to want a relationship. But I found so many schmucks I started a blog about dating. I will never again date a man who orders the ridiculously expensive jamon serrano then tells me when we get the check that we’re splitting it. I am not here to fund some guy’s luxury pork product addiction.
Then there was also the guy who couldn’t get over his exes, the rich artist with anger management problems, and the polyamorous doctor with the huge…ego. I wound up with enough material to become a Huffington Post blogger.
But really, I was mad at myself for hanging out with these guys for too long. I stayed weeks or even a month when I should have been done after two dates. But I was lonely. And I thought the best of people. And in a few cases, I thought I could help a man to change, to be less angry, or to appreciate life more, or to stop picking such damn expensive restaurants. Nope. It didn’t happen. They stayed the same and I got frustrated.
At first, it felt so much better to be out on a Saturday night instead of at home with Gray’s Anatomy yet again. And a few times, it was so much more life-affirming to be next to a warm body. It was like eating junk food because you aren’t near any good restaurants. But I probably should have just eaten at home.
Let’s not be ashamed of needing companionship. Sexual bereavement, missing the physical closeness that we had with our husbands, is a real thing. And it’s not just sex. It’s someone to go to the movies with, or to sit across from at a restaurant, or to ask you over the phone, even if you aren’t together that night, “How was your day?”
I finally swore off junk food guys by making a list. This is it:
DEBBIE’S GUY:
1 Can be a grown up if necessary
2 Gets my sense of humor
3 Is good with time apart
4 Wants to travel
5 Socially appropriate and articulate
6 Non-workaholic
7 Emotionally available and affectionate
8 Quiet about former partners
9 Positive outlook
10 Financially stable
Every time some guy from an online dating site contacted me, I compared him to the list. And I prissed up my dating profile to say that I was looking for a committed relationship and added that if the guy wasn’t, I applauded his self-knowledge, but he shouldn’t waste his time by contacting me.
Eventually, I did meet the right person. But I went on far fewer actual dates then I had the first time around. The list worked. So did initial screening calls where I asked whatever I wanted. So first, no shame about we want. And second, no douches, quasi-douches or projects. We do not have to settle.
About Debbie Weiss
Debbie Weiss is a writer, yogi, gardener and former attorney. After her husband died of cancer in April 2013, she turned to writing when she found herself single and living alone for the first time at age 50. You can find her on her blog, thehungoverwidow.com, which offers empathy and dating advice. Her work has been published in THe New York Times' Modern Love column, The Huffington Post, Woman’s Day, Good Housekeeping, Elle Decor, and Reader’s Digest, among other publications. She is currently working on a memoir while trying to figure out how to program her garden lights. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
Thank you. I have been a widow for 21 years and dated some, all disappointing like many of the “junk food” men in your article. And a couple of times I had lots of tears after ending what little relationship I had with them. Again, the disappointment. But its been 10 years now since a date and I am fine until recently, met someone briefly while getting my vehicle fixed; he worked there. Very nice and polite which impressed me alone like, “extra nice” w/o feeling of ullterior motive. A mechanic I had been to before him was rude and unpleasant
He even offered to tell me where he lived after I gave him my address. His was a different nearby town from where I lived and this shop located. I wondered why he told me this although maybe just conversational banter. After I paid the repair bill, I stopped at the door as I was leaving, turned around and surprised myself as I paused to look at him and state, “I am sure I will see you again.” Course it could mean I will do repeat buisness there but it also felt like I was personalizing him. He smiled broadly and I cannot even recall his reply although positive.
I then went home and went into hyperdrive, over-thinking mode for 3 days till I got sick of it. I only know this mans first
name so I cannot find out if he is married or not. Then I got on the net as with reading your article and found another article asking if “nice” was enough? Kind of snapped me out of it and gave me perspective.
Yes, I need not “settle”. I am most thankful I am able to be alone and not desperate which can keep one away from making good decisions about a potential partner. And in being self aware, I note how internally anxiety filled I get when I do meet a guy now and then that makes my heart skip that proverbial beat. But it means I have my antennae up in protection and healthy self interest which is good too. I hope to couple again someday but its not priority. I am.
Thanks again.
Thank you for the clear advice. I’ve been a widow over 12 years and had several relationships only to be totally disappointed and hurt. As you said, I thought I was being too picky or I could change him.
After each breakup, I’d go on dates and be horrified at the lack of quality men. They either lie about their age, their marital status (claiming to be widowed when they were legally divorced well before their ex died) and their finances. I’ve lost patience and hope. I’m so over it. I don’t want to be alone as I’m not that old yet but I’d rather be alone than with anyone I’ve met. I figure if it happens so be it but online dating is a total shot in the dark.
Thanks Debbie.
I’ve been a widow since 2007 and my children are grown, I know what I enjoy and agree that there’s zero reason to settle for cheapskates and serial daters. I’m excited to be adored and to also adore time with a man that’s excited to commit and be appreciated. I like your list. Great relationships are worth the time and effort. Never settlw!
Debbie, Another dead-on post. I too spent too much time on someone I knew was wrong. I knew it was over when he complained about the rice costing $3 at the asian restaurant, shortly followed by the very last row seats at the ball game (whoever said there were no bad seats at the Giant’s stadium wasn’t thinking about the part where it illustrates that the person isn’t willing to part with enough money to impress his date). I’m set financially so money isn’t what I’m looking for, but a tightwad is definitely not on my guy list – especially when he brags about how much he’s got, then shows you aren’t worth any of it by insisting on living like a depression baby. Thinking you can change someone is a waste of time and I still kick myself for thinking I could. Thanks for confirming I’m not the only one!
Thanks Jeanette. No, we are not alone in this. I’ve been hearing from other widows too who’ve found men lacking in maturity.
I hear you on the $3. I had a similar experience with someone I dated 18 months and brought to meet my married daughter. When I ordered some house wine with a meal (one of few he paid for on that trip) he questioned me in front of my kids and the waiter. So embarrassing and he claimed to be a multi millionaire!