A Guest Post by Parentomag
The feeling of losing your spouse is tremendously painful. It’s like losing the other half of you. Your life is shifted upside down is a moment and you can see your future holding many tensed areas for you.
From experiencing trauma to gaining emotional stability, the life of a widow has so many ups and downs. However there are certain things the experience of which can only be truly felt by the Widow only.
- The Grief she feels
The very first thing for a widow is the feel of understanding her loss. It’s the grief itself. All other feelings are followed by it. It shifts her whole life to another direction.
The trauma and the shock don’t only last for a moment but in fact can have a major impact for the whole of her life.
It’s the time when she’s feeling numbness, fear, trauma and shock all at the same time and no one knows how long this situation may last.
Another thing is each woman would react differently through this phase. For some it can be the hardest time of life and for some it may actually make them stronger.
- The feel of Loneliness
Losing someone creates a gap of them in our lives. Similarly losing her spouse puts the widow into a position of loneliness.
Even if the widow is always surrounded by the most loving and supportive people (friends & family) there’d still be times when she’d go through a mental state of isolation.
At times there’d raise questions she won’t have an answer to. Who would she share her problems with now? Who can she trust blindly now? Who’d be there for her in every up and down of her life?
This is the time when she’s fighting the hardest fight in her mind and she’s the only one who can control herself.
- Facing the World alone
The moment a women loses her husband, everything through her brain fades away and only the grief is left. That time she isn’t thinking about anything of the world but her husband and her loss.
As soon as she starts coming back to this world mentally, she’s reminded that she has to live her life. That’s where the feeling of facing the world comes in.
She realizes that the world would keep running the way it has always been. Nothing would really change, except the fact that she would no longer have her husband beside her.
All the responsibilities of the house and the kids would be on her alone. She’d never feel secure inside and that cannot be changed even if some close ones step up to help.
- Listening to people’s words
The first case is when a widow goes through people’s tough words for her. People being judgmental would leave no way to hurt her. This is the time when survival is hardest for her.
Second case is when it comes from people close to her. A widow is surrounded by many people, friends and family, in her circle. And these people trying to be nice say many things to console her, which works out good in many cases
However there are still phrases she hears from them which are upsetting. Certain things which shouldn’t be said to a widow are;
- Everything happens for a reason
- He (her husband) is in a better place
- You’ll be healed with time
- It could’ve been worse
We all know these phrases are often used right in their face of widows and mostly by their very close people, but none of these phrases make sense.
- Pressure of being a Single Mom
Parenting is never the job of a single individual; rather it’s a collaborative work. In case the widow has kids from his husband, she’d definitely have a hard time rearing them properly.
Sometimes handling the world alone can be easier as compared to raising your kids without your spouse.
Losing her husband she knows her children would feel the gap. There are always things only the father can do best. So she would have to play a double part, doing twice of the work.
The hard part is that widow moms need to ensure their kids don’t get impacted by the loss of their spouse. Thus she’d need to do anything so kids don’t feel like they lack someone in their family.
- Always being the stronger one
Another pressure a widow mom has is to always be strong in front of anyone else, especially in front of her kids. Knowing the fact that she has intense level of sadness inside her which she in fact want to share and open up to, she still can’t do it at times.
If a woman keeps expressing her emotions openly in front of anyone, people always see her with pity. It can even have an impact on how people would behave with her kids.
Thus it’s important that she knows where she can open up about her feelings and when she got to have a firm control over them.
Losing your spouse is always extremely traumatic and painful. Also it comes with countless hardships and issues to deal with. Knowing that your partner in life would no longer be with you is upsetting.
However another reality is that you are alive and have to live this life through. The only things you are left with are the memories of your partner.
Don’t let the grief inside you make you weak outside. It’d only make things weaker for you. However on the other side it’s equally important that you openly talk to your loved ones about your feelings.
You’d have to make your grief strength for you now a weakness and it will in fact help you keep the memories of your late partner alive as well.
My Husband died three weeks ago, no will and forgot to add me as a beneficiary on his previous pension. I have to wait another six weeks for spousal benefits. The house was in his name. I’m selling just about everything that’s worth anything to keep my head above water. I have to try and keep my home. My husband had several dogs, and I managed to find homes for three. The others are old. I’m worried that his creditors will take the house. He was a wonderful man, but terribly bad with bills and commitments I dealt with the bills, but the credit cards worry me, they were just in his name. I feel so bereft. I was his caregiver for two years before he died.
Widowhood is a difficult experience. I lost my husband when I was 32 years with 4 children of which two were twins. He left when they were one year and two months. He died on 12th September 2011. Am now 11 years. But thank God, we are doing well of course with hardship. I ran to the church and I got refuge there, I even formed a self esteem building group in our church and it’s doing well. All in all, we need to trust God. Even none widows have there challenges. How i wish the society can understand Widowhood and stop mistreating them
5 years into this world called Widow. it’s a world, an existence you didn’t anticipate. You can’t prepare for a life, it’s issues and often a miserable battle to survive each day, each season. I’m writing some background, just a dab of what followed the first two years and the mistakes I’ve made. I hope avoiding even one of my mistakes will help someone. ● My Husband of 43 years passed away at 1 AM, August 21st 2017 one hour past my birthday. Even though he was in a coma I know he held on that last hour to spare me that. It wouldn’t have mattered to me but I believe, mattered to him. It is a miserable moment on any day. Open heart surgery gone bad, 2 years of hideous health care despite having excellent insurance left me paralyzed with grief and indescribable resentment.
Everyones different I desperately wanted to ask someone when I would be able to breath again but thought it sounded selfish so I didn’t. My timeline: out of bed at 18 months. Our country home and acre was in shambles so I hit the road running and avoiding grief, I’m still running and literally falling regularly. I Sleep on a heating pad, long underwear and do all necessary to not exceed 18 kilowatts a day, have forgotten warm, understand hungry. Sacrifice is unavoidable but survivable.
24 months it was near midnight and I hadn’t thought of him that day and I went back to bed, expect total setbacks.
My mistakes for consideration and facts of widow hood. Bills you can either pay or not. Debts in only your Husband’s name you can easily kiss off but think twice on which ones. Your credit history likely to reset to zero , everyone insists you wipe him off accounts. Utilities you had for decades consider you a new customer and treat you with little respect. Critical to your future survival, Keep, negotiate and pay one credit card, the one with the largest credit limit, seems impossible but little to zero credit
“IF “preventable is a bleak future. Credit report will show you with very little credit history especially if your house or cars are paid off. They actually don’t count that as credit history. You couldn’t care less now but probably will.
I couldn’t have cared less if I became sick and died, bring it on PLEASE. I still haven’t been to a doctor have fallen seriously 2 times. because I refuse to slow down and deal with his loss. Now 7 years since he became ill, no mammograms ect. People tell you to take care of yourself to nauseum, Please consider doing it.
I was so angry with the details of his death and everyone envolved and well meaning yet heartless comments made afterwards i went from a kind person to a purely hateful person. I could not find my way back. Repeatedly said I’ll never forget this and that. Our youngest daughter kindly saved me from myself. Mom. its okay not to forget, no one should say otherwise. I pray daily, I’m so afraid for you please remember forgiving them and forgetting are different. Alone in our home I said out loud ” I forgive you” Never would have without her kind advice. On that day the hateful me slowly started to heal. Still cry but finding my way
It doesn’t seem possible now but you will find your way. ♡
Thank you for being Sooo transparent ,,, now I know I’m not alone and normal , it’s been almost 9 yrs for me…. There will Never be Another….💜😥💜
My Mother lost my Father to death from Cardiac Arrest @ 53, Mum was 54, I was the only child left @ home @ 18 my other 4 Siblings 2 Brothers & 2 Sisters were all married but came to see us.
It nearly killed Mum she was so so lost as Dad was a very lovely father & husband & it was so unexpected.
However we are Christians who believe in God, The Lord Jesus Christ, & The Holy Spirit & have amazing church friends also & we know where Dad is which is a comfort.
My husband of almost 5 decades died about 4 months ago. He had serious health problems that were being treated medically, but knew they were potentially life-threating. He suddenly went into cardiac arrest, was revived, but never recovered, life support was removed when he went into organ failure. He and I had discussed what our wishes were in the event something like this happened. Our children were included, and all agreed on the decisions.
My experience has not been what I expected. I miss him terribly. The tears and emotions have not been as overwhelming as I expected. Mainly I feel I have the huge deep empty spot.
Financially, I had made sure my husband and adult disabled son would be ok if something happened to me, but less prepared when something happened to my husband. When I retired, I counted both his and my Social Security income. Now I no longer get his, finances are much tighter.
Yet I have a variety of options available. I have property I can sell without selling my home and I can go back to work a couple of days a week and be just fine. I plan on not making any decisions on selling property for a year. I still should be able to work for another 5-10 years if I need to. My goal is to take better care of my financial needs and make sure I am financially secure for the rest of my life.
I have felt driven to make sure my kids are not left with a complicated mess when I die. I have made a will, established a special needs trust for my disabled son so his disability benefits are not threatened by any inheritance, and made sure he has a home of his own. I have made my wishes clear in the event I am not able to make my own medical decisions so the burden of them will not have to be made by my children.
There has been a lot to do since my husband’s death and I think that for the most part I have done what I needed to do. My concern is have I just postponed the grief process, only to have it devastate me later.
I know this post is rambling, but it did make me feel better to put things into words.
Your post is good and makes a lot of sense. I’m right there with you with my finances.
I’m a recent Widow, My Husband was diagnosed with cancer Nov, 2021 Doctors said he had q& half to 2years if the cemo helped, Start to finish he only lived 7months. He passed away June 15 2022, We have 3 Adult children
2 Children on law, our daughter’s Husband passed 3 years ago only 44 years old, I was helping her get through it.
Grandchildren 7 Grandchildren in law & 6 Great Grandbabies, but I still feel very much alone, My Oldest Son moved me in with him, God Bless him but it’s not working out due to his 2 sons, and wife, So I decided to go back to my little apt. I do take things to seriously, Because I know my husband
thier Grandfather wouldn’t let them slide to what they say, I have my own business, that my Oldest son & his family, I just couldn’t go back into the shop for about 2 months, I share the wealth, but I feel like their taking over, So I’m going back to shop & tiny apartment, because I can’t loose my independence, 51 years of marriage, my children hood sweetheart that I will miss till the day I die, very hard to live without him, I just exist, So ladies the best advice I can give you DON’T LOOSE YOUR INDEPENDENCE!!! NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO HEAR OUR HURT, SO KEEP IT INSIDE, CRY WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND,
l lost my husband 6 of August 2020 since then l haven’t been my self. because he was a lovely and caring husband who never want to see me sad he dose every thing possible for l and the kids, l have 4 kids and they are still little but to god be the glory we are coping. to lose a life partner is very painful and on unforgettable one, is a painful experience that l will never forgot, the worst part of it is that l’ m in the family house that every day they remind me of my pains, but by the special grace of god am going to deal with it
I am so sorry for your loss, I too lost my husband in March of 2022. It was unexpected, we have 2 children and like you thankfully we are doing ok. I am sending you prayers to carry on as a solo parent. May the good lord guide you daily, and provide helpers in family and friends.
I lost my husband july 20th of 2022.
We have eight kids between us,
We just hit our 28th Anniversary july 1st and he just turned 62 june 22nd.
He went in for open heart surgery on july 11th surgery went well until late night on july 12th. Early on the 13th they found his Mitral valve had collapsed and they took him in to replace that valve. From there his kidneys took a hit! He was a healthy man just needed some repairs on his heart. They put him at 1% risk. Everyone was pretty confident that he would blow through the surgery.
On the 18th of july they put in a pace maker. He had a big turn around and was headed in the right direction for recovery.
The 19th was a great day he was talking eating drinking.
I received a call to go up to the hospital earling morning of the 20th when i arrived he went code blue and i lost him.
Not only did i lose my husband he was my lover, best friend, and soul mate.
I have married kids and grand kids i have a 16 yr old steal at home. They check up on me a lot get me out of the house. It doesn’t matter who or how many are around me i feel so lonely. I am calm on the outside but i am screaming on the inside.
We were santa and mrs claus. Its been very hard to retire our claus atire.
Im just so heart broken it just dont seem right. The end result he was taken from kidney failure, his kidneys were very healthy before the surgery.
Thank you for listening. Im doing my best to not be broken.
I became a widow on October 9, 2021 when my husband passed away of Covid pneumonia. I understand God is in charge, and I love him dearly. But I’m so lonely. I know God is with me every minute of the day. But I’m so lonely in the evenings because that was our special time of day. To set down relax and just be together to eat dinner and talk. It’s really stupid to set here and eat by myself. I love our 6 children but it’s hard to talk about any of this to them. Because I want to be strong for them and my grandkids. But in reality I’m struggling.
I lost my husband 4months ago.It doesn’t make sense he was not ill except sere pain in his knee shutting up his leg.he gad been in er for it.They said he gad a valets cyst but his oain was not in the back.I really think he fad a bloodclot.they did no autopsy so I will never know.I am list without him we were married 43yrs,together since 17 yrs old.he was my everything.dont know whats in store for me .I am on dussability .hyou can’t nake it to survive on that.diesnt nake sense you kiss eachother at bedtime an he never woke up.I tried to wake him early am to call off work.things didn’t sink in then but he had a sweaty hand an couldnt wake,but confused as I left the room he said so softly I cant hear you.dont know hiw he could say that if he wouldn’t wake up.He had told me if he sleep dont wake him cause he would not be able to fall asleep.Know feel if I would realized an call 911he nay be alive.i really want him back,love him with all I am.most days can’t get out bed cause then gotta deal with him being gone.
Emma, Can you tell me more about your group, etc.? I lost my best friend and husband of many years a few months ago and feel adrift. I have 2 grown sons with families who help me sometimes with a large yard and other things, but I feel bad about them coming if something is going on at home. I feel like a 5th wheel for sure.
I am learning to do things that I was not really confident in doing. Though I helped him, our large yard was something my husband was generally responsible for. He loved cutting grass, and our property probably has 4 acres of grass to cut.
My advice is to learn to do as much as you can yourself and forget traditional roles. It is your property now and think about how you would like to manage it. Decrease the size of your yard. Plant a large native meadow to decrease what needs to be mowed. Buy tools that you can easily use. Several companies make awesome battery-operated pruners that are like small chain saws that easily cut through branches and trees up to 3″ in diameter. If you buy any yard equipment but electric start or battery operated rather than pull start. Make sure you have a battery operated drill that you can use. They are indispensable.
You will be amazed at what you can do. You tube is wonderful for checking out how to do stuff. But check several on a topic to be sure they are giving good advice. MMM maybe we need to start a you tube channel on how to do stuff after your partner is no longer there to help.
Also be aware of your limitations, the last thing you want is to get hurt. If what needs doing is over your skill set or strength, or ability to learn, ASK FOR HELP
my hubby past away in August of 2021 and then my house burned the end of September. There are days I want to give up. My daughter and granddaughter live with me it helps some. I miss my other half so much it’s lonely with out him and it does feel like being in a fog you know you have to go on but I feel very empty inside.so much has happened this year and I hope for peace and to get back in my own home to. God bless all of you
I lost my husband on January 2017 he was only 40 years i am young widow with 3 young kids,i struggle emotionally with bunch of memories even though, i am busy with children and work.
My husband died June 13, 2022. He was a heart transplant patient from 2013 and I was his caregiver. I am lost and and trying to figure out how I can survive financially. He had a lot of debt I new nothing about. I think he made himself feel better shopping. Anyway I’m seeing an attorney soon for help. Being a transplant patient we could not get additional life insurance but we had a small policy which will help me survive if his creditors don’t take it. My retirement is only a quarter of our joint income. I will have to sell my home and everything I can to continue my life.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away unexpectedly May 2, he was 57. My teen son and daughter and me will have to sell our home. I understand how difficult this is. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
My husband passed away unexpectedly at 57 on May 2 also. My teen son and daughter and me will also need to sell our home. We’ve been here since they were 2 and 3. It’s so very difficult to do all the things and grieve. Prayers to you.
If the debt was in his name only and you are not joint or authorized user on the account, then the debt was his and his alone. Send a copy of his death certificate with a letter stating ‘this party is deceased, there are no funds to pay this debt and you are not responsible because you are not joint on the account. Please do not contact me further.’ You do not need to pay an attorney to do this for you.
I am So So sorry for your loss!..
No words could ever fathom the loss of a spouse!!…Only once you’ve gone through it yourself, can you truly understand their pain…The more I’m around other people the better I feel.I pray for all of you and ask God to give you the strength to make it through one day at a time…In God’s hands! 😢😊😘
I am a new widow. Never thought I’d be called/calling myself that word.
It’s been 5 months. I collapsed after his funeral and really injured my right leg, and injured my right arm so bad I had to have surgery to fix the 2 breaks/fracture and reconstruct my right shattered shoulder. I was in the hospital half of April and first part of May. Surgery took place 2 weeks after the fall. Long story short. I’m just getting started with the financial and the house financial issues. I have appt. to talk to Social security in a couple of weeks. I don’t have any idea how spousal Social security will work as I am already on permanent SSI.
I’m overwhelmed with everything I still need to take care of Financials and house. Our home was in his name only from an inheritance his father’s trust left to him. He had two sons, so there are three of us who are his heirs, and it will go to probate, as I’ve talk to, and will hire, an attorney to take care of this for me. Which will be very expensive. I’m not savvy with these issues but in trying to take care of business, while recovering from my injuries, I’m stressed, full of severe anxiety, and have panic attacks!
Though I miss him, and love him, and need him, and want him, so incredibly bad, I’m angry with the mess I know nothing about. He took care of everything with money, paying bills, the house, the trust, (his father’s, he was the executor), and I know nothing about. Many times during the day, and night, I want to give up!
Nobody tells you about how the nonsense of money and financials is so all consuming. My beloved husband David died suddenly and unexpectedly on February 18. 2022. The fear and trepidation I feel at being alone is terrible let alone the grief.
Im so sorry to hear you hurt yourself at the funeral, this must have been awful to deal with at that time.
I hope things get easier for you in the future.
Linda, Reading your story has helped me because Im in quite a similar situation and cant believe how hard it is and am trying but want to give up too. Ive never needed and appreciated prayers and kind words so much or been so affected by obstacles. I know we are going through quite a storm and feel like we are far from calm .. and we are .. but we’ll get there. Im praying for you.
This is good work. I am a widow I have founded widows transformation group in an attemt to gather widows who are being buried alive 1 timothy 5:6