A Guest Post by Parentomag
The feeling of losing your spouse is tremendously painful. It’s like losing the other half of you. Your life is shifted upside down is a moment and you can see your future holding many tensed areas for you.
From experiencing trauma to gaining emotional stability, the life of a widow has so many ups and downs. However there are certain things the experience of which can only be truly felt by the Widow only.
- The Grief she feels
The very first thing for a widow is the feel of understanding her loss. It’s the grief itself. All other feelings are followed by it. It shifts her whole life to another direction.
The trauma and the shock don’t only last for a moment but in fact can have a major impact for the whole of her life.
It’s the time when she’s feeling numbness, fear, trauma and shock all at the same time and no one knows how long this situation may last.
Another thing is each woman would react differently through this phase. For some it can be the hardest time of life and for some it may actually make them stronger.
- The feel of Loneliness
Losing someone creates a gap of them in our lives. Similarly losing her spouse puts the widow into a position of loneliness.
Even if the widow is always surrounded by the most loving and supportive people (friends & family) there’d still be times when she’d go through a mental state of isolation.
At times there’d raise questions she won’t have an answer to. Who would she share her problems with now? Who can she trust blindly now? Who’d be there for her in every up and down of her life?
This is the time when she’s fighting the hardest fight in her mind and she’s the only one who can control herself.
- Facing the World alone
The moment a women loses her husband, everything through her brain fades away and only the grief is left. That time she isn’t thinking about anything of the world but her husband and her loss.
As soon as she starts coming back to this world mentally, she’s reminded that she has to live her life. That’s where the feeling of facing the world comes in.
She realizes that the world would keep running the way it has always been. Nothing would really change, except the fact that she would no longer have her husband beside her.
All the responsibilities of the house and the kids would be on her alone. She’d never feel secure inside and that cannot be changed even if some close ones step up to help.
- Listening to people’s words
The first case is when a widow goes through people’s tough words for her. People being judgmental would leave no way to hurt her. This is the time when survival is hardest for her.
Second case is when it comes from people close to her. A widow is surrounded by many people, friends and family, in her circle. And these people trying to be nice say many things to console her, which works out good in many cases
However there are still phrases she hears from them which are upsetting. Certain things which shouldn’t be said to a widow are;
- Everything happens for a reason
- He (her husband) is in a better place
- You’ll be healed with time
- It could’ve been worse
We all know these phrases are often used right in their face of widows and mostly by their very close people, but none of these phrases make sense.
- Pressure of being a Single Mom
Parenting is never the job of a single individual; rather it’s a collaborative work. In case the widow has kids from his husband, she’d definitely have a hard time rearing them properly.
Sometimes handling the world alone can be easier as compared to raising your kids without your spouse.
Losing her husband she knows her children would feel the gap. There are always things only the father can do best. So she would have to play a double part, doing twice of the work.
The hard part is that widow moms need to ensure their kids don’t get impacted by the loss of their spouse. Thus she’d need to do anything so kids don’t feel like they lack someone in their family.
- Always being the stronger one
Another pressure a widow mom has is to always be strong in front of anyone else, especially in front of her kids. Knowing the fact that she has intense level of sadness inside her which she in fact want to share and open up to, she still can’t do it at times.
If a woman keeps expressing her emotions openly in front of anyone, people always see her with pity. It can even have an impact on how people would behave with her kids.
Thus it’s important that she knows where she can open up about her feelings and when she got to have a firm control over them.
Conclusion
Losing your spouse is always extremely traumatic and painful. Also it comes with countless hardships and issues to deal with. Knowing that your partner in life would no longer be with you is upsetting.
However another reality is that you are alive and have to live this life through. The only things you are left with are the memories of your partner.
Don’t let the grief inside you make you weak outside. It’d only make things weaker for you. However on the other side it’s equally important that you openly talk to your loved ones about your feelings.
You’d have to make your grief strength for you now a weakness and it will in fact help you keep the memories of your late partner alive as well.
These are touching messages indeed,I thought I was worse,I married at 23 and lost spouse just after 5 years,when I was 28,we had 2 kids,3 years and 2 years,very challenging especially in Africa because inlaws fight and hate like you are responsible for the death of their brother and son,but yeah all in all we need to struggle and pick up
It is challenging in Africa. We just have to pick up and show up for our kids. I lost my husband 3months ago. We have a 3 year old son and had our second child 11 days after his death. He was my Soulmate, best friend. I can’t wrap my head around it that he is actually gone. Half of me left when he died. I sometimes pray for a miracle. We had so many dreams and plans to achieve. The pain is just too much. He was very involved in our kid’s life, he was excited to have a baby girl and he didn’t get to meet her. Doing life without him is just hard. Never saw myself as a single parent. Learning to trust God but it’s so hard. Had to be careful who I’m vulnerable with. The pain is too much.
I have been widowed for 4 years. But the pain I feel is still the same. It’s been hard having to deal with inlaws who turn into you enmies immediately my spouse died..Educating children. Doing business. I’m in Africa.
I love you. Im in this with you.hugs
I just lost my husband almost a month after my 46th birthday. He had his thyroid shut down he gained weight where his heart could not take the pressure the weight gain. We were going to celebrate our 26th anniversary on dec.30 . We just celebrated his 50th bday in May. He took me to my high school prom he was my soul mate the father of our 2 children how do I stay strong for them even though they are 25 and 26
My husband (41) was killed by a drunk driver on Father’s Day this year (6/18/2023), the accident left me badly injured, and my 3 babies ages 6, 5, and 1 survived, but now they’re fatherless, my husband was our sole provider, my 6 and 5 yr old sons are autistic 😔, now I feel so alone and insecure about our future.
My husband was my best friend and I was his, we were two loners before we met, we accepted and understood each other exactly as we were. Where will I ever find love like his?? Who will love my children as much as we both did. Our babies were our world, we had goals, hopes and dreams. Now it’s all gone and now it’s a life of struggle where I have no family near, no friends, no skills (he was putting us through college but we couldn’t finish), and no job. Meanwhile I must raise my 2 autistic boys fatherless, as if being autistic wasn’t hard enough, and my poor baby girl that will never remember her father. 😔 It’s a living nightmare. Ever since he died I have been humiliated in every possible way. By his mother who I had to cut off our lives since, by my own aunts who I also had to cut off, and anyone who ever wished us harm. I live off the pity of others towards me, my husband would hate this! We both hated being pitied and depending on others. This is my lowest point in my life. I hope God gives me strength to graduate college fast and hopefully find a decent paying job to support myself and my children without having to humiliate ourselves so much. I feel so sick inside, like this world betrayed me. To make matters worse, they allowed the drunk woman who killed my husband out on bail. It is all so hopeless. 😢
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am a widow and have an autistic teen as well.
It has been difficult, but you qualify for his benefits, such as social security for your dependent children.
please contact the Social Security Administration in your area.
Be blessed.
Hi. I want to express my sincere condolences for the loss of your husband. I totally understand that sense of what am I to do now. My husband passed in January 2023 but he had been married for 41 years and our children had grown up, but the loss is still hard. I am going to be praying for you. I do hope you have a good church that you belong to and Christian Community to support you through this difficult time. ❤️
All. Of these letters show how hard it is to loose your spouse. I lost my husband of 51 years,.,sudden…found him on the floor dead when I got home from work…I am a nurse. I also lost my only sibling…my identical twin sister to Pancreatic Cancer. I have no children…my life changed so much that some days I cannot recognize myself…it is like half of me died with them. There is it not one minute that they are not on my mind. The first year I was mostly in shock…I really thought my husband would come back to me..I thought God would make an exception and allow him to visit me… I am still waiting three years later. I can not go near my husbands things without crying,,,,I still find
it hard to believe he is really gone. Some days I pretend he is gone on a business trip and will soon be home..the thought comforts me. My life as a widow has been hard…really hard…life does not always go the way you plan.. never thought I would spend my retired years alone…a big shock to your sense of being..so…can I relate to all these stories,,,yes I can and feel the pain they suffer.
I live day by day ..thank God for all those wonderful years filled with love, safety, security, laughter and the companionship like no other …now all gone. Life is hard !..somehow you have to live threw all of it..the grief never goes away..
I am so sorry I am also a nightnurse came home from work on April 30 2023 to find my husband had died I was for 46 years. often feel that i was at work caring for everyone while my husband died alone and it haunts me.I lay in bed and cry all day then I nap and go to work and put a phony smile on and just pretend I am normal so I can pay my bills. then I come home and repeat yesterday. again I am so sorry honey the pain is to much.i just hope I do not have to wait to long to join him
I feel the same way , I just want to go be in this paradise and leave all this mess here in the rearview mirror.
I agree with your comment. Be encouraged that the Lord has not left you alone.
Thank you all. I lost my husband October 2022. He died very quickly in a 2 week period from undiagnosed cancer.
We were married for 55 1/2 years. It is so so tough. Somebody explained it well as being on autopilot. I have a dog and cat which helps somewhat to keep my mind busy but the loneliness is still there. And I agree decision making both big and small and running the house and upkeep of both that and the cars. This is all new to me. I I don’t know if I’ll ever feel real happiness or security again. Thank you for sharing. I realize I’m alone in what I’m feeling .
Hi
Lee
I lost my husband in 24 days to gastric cancer that was stage 4 when found gone on the flip of a coin in October 22 just ten months ago
We were together 40 years and married 38 years we met when l was 18 he was 61 years when he passed away
All my tomorrows left with Kevin and half of me too he was my solemate.
I know we will be together again.
Hugs to you💔😢
Hi Lee
I can identify so much with your feelings my husband of 50 years died within three weeks of undiagnosed cancer.
It was so quick I found it hard to believe he was actually dead and I use that word to help me challenge
myself to come to terms with the fact he is no longer with me.
Everything is a challenge the house the dogs the huge garden and just being me.
I do have friends and my sons live a good distance a way and we FaceTime.
The most difficult time is the evenings . I know will learn to cope better it doesn’t go away but I have a new life ahead of me and I know my husband would want me to grow this new life for the better.
I lost my husband of 30 years, 13 days after his cancer diagnosis. It was everywhere. This was 5 years, one month and one day ago. 😞
I really feel for u
Thank u for sharing I lost my husband. And managing everything is so over welding
Take care and hope ur life is filled with happiness again xx
On 1st July 2022 I lost my darling husband of 42 years to pneumonia, which was caused by a complication to the stage IV Kidney Cancer he had been fighting since 19th June 2020, and the PE he was being treated for . I had just turned 60 and I was now a widow.
I’ve read a lot of book on grief, I’ve listened to podcasts, watched Ted talks, and I’ve spoken to my doctor, and yet nothing has help me deal with the feeling as though my heart has been ripped from my chest and shattered into a trillion peices. The constant feeling as though I’m not quite whole and not having him here to help with the really big and even the small decisions, not to mention the complete and utter loneliness.
I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life now that I’m retired. We had planned to travel around Australia when we retired. But I dont People keep telling me I can now do whatever I want, but there really is nothing I want to do now without my darling husband by my side. Being a widow certainly is horrible.
The only good thing about my being a widow at all right now , is that because of the type of loving husband he was, my darling husband made sure I wouldn’t have to bother about a mortgage by paying it out before he passed. oh, and now I no longer have a dreaded fear of dying.I’m hoping that one day I’ll wake up and realise that I’m suddenly happy again.🤷♀️
Oh my word you sound like me, 42 years married & completely lost without him. As you said, it’s like your heart has been ripped out of your chest & shattered. I am 19 months a widow & I just finished a hard crying spell at 11 pm when I am trying to sleep. I don’t know what to do with my life now. We always had each other. So lonely even family doesn’t help my spirit. I just wanted you to know that someone else is going through it too.
I lost mine last June of 2023. Been together 38 years married but been with each other 7 years before marriage. I can’t really figure out how to really live without him and I told him that when he was sick and he told me the same thing. I can’t figure out why he hasn’t visited knowing I’m alone with my one child 1800 miles away and does not understand a bit of what I’m dealing with and going through. I’m sad, depressed, lonely, 63, not pretty anymore, not spry anymore and getting more dependent daily with physical immobilities. I just ask God why I have to hang around and be here. I am not helping one other soul to get on with life or get better. I am just done.
I pretty much feel the same. Lost my husband 8 month ago and the pain is as strong as day one and I am trying to manage it. We were together 35 years and he was only 58. He fought so hard to stay alive but his cancer was ferocious. Agree with the comments that it feels like your heart was ripped apart and I have no idea what comes next. Bonus is that I don’t have much fear of dying and I don’t care much about anything. I am functioning and am on autopilot right now. Trying to navigate widow hood sucks. I watched Ricky Gervais-Afterlive and it pretty sums up how I feel. May want to watch this series, it’s good. Hang in there, there is a purpose for us somewhere.
I lost my husband, best friend, high school sweetheart of COVID. We were married for 25 years, and I knew him for a total of 32 years. He died at the age of 46 on 06/23/21. It has been the hardest 2 years of my life. I miss him so much. He died so unexpectedly. He was a very strong and caring man, but he just couldn’t beat this. I feel so lonely. Even though I do have family, friends around me. They just can’t feel that void. People say you’re young. You will find somebody else. I love my husband. He was my only love. I can’t just find somebody else. It’s so hard to just start all over. I have 3 wonderful kids. 2 are adults living on their own, and one still in high school living with me. I am blessed with good kids. They don’t get into any trouble. (As far as I know). I didn’t plan to be a single parent. I believe if he had the strength he would’ve came back to me. When he died half of me died with him. I am left now of the mindset of what to do next. I just feel lost, and I don’t know what to do with my life. The grief will always be there. I just have this sense of not belonging in this world. I thank God for being my provider, having me to be in good health ( I had COVID along with my husband, and I survived.), I thank good for comfort, and making a way out of know way. What hurts me is no matter what happens in my life this world doesn’t stop.
I’m so sorry Shannon. I feel the same way. I am very lost and wondering how I am going to get through this life without my husband. He was 60 years old and I am 57. I try my best to keep busy.
I did go to a grief support group thru my church and it helped me – I guess we just have to try to get thru this one day at a time.
Debbie are you in TN? Was your spouse Bud? Just curious. let me know.
“I just have this sense of not belonging in the world.” Is straight out of my playbook.
I’m a 38 year old newly widowed woman.
I don’t exactly care about the world. I just care about how to possibly exist for decades without my husband.
🙁
I lost my husband last month and I am left to raise our 12 year old son alone. Not only did his family abandon us, but they took his insurance policy that he thought had been changed to me( the insurance company received a request to change it to me when we married but never received the paperwork). I see them now for what they have been all along and want nothing to do with them. Our son, though, still loves his only remaining grandparents even though they have done such horrible acts. Despite my feelings for them, I included them in all of the funeral arrangements to appease them. They picked only the higher level to most expensive options and I stated to them that it wasn’t a problem because I had the insurance policy to cover it and I wanted him to have a fitting farewell. When they took the insurance policy, I asked if they would at least cover the funeral. They refused and scolded me for squandering all the money we make and that I should be able to afford it!
During our marriage, there was so much turmoil because of his family trying to break us up. The last year, he wanted to cut ties with them to save our marriage and family. I pleaded with him not to as I believe family is so important! I so greatly regret it! I have no one to share my anguish with now, in addition to my grief. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with our son who wants to continue seeing them( even though he is the only one calling them and reaching out to them )and without the boundaries that I have laid out.
I am thankful for my family and friends that have stepped up to be a support for my son especially! Without them, I think I would have been devastated! It is just so hard to comprehend how you can all but forget about your son’s only child, just because you hate/despise the mother/wife so much! It’s breaking my heart with each phone call, little things that they say or hints that they drop that show they want nothing to do with him! How do horrible people like this exist??
estoy en lla misma situación
nunca pensé que la vida cambia de un momento para otro y sii me da mucha tristeza saber que no soy solo yo que haya hombres y mujeres en este lugar de dolor es muy importante querernos nosotros mismos cómo dice el artículo me siento
que si me empiezo a cuidar yo misma es más fácilmente salir poco a poco adelante nadie lo va hacer por nosotras solo uno misma
I lost my husband my forever and always – the love of my life on April 13, 2022 to cancer. Jeff only lived less than 6 weeks after his full diagnosis.
We were married for 35 years and I miss him so much. I still cry everyday and want to give up sometimes.
Emma – I would like to know more about the Widows Transformation Group as well. Is there a link to a website?
Thank you, Debbie
I’m here seeking help/advice. My husband upon our 8 months of marriage after a whirlwind romance of 3 months was diagnosed with cancer and 11 months to live. He has 3 months left. He is highly considering stopping chemo right this very moment. I as his wife and best friend have read that I am supposed to be supportive. So I lie and hide my feelings. How can I as a LOVING wife and best friend do this? How do I go on afterwards? I know. I don’t want him to suffer. I guess that’s my answer.
I lost my husband of 31 yrs to stomach cancer and from diagnosis to his passing was 5 months. He was forced chemotherapy for stage 4 incurable/terminal stomach cancer that metastasized to every organ. My love wanted quality over quantity and it’s so very hard to agree with what they want but, you’re doing it for him. 7-14-2023 is his one yr anniversary and I’m so lost still and have to move because I can’t afford my home. I feel and know your pain-I’m 53 my Rick was 57. So young and the best ones get picked to go to heaven or whatever you believe in. My prayers will be said for.
my husband is dying too. liver cancer. he has been in hospice care for almost 5 months. I am his main care taker. We’ve been married 32 years. All the years were good. now on most days he doesn’t know my name. I can’t have a normal conversation with him. I feel all alone already, but he is still here. I cherish every moment but fear these are the moments I will remember most. I will pray for you.
I look at the date and wonder how he is and how you are. I’m so sorry you are both going through this pain.
I lost my wife on April 2/2023 due to ALL(Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia) , she was only 37 years old we have been together for 14 years and God blesses us with three children (One boy 12 years and two daughters 5 years and 3 months), Now it become so hard for me everything reminds me her, I just need someone who can make me strong but……I can’t find so far, the only option for me is just keep praying….!
I just want any supporting (Positive) words.
I’m so sorry I lost my hubby of 17 yrs on dec16 2022. he was 46. i miss him so much it hurts but I do try to enjoy time with our daughter our dog I try to get out of my house as much as I can. it’s still very hard. I cry everyday still but learning to live with the pain day by day. some days are harder than others. alot of things trigger me. the grocery store we went to the truck he drove his clothes in his drawer see his tools I try to cry let it out and move on little by little
Continue to place you faith in God, the Bible teaches us that in situations like these, we must suffer for a while and then we be made strong and whole again. I’m 63 and burried my 1st wife at 49 and my second wife at 62, God rest their souls. I have some small knowledge of your pain. You are blessed, you have children and can support one another. if this were easy there would be little girls doing it…I get by thru exercise and reminding myself that I am a man, first and foremost, and then I dig for inner strength. I can tell you this, your love for her will continue and it will not deminish her memory when you find a new spouse to share your love with, open your heart to possibilities, take a lady to dinner.
Not everyone wants to replace a departed spouse with another one.
What a repulsive idea.
Dear Dirshaye, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband when I was pregnant with my 7th child and all other kids were still very young. So, I guess I can imagine how hard it is for you with 3 children. The fact that we are vulnerable doesn’t mean that we can’t live our life. The fact that we are broken doesn’t mean that everything is. The sun still rises, and we can still choose to smile with the sun!
Thank you to all here who have shared. I too lost my husband, within two months of being diagnosed with brain cancer on Valentine’s Day 2023. I’d waited for him all my life and we were so happy. We didn’t even make it to our fourth wedding anniversary, in June.
I can’t believe how some of his family has behaved. Like buzzards circling. When he was well, they we’re great. He had no children.
I just do not understand how people who say they love you, can change and be so hurtful to you.
I have given personal item memories of things shared to friends & family who’ve asked and offered to those who didn’t. I understand their loss too.
However, some things borrowed are not being returned and told they were given by my husband, like our tractor.
I have a lawyer, but it is a slow process.
Everything is a slow process, I know I’m better off than many, though there are debts, med bills…. etc. with money is so hard in coming into the house now, but it will be coming.
Some days I feel the shock of it all over again, as if new and cry all day. Some days it feels like it happened months ago, so when Iook at the date I’m shocked to find it hasn’t even been a month since he’s been gone and walk around in a daze.
I stare at his picture, because it stares back at me, it feels as if he’s almost here.
I’m so fortunate… There are videos with his voice.
Again, thank you to everyone, it’s been comforting to not feel alone in this. There has been great advice.
Prayers, Peace & Love to you
I miss the love of my life so much, I just wish I’d gone first or with him.
Hi, i just lost my husband Patrick of 17 years, on 1/16/2023. He had gotten so sick unexpectedly a few days after Thanksgiving this year. He was so very sick all through the holidays .. Christmas, New Years, our 17th anniversary was on January 6th. I miss him so much, it hurts so bad and has made me physically sick. I just got out, of the hospital and am in congestive heart failure. I really think my heart is coming apart because his passing hurts so much. My chest aches constantly. I know he is always with me, but this pain and my emotions are so intense . I feel like, I’m dying slowly or going to die. Patrick and I have amazing daughter. Kimmy is 29. I’ve read your post and everyone else’s. You are ALL, in my heart and I send everyone lots of love and many prayers of comfort ♥️🙏♥️🙏♥️ … God bless you all. Thank you for letting me share.
Widowed at 46, 10 years ago. This article is very poorly written. The perspective… ODD. Not helpful.
My Husband died three weeks ago, no will and forgot to add me as a beneficiary on his previous pension. I have to wait another six weeks for spousal benefits. The house was in his name. I’m selling just about everything that’s worth anything to keep my head above water. I have to try and keep my home. My husband had several dogs, and I managed to find homes for three. The others are old. I’m worried that his creditors will take the house. He was a wonderful man, but terribly bad with bills and commitments I dealt with the bills, but the credit cards worry me, they were just in his name. I feel so bereft. I was his caregiver for two years before he died.
I have been widowed twice. All I can say is just take one thing at a time. Normally the spouse is the automatic beneficiary of the pension.
If possible try and get an attorney to help you. Also, if you are not on any credit cards, usually you are not legally responsible for the balance. But have your attorney confirm that. I hope this helps.
If the credit cards are in his name only and you only have the house you do NOT have to pay!!!!!When you file his estate with the courts as a small estate they can include a letter as such.You don’t need an attorney as you can be the executor after you petition the court.
If you don’t know what to do or who to turn to GET A LAWYER!!! It is not as bad as it seems but you do need professional advice and direction.It will not be easy but in the end you will be okay…been there, I know for sure. The lawyer will cost you money but they know what you must do. I was a caretaker too and the mortgage was in his name too -again, get the right lawyer….good luck…it will be okay.
If you don’t know what to do or who to turn to GET A LAWYER!!! It is not as bad as it seems but you do need professional advice and direction.It will not be easy but in the end you will be okay…been there, I know for sure. The lawyer will cost you money but they know what you must do. I was a caretaker too and the mortgage was in his name too -again, get the right lawyer….good luck…it will be okay.
I lost my husband at 23:00 on 29/03/2023 we had been together 33 years. This was a sudden heart attack he was 60 years old. If the ambulance had not taken 45 minutes to arrive he may have not died. I cannot cope surrounded by family and friends but feel alone how can I live without him he was my best friend my soul partner my love. I don’t want to live without him
Tracy, I am so sorry. I lost my husband of 25 yrs but dated 8 so we were together 33 yrs. Take one day at a time. The grief never leaves but you learn to handle it in different ways. Hang in there.
I lost my husband today April 30,23 at 5:30am. I feel like a puzzle piece that came apart and I can’t get it back together. 32 years married. We said love you every day. He was, is, my best friend. I don’t want to be here with out him. I wish the kids would stop saying, it’s okay , we’ll help you. It’s not ok! My brain is so messed up. I can’t breath. I knew this day would come, though I would be stronger. He was my world! I know he’s with me, but God this hurt, pain is worse then when I lost my Mom ,Dad brothers and sisters.
Hi Tracy,
I lost my husband on the 11th of April 2023. I am heartbroken because, like you he was everything to me. I wasmarried 50yrs meeting him when I was 17yrs old. I don’t want other people to suffer such pain and lose but it gives a small bit of comfort to know that it isn’t just me or you who are going through it but many people.
Hi Tracy,
I lost my husband on the 11th of April 2023. I am heartbroken because, like you he was everything to me. I wasmarried 50yrs meeting him when I was 17yrs old. I don’t want other people to suffer such pain and lose but it gives a small bit of comfort to know that it isn’t just me or you who are going through it but many people.
sorry for your loss dear Tracy ….! I lost my wife on April 2/2023 due to ALL(Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia) , she was only 37 years old we have been together for 14 years and God blesses us with three children (One boy 12 years and two daughters 5 years and 3 months), Now it become so hard for me everything reminds me her, I just need someone who can make me strong but……I can’t find so far, the only option for me is just keep praying….!
be strong my sister.
If the credit cards are in his name only and you only have the house you do NOT have to pay!!!!!When you file his estate with the courts as a small estate they can include a letter as such.
Widowhood is a difficult experience. I lost my husband when I was 32 years with 4 children of which two were twins. He left when they were one year and two months. He died on 12th September 2011. Am now 11 years. But thank God, we are doing well of course with hardship. I ran to the church and I got refuge there, I even formed a self esteem building group in our church and it’s doing well. All in all, we need to trust God. Even none widows have there challenges. How i wish the society can understand Widowhood and stop mistreating them
5 years into this world called Widow. it’s a world, an existence you didn’t anticipate. You can’t prepare for a life, it’s issues and often a miserable battle to survive each day, each season. I’m writing some background, just a dab of what followed the first two years and the mistakes I’ve made. I hope avoiding even one of my mistakes will help someone. ● My Husband of 43 years passed away at 1 AM, August 21st 2017 one hour past my birthday. Even though he was in a coma I know he held on that last hour to spare me that. It wouldn’t have mattered to me but I believe, mattered to him. It is a miserable moment on any day. Open heart surgery gone bad, 2 years of hideous health care despite having excellent insurance left me paralyzed with grief and indescribable resentment.
Everyones different I desperately wanted to ask someone when I would be able to breath again but thought it sounded selfish so I didn’t. My timeline: out of bed at 18 months. Our country home and acre was in shambles so I hit the road running and avoiding grief, I’m still running and literally falling regularly. I Sleep on a heating pad, long underwear and do all necessary to not exceed 18 kilowatts a day, have forgotten warm, understand hungry. Sacrifice is unavoidable but survivable.
24 months it was near midnight and I hadn’t thought of him that day and I went back to bed, expect total setbacks.
My mistakes for consideration and facts of widow hood. Bills you can either pay or not. Debts in only your Husband’s name you can easily kiss off but think twice on which ones. Your credit history likely to reset to zero , everyone insists you wipe him off accounts. Utilities you had for decades consider you a new customer and treat you with little respect. Critical to your future survival, Keep, negotiate and pay one credit card, the one with the largest credit limit, seems impossible but little to zero credit
“IF “preventable is a bleak future. Credit report will show you with very little credit history especially if your house or cars are paid off. They actually don’t count that as credit history. You couldn’t care less now but probably will.
I couldn’t have cared less if I became sick and died, bring it on PLEASE. I still haven’t been to a doctor have fallen seriously 2 times. because I refuse to slow down and deal with his loss. Now 7 years since he became ill, no mammograms ect. People tell you to take care of yourself to nauseum, Please consider doing it.
I was so angry with the details of his death and everyone envolved and well meaning yet heartless comments made afterwards i went from a kind person to a purely hateful person. I could not find my way back. Repeatedly said I’ll never forget this and that. Our youngest daughter kindly saved me from myself. Mom. its okay not to forget, no one should say otherwise. I pray daily, I’m so afraid for you please remember forgiving them and forgetting are different. Alone in our home I said out loud ” I forgive you” Never would have without her kind advice. On that day the hateful me slowly started to heal. Still cry but finding my way
It doesn’t seem possible now but you will find your way. ♡
Thank you for being Sooo transparent ,,, now I know I’m not alone and normal , it’s been almost 9 yrs for me…. There will Never be Another….💜😥💜
You sound a lot like me, I’m a bit angry at the cardiologist and his useless NP. He needed way more checking on with his heart post stints than what their “university, training new docs, and nobody gets a real doctor, just crap care. ” I am pissed about this. I am also upset my husband tried to spare me his last 48 hours of chest pain and not talk to me or tell me.
It hurts. I’m here alone. Absolutely alone. No cousins, parents, aunts, uncles and the only child living 1800 miles away. It is way beyond me how God expects me to make it. I can’t I’m trying hard to trust but can’t. I never go hardly out of the house anymore. I go out when I HAVE to go to take care of business. I can’t say when the last time I had any fun or had a nice time was because he was sick for several years and I’m worn out and worn down and alone.
My worst fear is abandonment and being dependent and God has seen fit to gift me this. I don’t get it. I just want to be away from it all, I am really happy just being asleep. It all starts again with the dread and fear in the morning. I read my devotions but they aren’t helping me.
My Mother lost my Father to death from Cardiac Arrest @ 53, Mum was 54, I was the only child left @ home @ 18 my other 4 Siblings 2 Brothers & 2 Sisters were all married but came to see us.
It nearly killed Mum she was so so lost as Dad was a very lovely father & husband & it was so unexpected.
However we are Christians who believe in God, The Lord Jesus Christ, & The Holy Spirit & have amazing church friends also & we know where Dad is which is a comfort.
My husband of almost 5 decades died about 4 months ago. He had serious health problems that were being treated medically, but knew they were potentially life-threating. He suddenly went into cardiac arrest, was revived, but never recovered, life support was removed when he went into organ failure. He and I had discussed what our wishes were in the event something like this happened. Our children were included, and all agreed on the decisions.
My experience has not been what I expected. I miss him terribly. The tears and emotions have not been as overwhelming as I expected. Mainly I feel I have the huge deep empty spot.
Financially, I had made sure my husband and adult disabled son would be ok if something happened to me, but less prepared when something happened to my husband. When I retired, I counted both his and my Social Security income. Now I no longer get his, finances are much tighter.
Yet I have a variety of options available. I have property I can sell without selling my home and I can go back to work a couple of days a week and be just fine. I plan on not making any decisions on selling property for a year. I still should be able to work for another 5-10 years if I need to. My goal is to take better care of my financial needs and make sure I am financially secure for the rest of my life.
I have felt driven to make sure my kids are not left with a complicated mess when I die. I have made a will, established a special needs trust for my disabled son so his disability benefits are not threatened by any inheritance, and made sure he has a home of his own. I have made my wishes clear in the event I am not able to make my own medical decisions so the burden of them will not have to be made by my children.
There has been a lot to do since my husband’s death and I think that for the most part I have done what I needed to do. My concern is have I just postponed the grief process, only to have it devastate me later.
I know this post is rambling, but it did make me feel better to put things into words.
Your post is good and makes a lot of sense. I’m right there with you with my finances.
I’m a recent Widow, My Husband was diagnosed with cancer Nov, 2021 Doctors said he had q& half to 2years if the cemo helped, Start to finish he only lived 7months. He passed away June 15 2022, We have 3 Adult children
2 Children on law, our daughter’s Husband passed 3 years ago only 44 years old, I was helping her get through it.
Grandchildren 7 Grandchildren in law & 6 Great Grandbabies, but I still feel very much alone, My Oldest Son moved me in with him, God Bless him but it’s not working out due to his 2 sons, and wife, So I decided to go back to my little apt. I do take things to seriously, Because I know my husband
thier Grandfather wouldn’t let them slide to what they say, I have my own business, that my Oldest son & his family, I just couldn’t go back into the shop for about 2 months, I share the wealth, but I feel like their taking over, So I’m going back to shop & tiny apartment, because I can’t loose my independence, 51 years of marriage, my children hood sweetheart that I will miss till the day I die, very hard to live without him, I just exist, So ladies the best advice I can give you DON’T LOOSE YOUR INDEPENDENCE!!! NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO HEAR OUR HURT, SO KEEP IT INSIDE, CRY WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND,
l lost my husband 6 of August 2020 since then l haven’t been my self. because he was a lovely and caring husband who never want to see me sad he dose every thing possible for l and the kids, l have 4 kids and they are still little but to god be the glory we are coping. to lose a life partner is very painful and on unforgettable one, is a painful experience that l will never forgot, the worst part of it is that l’ m in the family house that every day they remind me of my pains, but by the special grace of god am going to deal with it
I am so sorry for your loss, I too lost my husband in March of 2022. It was unexpected, we have 2 children and like you thankfully we are doing ok. I am sending you prayers to carry on as a solo parent. May the good lord guide you daily, and provide helpers in family and friends.
Teri
I lost my husband july 20th of 2022.
We have eight kids between us,
We just hit our 28th Anniversary july 1st and he just turned 62 june 22nd.
He went in for open heart surgery on july 11th surgery went well until late night on july 12th. Early on the 13th they found his Mitral valve had collapsed and they took him in to replace that valve. From there his kidneys took a hit! He was a healthy man just needed some repairs on his heart. They put him at 1% risk. Everyone was pretty confident that he would blow through the surgery.
On the 18th of july they put in a pace maker. He had a big turn around and was headed in the right direction for recovery.
The 19th was a great day he was talking eating drinking.
I received a call to go up to the hospital earling morning of the 20th when i arrived he went code blue and i lost him.
Not only did i lose my husband he was my lover, best friend, and soul mate.
I have married kids and grand kids i have a 16 yr old steal at home. They check up on me a lot get me out of the house. It doesn’t matter who or how many are around me i feel so lonely. I am calm on the outside but i am screaming on the inside.
We were santa and mrs claus. Its been very hard to retire our claus atire.
Im just so heart broken it just dont seem right. The end result he was taken from kidney failure, his kidneys were very healthy before the surgery.
Thank you for listening. Im doing my best to not be broken.
I became a widow on October 9, 2021 when my husband passed away of Covid pneumonia. I understand God is in charge, and I love him dearly. But I’m so lonely. I know God is with me every minute of the day. But I’m so lonely in the evenings because that was our special time of day. To set down relax and just be together to eat dinner and talk. It’s really stupid to set here and eat by myself. I love our 6 children but it’s hard to talk about any of this to them. Because I want to be strong for them and my grandkids. But in reality I’m struggling.
I lost my husband 4months ago.It doesn’t make sense he was not ill except sere pain in his knee shutting up his leg.he gad been in er for it.They said he gad a valets cyst but his oain was not in the back.I really think he fad a bloodclot.they did no autopsy so I will never know.I am list without him we were married 43yrs,together since 17 yrs old.he was my everything.dont know whats in store for me .I am on dussability .hyou can’t nake it to survive on that.diesnt nake sense you kiss eachother at bedtime an he never woke up.I tried to wake him early am to call off work.things didn’t sink in then but he had a sweaty hand an couldnt wake,but confused as I left the room he said so softly I cant hear you.dont know hiw he could say that if he wouldn’t wake up.He had told me if he sleep dont wake him cause he would not be able to fall asleep.Know feel if I would realized an call 911he nay be alive.i really want him back,love him with all I am.most days can’t get out bed cause then gotta deal with him being gone.
Emma, Can you tell me more about your group, etc.? I lost my best friend and husband of many years a few months ago and feel adrift. I have 2 grown sons with families who help me sometimes with a large yard and other things, but I feel bad about them coming if something is going on at home. I feel like a 5th wheel for sure.
I am learning to do things that I was not really confident in doing. Though I helped him, our large yard was something my husband was generally responsible for. He loved cutting grass, and our property probably has 4 acres of grass to cut.
My advice is to learn to do as much as you can yourself and forget traditional roles. It is your property now and think about how you would like to manage it. Decrease the size of your yard. Plant a large native meadow to decrease what needs to be mowed. Buy tools that you can easily use. Several companies make awesome battery-operated pruners that are like small chain saws that easily cut through branches and trees up to 3″ in diameter. If you buy any yard equipment but electric start or battery operated rather than pull start. Make sure you have a battery operated drill that you can use. They are indispensable.
You will be amazed at what you can do. You tube is wonderful for checking out how to do stuff. But check several on a topic to be sure they are giving good advice. MMM maybe we need to start a you tube channel on how to do stuff after your partner is no longer there to help.
Also be aware of your limitations, the last thing you want is to get hurt. If what needs doing is over your skill set or strength, or ability to learn, ASK FOR HELP
my hubby past away in August of 2021 and then my house burned the end of September. There are days I want to give up. My daughter and granddaughter live with me it helps some. I miss my other half so much it’s lonely with out him and it does feel like being in a fog you know you have to go on but I feel very empty inside.so much has happened this year and I hope for peace and to get back in my own home to. God bless all of you
I lost my husband on January 2017 he was only 40 years i am young widow with 3 young kids,i struggle emotionally with bunch of memories even though, i am busy with children and work.
My husband died June 13, 2022. He was a heart transplant patient from 2013 and I was his caregiver. I am lost and and trying to figure out how I can survive financially. He had a lot of debt I new nothing about. I think he made himself feel better shopping. Anyway I’m seeing an attorney soon for help. Being a transplant patient we could not get additional life insurance but we had a small policy which will help me survive if his creditors don’t take it. My retirement is only a quarter of our joint income. I will have to sell my home and everything I can to continue my life.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away unexpectedly May 2, he was 57. My teen son and daughter and me will have to sell our home. I understand how difficult this is. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
My husband passed away unexpectedly at 57 on May 2 also. My teen son and daughter and me will also need to sell our home. We’ve been here since they were 2 and 3. It’s so very difficult to do all the things and grieve. Prayers to you.
If the debt was in his name only and you are not joint or authorized user on the account, then the debt was his and his alone. Send a copy of his death certificate with a letter stating ‘this party is deceased, there are no funds to pay this debt and you are not responsible because you are not joint on the account. Please do not contact me further.’ You do not need to pay an attorney to do this for you.
I am So So sorry for your loss!..
No words could ever fathom the loss of a spouse!!…Only once you’ve gone through it yourself, can you truly understand their pain…The more I’m around other people the better I feel.I pray for all of you and ask God to give you the strength to make it through one day at a time…In God’s hands! 😢😊😘
XO
I am a new widow. Never thought I’d be called/calling myself that word.
It’s been 5 months. I collapsed after his funeral and really injured my right leg, and injured my right arm so bad I had to have surgery to fix the 2 breaks/fracture and reconstruct my right shattered shoulder. I was in the hospital half of April and first part of May. Surgery took place 2 weeks after the fall. Long story short. I’m just getting started with the financial and the house financial issues. I have appt. to talk to Social security in a couple of weeks. I don’t have any idea how spousal Social security will work as I am already on permanent SSI.
I’m overwhelmed with everything I still need to take care of Financials and house. Our home was in his name only from an inheritance his father’s trust left to him. He had two sons, so there are three of us who are his heirs, and it will go to probate, as I’ve talk to, and will hire, an attorney to take care of this for me. Which will be very expensive. I’m not savvy with these issues but in trying to take care of business, while recovering from my injuries, I’m stressed, full of severe anxiety, and have panic attacks!
Though I miss him, and love him, and need him, and want him, so incredibly bad, I’m angry with the mess I know nothing about. He took care of everything with money, paying bills, the house, the trust, (his father’s, he was the executor), and I know nothing about. Many times during the day, and night, I want to give up!
Hi Linda
Nobody tells you about how the nonsense of money and financials is so all consuming. My beloved husband David died suddenly and unexpectedly on February 18. 2022. The fear and trepidation I feel at being alone is terrible let alone the grief.
Im so sorry to hear you hurt yourself at the funeral, this must have been awful to deal with at that time.
I hope things get easier for you in the future.
Linda, Reading your story has helped me because Im in quite a similar situation and cant believe how hard it is and am trying but want to give up too. Ive never needed and appreciated prayers and kind words so much or been so affected by obstacles. I know we are going through quite a storm and feel like we are far from calm .. and we are .. but we’ll get there. Im praying for you.
This is good work. I am a widow I have founded widows transformation group in an attemt to gather widows who are being buried alive 1 timothy 5:6
Hello Emma,
Where is your Widows Transformation Group held? I lost my husband October 10,2020. We were married for thirty three years and have two grown daughters. I would love to find out more about your group.
Thank you, Michele