This was shared with me many years ago when my youngest son was born with a congenital heart defect. It was very helpful to understand and accept my new normal at that time. For some reason it showed up in the notes section of my phone today. I reread it and thought how much it stands true in my new journey of widowhood.

When you begin to read this part “describe the experience of raising a child with a disability” change that in your mind to “describe the experience of grief”.  To me, the explanation is pretty spot on. We are not dropped into a disgusting, horrible, filthy place only a different place. A new road many of our family and friends have never traveled. I’m thankful for the new people I would never have crossed paths with if not being dropped into this journey.  Never will I be one to say this journey is an easy road but I’ve come to understand I can’t live in the same mindset of the previous life we had. If we don’t learn to accept our new place we will never allow ourselves to see or enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

My hopes is this will help you as much as it helped me today.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

About 

Pam hails from Texas, where she grew up as the eldest among her siblings. With over 15 years of experience in education, she has spent the last four years working as a graphic design instructor. In the spring of 2011, as both she and her future husband Glenn approached their 41st birthdays, they met despite the complexities of their pasts, affectionately referred to as "the luggage." This encounter marked the beginning of a beautiful journey as they blended their families, a union that felt destined.
As a mother and bonus mom to five adult children (along with two wonderful sons-in-law), Pam is also a proud grandmother to four adventurous grandchildren. Tragically, she became a widow when Glenn passed away due to complications from a congenital heart condition on November 3, 2019. Throughout their life together, Pam has frequently documented the highs and lows of their experiences through blogging and journaling. Encouraged by many to share her story, she has embarked on a personal blog, with plans to publish her writings for everyone to enjoy.

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Pam Williams

Pam hails from Texas, where she grew up as the eldest among her siblings. With over 15 years of experience in education, she has spent the last four years working as a graphic design instructor. In the spring of 2011, as both she and her future husband Glenn approached their 41st birthdays, they met despite the complexities of their pasts, affectionately referred to as "the luggage." This encounter marked the beginning of a beautiful journey as they blended their families, a union that felt destined. As a mother and bonus mom to five adult children (along with two wonderful sons-in-law), Pam is also a proud grandmother to four adventurous grandchildren. Tragically, she became a widow when Glenn passed away due to complications from a congenital heart condition on November 3, 2019. Throughout their life together, Pam has frequently documented the highs and lows of their experiences through blogging and journaling. Encouraged by many to share her story, she has embarked on a personal blog, with plans to publish her writings for everyone to enjoy.

All Posts by Pam Williams