Fragile

How many times have you felt like your heart is so fragile as we go through our metamorphosis on this journey as a widow? It’s been nearly five years for me, yet new loss continues to tear open wounds I thought were finally healed. I know I’ve grown stronger in some ways, and I feel like I’m making forward progress… only to find myself crumbling to the ground in anguish as I say goodbye once again.

There has been so much loss since my husband moved to heaven. A little over a year after he left, my Dad joined him. Several months later my Father-In-Law took his last breath here. About a year ago one of my best friends succumbed to brain cancer at the age of only 63. A couple months ago another friend, only in her early 40’s, suddenly left this world. Two weeks ago I was at a celebration of life for a dear friend. Now here we are again, and my heart is hurting.

This dear friend went home to be with the Lord this week, really quite suddenly. I honestly believed God was going to heal her here and we would get to enjoy the love and warmth she showered on everyone around her for a long time to come. She had faith for her healing. We were standing in agreement with her. My heart is crying out for understanding from my loving heavenly Father. ?!?

Grief has a way of elbowing its way in the journey we are on and causing trouble. I’ve learned along the way to anticipate its coming through different triggers so I could manage its impact a little easier. I know in my head I can’t possibly know every trigger so there will be times I find myself vulnerable to griefs attack when I don’t expect it. Last week I experienced yet another unwelcome intrusion to rip open old wounds.

I slowly walked down that long hallway leading to the hospice section of the hospital. Memories flooded my mind of those last days with my husband after I had him taken to hospice house. He was just going to get his medications balanced. Only about 48 hours later he was taken by the angels to his heavenly home and into the arms of Jesus.

This is the same thing my dear friend’s family did this week. She was just coming to the hospital to get her medications under control. The next thing I heard was they were going to put her in the hospice section. After consulting with the family, they made the decision to “just make her comfortable.” When I got to visit her on Thursday, she was sleeping so soundly she did not even stir when I spoke to her. Saturday, I received word she is now home with Jesus.

Not only is my heart breaking to lose another dear friend, but the parallels in their stories somehow make the pain sting that much more. The memories, so vivid and real, flooded my mind and brought on a tsunami wave of pain and grief.

I know in my mind they are both with Jesus who they loved and longed to see and be with. They are at peace and free of the pain their human bodies were in. I have the confidence I get to see them again when I join them in Heaven one day myself. This knowledge does very little to soothe the pain I am experiencing inside my heart.

This weekend I heard the song Fragile by Natalie Layne on the radio. It was like it put into words all those broken pieces laying inside my heart. The verses are so descriptive and true. I’ll share part of it here.

There’s so many days when
Everything is breaking
Life falls apart at the seams

You’re the God of ages
How are You so patient
Taking care of breakable things

[Pre-Chorus]
How do You find
That kind of time
For paper hearts like mine

[Chorus]
You know how to hold something fragile
You won’t let me go when I unravel
You carry the world on Your shoulders
But You know how fragile I am
So I’m safe in Your hands
Oh, oh, oh

[Verse]
Guess I’ve done a good job
Acting like I’m so strong
But no one really knows me like You

You can see I’m made of glass

But You’re using every crack

That’s where Your light can shine through

How I wish my mental knowledge my dear husband, Father, family and friends are safe and out of pain could temper my emotions and ease the anguish I feel. This is why I put it all in God’s capable hands. He understands my humanity. Jesus became a man to experience what we go through. It’s our love for people that makes us feel so deeply the impact of being separated. We are made in God’s image and God is love.

The Psalms are full of verses of cries of anguish from the heart. David wrote many of them. He knew what it was to feel heartache on many different levels. God heard every cry. We can use those same verses to express our pain and let it out. God hears what we say. I also believe He sees the sorrow and distress we feel and can’t find the words to express. He understands. He loves us and He wants to help us. The best thing we can do is surrender the pain and uncertainty to Him.

An Encounter with Grace

I’d like to share a little story I go back to from time to time because it always encourages my heart. It was written by Becky Thompson. It is a conversation with God. That’s what prayer is. Prayer is having a discussion with our creator as we express what’s on our heart and listen to what He wants to tell us about it. Here is the story Becky shared.

Me: Okay, God, here’s the thing. I’m scared. I’m trying not to be, but I am.

God: I know. Want to talk about it?

Me: Do we need to? I mean, you already know.

God: Let’s talk about it anyway… We’ve done this before.

Me: I know, I just feel like I should be bigger or stronger or something by now.

God: *waiting patiently, unhurried, undistracted, never annoyed.

Me: Okay. So, I’m afraid I’ll do everything I can to protect my family and it won’t be enough. I’m afraid of someone I love dying. I’m afraid the world won’t go back to what it was before. I’m afraid my life is always going to feel this unsettled.

God: Anything else?

Me: EVERYTHING ELSE.

God: Remember how your daughter woke up the other night and came running down the hall to your bedroom?

Me: Yes.

God: You were still awake, so when you heard her running, you started calling out to her before she even got to you… remember? Do you remember what you called out to her?

Me: I said, “You’re okay! You’re okay! You’re okay! I’m here.”

God: Why did you call out to her? Why didn’t you just wait for her to get to your room?

Me: Because I wanted her to know that I was awake, and I heard her, and she didn’t have to be afraid until she reached the end of the dark hallway.

God: Exactly. I hear you, my child. I hear your thoughts racing like feet down the dark hallway. There’s another side to all of this. I’m there already. I’ve seen the end of it. And I want you to know right here as you walk through it all, you’re okay. I haven’t gone to sleep, and I won’t.

Me: *crying. Can we sit together awhile? Can we just sit here a minute before I go back to facing it all?

God: There’s nothing I’d love more.

I love the way this little discourse sheds light and hope while it reminds us God is not only faithful, He’s loving and endlessly patient. We all want to be heard! God tells us right here… He hears us! He loves to sit with us and share whatever is going on. He is willing to listen and affirm us even on things most of the people in our life are not willing to do. This is why I choose to make God my source and put Him first in my life. We gain wisdom and understanding when God is our source. He is our constant and persistent help in good times and in bad. This is the hope we have the world cannot give.

We have this certain hope like a strong, unbreakable anchor holding our souls to God Himself. Our anchor of hope is fastened to the mercy seat in the heavenly realm beyond the sacred threshold.

Hebrews 6: 19 TPT

There’s a difference between the thoughts of men and the mind of Christ. We are renewed when put on the mind of Christ. Paul teaches us in Corinthians there is so much missing in the world’s wisdom. We need Holy Spirit to teach us and help us understand God’s truth. Holy Spirit can help us receive God’s grace to get His revelation when we are questioning why things happen that don’t make sense to us on our own.

For we did not receive the spirit of this world system but the Spirit of God, so we might come to understand and experience all grace lavished upon us. And we articulate these realities with the words imparted to us by the Spirit and not with the words taught by human wisdom. We join together Spirit-revealed truths with Spirit-revealed words.

Someone living on an entirely human level rejects the revelations of God’s Spirit, for they make no sense to him. He can’t understand the revelations of the Spirit because they are only discovered by the illumination of the Spirit. Those who live in the Spirit are able to carefully evaluate all things, and they are subject to the scrutiny of no one but God. For Who has ever intimately known the mind of the Lord YAHWEH well enough to become His counselor? Christ has, and we possess Christ’s perceptions.

1 Corinthians 2: 12-16 TPT

The world’s so-called wisdom will lead us to question and doubt. Holy Spirit will fill us with revelation and hope. One will look for intellectual content and a convincing argument. The other is anchored in unchanging truth.

The mind of Christ is not a static set of beliefs, but an ongoing discovery of eternal realities to bring perspective to the challenges and questions we have in our life. The mind of Christ gives us access to all the treasures of wisdom and insight we need to establish our every step and direct every decision. No matter how clever we get or knowledgeable we become, the natural mind can never come close to the depth of Truth we can find when we ask Holy Spirit to help us understand. God created our mind for so much more than the thoughts of men. We should never settle for less.

One of our challenges as a widow is we are used to sharing our heartaches and struggles with our husband and find comfort in his arms. He finished the final chapter of the book of his life, and he moved to Heaven. Now we need the comfort of Holy Spirit even more. Jesus sent us Holy Spirit to be our comfort and counselor to guide us in our earthly journey.

We are still here by the grace of God. We are blessed with another chance to get our soul right and to serve God. We are created for a purpose we have yet to fulfill. While it is normal to be thrown off balance when grief or difficulties challenge us, we must keep our eyes on God and choose to keep pressing forward.

The wonderful thing about praying is you leave a world of not being able to do something, and enter God’s realm where everything is possible. He specializes in the impossible. Nothing is too great for His almighty power. Nothing is too small for His love. – Corrie Ten Boom

Turn to God with every bump in the road we encounter on the road through grief. We shouldn’t hesitate to pour our heart out to Him. Prayer is the shortest distance between two hearts – God’s and ours. Everything we give God in prayer ties our hearts together. The struggles we encounter and share with Him provide His entry point and invitation to come and help us. He hears our heart cry, and He understands how we feel. He knows exactly what to do.

Yet when holy lovers of God cry out to Him with all their hearts, the Lord will hear them and come to rescue them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain, and He is always ready to restore the repentant one. Even when bad things happen to the good and godly ones, the Lord will save them and not let them be defeated by what they face.

Psalm 34: 17-19 TPT

Grief is a battle between happy and sad. We need to believe God is good to truly believe He will do what He says He will do and fully put our trust in Him. Our confidence in God naturally ebbs and flows, being affected by physical exhaustion, our relationship level with God, our understanding of the situation we find ourselves in, and the kind of support system of others we trust and listen to. Even attacks from our sinful culture can influence this assurance if we let it.

Trusting God is not always easy, yet God knows widows need to take this important step in the unknown season of widowhood. Trust is a verb requiring action. Vine’s Concise Dictionary defines the verb as having confidence.

It’s easy to have confidence in a God we can’t even see when life is easy and things are moving along as expected. Fully believing and trusting God in the struggles takes a special strength of character, and many of us find this more challenging. Even when we are aware of His great love for us, we may find it hard to apply that knowledge during the trials of life.

God’s favorite place to rain His grace and display the rainbow of His great glory is in the environment of suffering, especially when we feel the most fragile. He doesn’t want us to suffer. The Bible shares stories of widows who were left alone. Each one placed her trust in God. He met each one and lifted her out of her pain and put her on a path of promise.

Trust is an action of faith. Perhaps you remember that feeling as a small child jumping into the strong arms of an adult in the deep end of a pool. Or sitting in a chair trusting it would hold your weight. Or making a decision without knowing how the scenario would unfold. We all grow in our trust when we take that leap and find it is what we expected it to be.

The Bible tells us faith is the reality of things we hope for even when we can’t see it with our eyes.

Now faith brings our hopes into reality and becomes the foundation needed to acquire the things we long for. It is all the evidence required to prove what is still unseen.

Hebrews 11: 1 TPT

This is why we trust. God takes our fragile hearts and feelings and gently cares for them. We are told to put our trust in God, not in what we can see or understand. When a widow places her trust in God, she will discover He is worthy of our trust.

So, this life journey is not always what we would like it to be. We will grow and heal. We may keep stumbling at times and get discouraged. But that is not the end. While I continue to hurt again when I face another loss, the truth is I will keep facing this same obstacle as long as this earth keeps turning. Death is a part of life.

But God! I thank God for meeting me where I am. I thank Him for His patience with me. It’s ok to hurt when we lose someone we care about so very much. Life will keep going forward. God is not in a hurry to complete the work He is doing in me.

If you’re struggling with similar challenges, I pray this will help you find or renew your hope. We are fragile beings. We are affected by the things we encounter and go through. With God on our side, we will come through it ok. We will grow stronger to face the next challenge. We can lay the struggles at God’s feet and allow His grace to meet us and heal us. Have a blessed day.

Now may God, the fountain of hope, fill you to

overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect

peace as you trust in Him. And may the power of

the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with

His super-abundance until you radiate with hope!

Romans 15: 13 TPT

About Teri Miner

Teri’s dance with grief actually began over five years before she watched her beloved husband of almost 37 years take his last breath and enter Heaven’s door on October 6, 2019. A terminal degenerative neurological disease steadily and increasingly attacked nearly every major system of his body and transformed him from a vibrant, brilliant, strong and caring man to a bedfast invalid at the end. She was devoted to caring for him and doing her best to make the most of every minute they had left, to love him and pray for a miracle.

She thought she knew what her future held, but she had no idea. Losing him was the first time she experienced a close and personal loss. He was the love of her life. The onslaught of the pandemic with its reign of fear-mongering, forced isolation and separation entering the scene and disrupting or destroying whatever sense of “normal” that remained, just added insult to injury.

Her faith in God is the sustaining force keeping her fighting spirit to find and share hope in a bright future. Her heart’s desire is to walk beside her fellow widows toward a path of promise and healing. She wants to offer encouragement and hope so others can find the strength to take that next breath or next step. She recently started her own blog, https://widowwhispers.blogspot.com/, to share with other widows not only the struggles and hardships of widowhood, but the triumphs. Her hope is found in leaning on the Lord Jesus to enjoy a God inspired future anchored in expectation He will bring us to a fulfilling and meaningful life.