When we decided that we would try to have a baby when I was 40 years old, after a lifetime of being told I would never have kids, the last thing I thought was that I would be doing it alone. I always thought that if my body was too tired, and my chronic illnesses were showing too strong, I would have you to hand him off to. My strong husband who would pick him up and wrap him in his arms and hold on tight when I struggled. I didn’t think I would be doing this alone.
Sometimes I don’t know how I’m making it through this solo mama life. Bedtime is when I feel your absence most. When our toddler is wild and so strong that I can hardly hold him sometimes; when he pees on me and laughs; or throws a cup of water on me at bath time, I think about how much I want you there. About how much easier it would be to share the task or to hand him off when I’m frustrated with him and his little curious mind. Because that’s all he is, curious and smart and funny and he’s just looking for a reaction from his mama, and I hate that sometimes it’s frustration that he sees. I just want to tag you in and say it’s your turn, I don’t want him to see me frustrated. But you’re not there.
I remind myself that you are watching me always. I remind myself that you were always so proud of me and always trusted my decisions. I know that’s no different now. I know that now all you would want is for me to do what’s best for me and our children. This new life is forcing me to make decisions that I never wanted to make or never knew I could make.
I remind myself that the season of parenting is difficult for many, toddlers are just so very, well, toddlers. I remind myself that there are many single parents out there doing this everyday. I remind myself that I have survived everything that life has ever thrown at me when most wouldn’t. I remind myself that this too shall pass. Then I remember that grief never goes away. And I remember that not everyone had a love like this, and that not everyone had a loss like this. And I then remember that clichés don’t help me now.
I’ll keep doing this. I’ll keep being a solo mama, and I’ll keep missing you and wishing you were there. And I will hold our son tight and tell him about his dada and how you played guitar for him every single day and how he has your eyes and your mischievous ways. And I’ll get through. You don’t have to worry about us, we are okay. And you’re safe now. And you’re free.
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr