Nothing Left Unsaid

Tomorrow is Halloween. It was my husband‘s favorite holiday (and Thanksgiving, because of the food). He loved dressing up and putting on a show, he always had. It brought him to life. It’s what he loved so much about being a ballet dancer, putting on a show.

This holiday has me feeling a lot of feelings. It’s a holiday about death, which I am well aware of every day of the year. It will be hard to not have him here to spend it with our boys. I never liked Halloween, not even as a kid. I never wanted to dress up and get attention brought to myself, and I’m having to force my excitement to start these traditions with my 19 month old (who is terrified of all things Halloween, so we may not be going anywhere anyway). But it also has me thinking a lot about an episode of All There Is with Anderson Cooper where he talked with Whoopi Goldberg about the death of her mother and brother. It’s maybe the first time I really felt understood and understood myself in this recent grief stage.

“… I didn’t think I was responding correctly. And I couldn’t figure out why. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t more devastated. And then a couple of days ago, I figured it out. … There was nothing left unsaid with us. So there was no angst to find. That thing that I’ve seen in movies where I see people go through, I didn’t go through it because my experience was, you know I adored and loved you and you were the center of my life. And the same with my brother. And we said it to each other all the time. … And it doesn’t feel like movie grief. Because I think many of us learned how to respond to things from movies and television or books that we’ve read. And when you have said all the things that you know you want to say to somebody, when they go, you’re not going, oh, if I just had that.” – From All There Is with Anderson Cooper: Whoopi Goldberg: Why Did Y’all Leave Me?, Oct 15, 2024

We didn’t leave things unsaid. The good, the bad, we told each other all of it. It took a lot of work to get there in our relationship. He grew up in a brush everything under the rug, don’t talk about what you’re feeling, someone always has it worse, my feelings don’t matter, we never say I love you house. And I grew up in a house where everything was said but with yelling and slamming doors and throwing things, but also I love yous with every bedtime and goodbye and many in between. So it took a lot of work to have good communication, for him to actually speak up and for me to say a lot, “tell me you’re angry with me!” and for me to watch my tone and volume of voice. But we got there. There wasn’t a thing left unsaid. He knew my every thought, I knew his every feeling. And that included I love yous, both with words and actions.

I think that’s why it feels a lot like I’ve done grief wrong. I’m supposed to wish I could say I love you one more time and kiss him one more time, and while those things are true, I want to do them again and I want to do them every day, but I don’t need the “one more time.” Within the hour before he died, we held hands and randomly kissed and gave random “I love you so much” several times in the middle of playing video games.

“And when you have said all the things that you know you want to say to somebody, when they go, you’re not going, oh, if I just had that.” I had that. We had that. It was a beautiful thing. Some may use the puke emoji at this, but we had true love, love you see in the movies, and I will never take for granted what it felt like to have true love with open communication. It was a blessing. He was my blessing.

I will continue to do my best to honor his favorites like Halloween, while also knowing he was my champion and he is whispering in my ear, “I know you will do what’s best for our family, always, and I will be here cheering you on, always.”

Support Widows This Holiday Season!

As we approach the holidays, the Hope for Widows Foundation is seeking sponsors for our annual Bring Hope Holiday Program. This initiative supports widows facing financial challenges, helping them provide gifts and essentials for their children during this special time of year.

Want to make a difference? Become a sponsor and bring hope to a widow’s family this holiday season. Every contribution, big or small, helps spread joy and light. For more details and to sign up, visit: https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows

Note: If you are a widow in need of support this holiday season, the widow application will be available at the end of October or the first week of November. You can find it at the same link.

Let’s make this season brighter together!

About Cassie Dockter-Reeves

Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.

Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.

She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.

You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr