I married my best friend in autumn—two became one. Finding my true love and then tragically losing him literally crushed my heart and weighed down my soul. My deep love for him created this very deep grief that doesn’t go away; it’s not something I will ever get over or move on from. Grief is reshaping me and how I live. It can be so painful but growing around my grief is necessary if I choose to continue.
As the season changed from hot, humid, and sunny, to cool, crisp, and breezy, I prepared myself for the inevitable. This would be my third wedding anniversary without Monty. Each anniversary held its own challenge. The first one was a blur of disbelief and the second one left me broken as his absence became real. This one confirmed that he wasn’t coming back leaving me to navigate life alone. This year will be the year of making plans for one instead of two.
My first trip alone was a work trip. The hardest part was packing the night before and getting the house ready for my weeklong absence. The tears filled my eyes and trickled over my cheeks as I chose outfits without an audience. The next moment brought soft laughter as I pictured him trying on clothing and looking to see which ones met my approval. He was a very thoughtful packer while I was an if-it-fit-once-it-will-fit-again packer. I decided to take my time and try things on while imagining his smile and raised eyebrows. He would not have liked everything I picked out as my style is changing. I was now dressing for myself.
The next morning, I set the clock thirty minutes earlier than I thought I needed. After getting dressed and prepping the house for my absence I barely had enough time to take out the trash and pack up the car. I drove for five hours alternating from honky-tonk music to songs about survival, which was a mix of Pink, Alicia Keys, and Kelly Clarkson. The songs touched my soul in different ways and helped me process an array of feelings. Once I arrived, my days were filled with work and socializing with newfound friends. When I returned home to unpack it was, once again, a mix of tears and laughter.
Eating alone is another experience entirely. In psychology, spotlight effect is the thought that everyone is looking at you, seeing your flaws and watching your every move. The reality is that you usually go unnoticed. However, as a widow, sitting at a bar, because the thought of sitting alone at a table was unbearable, I felt like I was being watched. I was very aware of my aloneness and waited for others to see it, but they didn’t. I ate my meal, drank a glass of wine, and watched football. Throughout this time, I felt Monty by my side as I conquered eating alone at one of our favorite restaurants for the first time.
Everyday routines present challenges of their own. My mornings include black coffee but not coffee in bed with creamer to make it sweet, like Monty used to make. Meals are much different as I cook less so there are quite a few soups and salads, and cereal is now a dinner food. It takes two days to do the yardwork, and the house is not as clean as it was and that’s okay. It’s also okay if I want to spend a Saturday in pajamas watching my favorite movies, yes more than one, and taking occasional naps.
Life has changed but Monty will always be a part of my life. I continue to talk out loud to him, usually not in public, and laugh or cry when a memory moves me. I made some changes in the house, dress a bit more edgy, read more, work out harder, and eat less conventionally. I’m on a new journey where I’m reinventing myself in a singular way. I’m getting to know myself more and now I’m the final decision maker on everything from what to eat, where to go, and what to do. I’m learning to not question myself so much and to be my own priority. Life is different than I planned but I’m grateful for every day and will continue forward as one instead of two.
About Diana Henderson
Diana’s heart was shattered on May 6, 2022, when a reckless driver took the life of her husband, Monty, while walking across the street to go to work. Even though they were married for a mere seven years, Monty was her soulmate, best friend, true love, and entire life. They had been friends since 2008 and became one in 2014. The pain was crushing and intense. The future they planned of retirement and “happily ever after” was abruptly brought to an end. And so began the horrible roller coaster ride called Grief along with the new label of Widow.
By God’s grace and with the support of her family and close friends, she has continued to live moment by moment and day by day. She strives to put together the pieces of her shattered heart, knowing that it will never be the same but that it is still capable of love. Through praying, journaling, counseling, and meditating she works through the many phases of grief over and over again. Her hope is that the pain will permanently soften. She will continue to move forward by honoring Monty’s love and memories and becoming the new Diana that Monty will help to create.
You are an inspiration. Thank you for this post – it helps to hear other’s journeys. I lost my husband in April of 2023 due to him not being able to handle life any more. I do not know what it’s like to navigate all alone as I have 6 of my 8 kiddos still at home. By taking small, daily steps we have come to a much better place these past 18+ months. At times I wished I could just grieve alone, but I am constantly reminded how blessed I am to have these amazing children.
I hope & pray your journey can somehow become softer and more joyful.
G, I’m so sorry for what you and your children are going through. Reading that you’re finding hope is inspiring to me. May we both continue one moment at a time. Hugs!
Thank you for your words. My husband passed away unexpectedly May 2, 2022. We met at 17 and shared 37 years together. It’s my son, daughter, and me now and as they begin to be independent, I’m aware I’ll be on my own. Thank you for inspiring, it gives hope I may be able to try and do this on my own.