Christmas came and went. It was just another day on the calendar of this never ending year. I’m relieved it’s over. I don’t believe this loss will ever get easier. But I do think some days will be harder, and this was one.
I tried my best for our little boy. He deserved all the joy this holiday could bring. And I did my best. I did all the things that brought me the most joy of the holiday season in previous years, figuring those had the best chance of bringing even a glimmer of joy this year. I made a list of Christmas movies I’ve watched in the past and checked it off, managing to view most of them. I decorated with all my favorite decorations. I did what I could. I let some things go, at least for this year, knowing I couldn’t do it all. I had moments of joy, mostly through my 21 month old’s eyes of awe and wonder.
And now we are here, with the first holiday in the past. I’m ready to take it all down. I want it gone. But I’ll ease it away as my beautiful boy is already wondering where his advent calendar went and why the neighbors lights are down. It must be so confusing to a little one to have so many things that bring joy one day and the next day it’s gone. I suppose that’s what grief is for him too, having his Dada one day and the next day he’s gone. I wish I could slowly take that away for him too instead of all at once, so it’s less of a shock to his system. Really, I wish he never had to go away at all if we’re being honest, but I suppose that goes without saying.
I did it. We did it. And now it can be done. Until the next big day. I just want to hibernate now.
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr