My youngest son was 16 months old when his father died. Young enough to only speak a few words, and too young to form lasting memories. Yet, the grief experts, and the mothers of grieving kids all know this truth: If you are old enough to form an attachment, then you are old enough to grieve. If you are old enough to love, then you are old enough to be profoundly affected by the loss of your father.
My little guy sure was attached to his Daddy. He would belly laugh at Daddy’s silliness and delight when he returned home from work. He would follow him around and seek his comfort. Daddy was the best at walking him to sleep. Daddy’s hugs were safe and warm. Daddy was a reliable, secure and unconditionally loving and very present part of every day in his life. Then unexpectedly he was forever gone, never to return. My littlest would walk around our home and talk about Daddy in pictures and then kiss them. He sensed the painful emotions around him and sought comfort more frequently as a result. Now after four year’s of living a life without his father in it, at the age of five, he speaks of feeling very sad to have very few memories of Daddy. He desperately wishes he could have had so much more time with him.
My oldest son was five when his Daddy suddenly passed. They had a tremendous bond. Daddy always knew just how to help him with a worry or when we was feeling sick. Daddy made everything fun and filled with love. Daddy was his hero. Then one night my five year old sweetheart went to sleep and woke up the next morning fatherless. I will never forget just hours after my husband died when my son wandered out groggily asking me “Where’s Daddy?” Some conversations in life are so painful that you can never forget them. Since then, he has bravely carried on, listening to other children talk about their fathers and trying to just be a kid in a world that suddenly feels very unsafe and uncertain to him. Each year he matures, he realizes even more the magnitude of all he has lost and all he will not get to experience with his Daddy.
With each new stage of development has come new things to grieve and this will continue their entire lives. New fears develop, and the need for their father grows stronger and stronger with each new year, yet their Daddy will never be here to watch them grow, celebrate their successes, comfort them when they fail nor role model for them how to be a Godly husband and father. Not only did they endure a sudden drastic change in all aspects of their lives, but they couldn’t help but witness many tearful moments in my (their mother’s) life as I came to terms with the reality of the grief and loss in my life as well.
Some suggested to me that my husband passing away while the children were still young must somehow have made the loss easier on them, to which I replied in tears that I really desperately wanted them to know their father well because he was the very best father I could ever have imagined for them. He was incredible. I wanted them to have memories with him they could store up and remember with a smile. Special times they could hold dear and live out someday with their own children. Instead, they will spend nearly all of their childhoods carrying grief and feeling different from other children. If grief is a nightmare for adults who have come to full maturity then just imagine how horrible and scary it must feel to be a child just trying to understand their loss and the flood of confusing emotions that follow it.
Be aware and for every child in this situation that you may know, do something to show you care.
https://www.childrensgriefawarenessday.org/cgad2/index.shtml
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.