Any one who knows me well will attest to my love of music! I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t love music! I’m sure it’s engrained in me, both my parents are musical, and we grew up singing as a family. I also play piano, and in high school I played the trombone in the band. In college, I picked up the bass guitar and was fairly proficient at it, but singing has always been my forte and I started my college career as a vocal performance major!
Growing up, we listened to mainly what my folks liked, so I heard the Gaithers, and the Carpenters, and others that were similar. As I got into high school, I started exploring other music to find what I liked, and I came across Alternative Rock. Now, keep in mind, this was the 90’s, and their alternative rock is not what today’s alternative is! I was listening to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, R.E.M., Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, Queens of the Stone Age, and U2 to name a few. I also got into rock and metal, with Metallica, Bon Jovi, and even bands like Heart and No Doubt. My tastes have continued to expand since then, and now, I like a little bit of everything! From Luciano Pavarotti to Queensryche and everything in between, my love of music continues to grow!
I’ve mentioned before that I started going back to church shortly after Tommy died. I also started looking for some new Christian artists and found many that I had listened to in the past as well. See, I always have music playing when I’m driving, it’s an absolute necessity! I like to have lots of choices so I can always find something that fits my mood. I came across Sidewalk Prophets thru a random song in one of my playlists one day. The song is called “Father, Let it Be” and I’d never heard it before, but that day, when it started playing, it was a tough day. I was struggling with the question “why did Tommy have to die?” and in response to that question, God sent me this song. By the time the chorus started, I was bawling, and here’s what it says:
“Father, let it be. Help me to believe. Jesus tell me stories of the times you felt like me. Spirit, let me see the forest thru the trees. Help me understand these are the plans you have for me. If it’s your will, God, let it be.”
Then the next verse:
“Here is my soul, desperate for you. Praying the promises you made were for me too. Here is my heart, torn but alive, beating, searching for someone to hear my cries.”
It was everything I had been feeling at that point, 3 months in, still so deep in grief, just utterly exhausted by it all, and still striving to survive for my son. I felt so beyond any strength on my own, a rope burnt at both ends, I had to pull over and just sob for a few minutes, letting out all that deep, dark grief I’d been holding in for my son, who I had just dropped off at school. God knew I needed to grieve and I believe that is why He chose that moment to send me that song, to touch my heart in that way. When I was able to breathe again, I felt a little lighter, like a weight had been lifted momentarily from my heart. I think that was when God started to heal my heart, and I went home feeling better than I had in quite a while, a little more ready to handle the week.
That song will still make me cry out to Him some days, because there are still moments where I feel that desperate dependance on God again, clinging to Him, falling deeper into His arms because that is where I long to be. He still hears the prayers that words cannot express, the longings of my heart that I am still learning to accept for myself. He still calls me by name, the Maker of the stars, and nobody know me better!
This year, one of the bands I’ve gotten into is We are Messengers, partly because I’m a sucker for an Irish accent! This band writes with such authenticity, it makes them very relateable. Two of my favorite songs by them are “Come What May” and “God Be the Glory.” I’ve had to learn to drive thru my tears since Tommy died and these songs will get the tears flowing on many days. It’s just part of grief, so I let it come when its needed. “Come What May” starts out:
“Sometimes sorrow is the door to peace. Sometimes heartache is the gift I need. You’re faithful, faithful in all things. In every high, in every low, on mountain tops, down broken roads. You’re still my rock, my hope remains, I’ll rest in the arms of Jesus, come what may.”
I think it’s because my marriage was anything but perfect behind closed doors that I love this song so much. I love Tommy, I always will, but things weren’t always easy with him, I suspect he had an undiagnosed mental health issue that impacted our relationship negatively. We separated for 3 months in the last year of his life because it all came to a head and the cancer that was killing him had killed a big part of our relationship too. We did reconcile, and I’m very thankful for that, he was able to die at home, where he wanted to be because we worked thru the issues and put aside what was no longer needed. But that line, “sorrow is the door to peace” hits home now because that’s what happened for me. His death brought an area of peace to my life that I hadn’t experienced in 10 years. And that gift was one I needed to recognize what God wanted me to see.
That’s why I love “God Be the Glory” because
“I’ll trade ashes for beauty. I’ll trade joy for my mourning. I’ll trade, to God be the glory. To God be the glory. I’ll trade strength for my weakness. I’ll trade pain for my healing. I’ll trade, let this be my story, to God be the glory. You love me at my best, you love me in my mess. God, you’re so good to me. There’s one thing I am sure, your promises endure, you make a way for me. When my heart can’t find the beat, when it’s dark, and I can’t see, I will put my hope in you.”
He does take us at our worst and then trade our ashes for His beauty, our mourning for His joy. And so, to God be the glory!
I could write pages and pages about other songs that God has sent me over the years. It’s why I share one with every blog post I write, as I want them to encourage and give you hope too! I believe that nothing in life is truly random, but that God is in the details. I believe He directs songs to me when I need them, to bring me some encouragement, that He truly gets EXACTLY how I’m feeling. He’s felt the same way, too, after all. He felt that deepest of grief when He had to turn away from watching His Son die an agonizing death on the cross, the same cross that MY sin put Him on. He felt that separation that comes with death, when He could no longer feel His Son there anymore. He was separated from Jesus for 3 days, so He does get it, more than I’d ever considered before losing Tommy. He understands our pain of having our person ripped away from us, because His son was ripped away from Him, too. He also knows the JOY that came when Jesus was resurrected, and the reunification that was given then. Some day, sisters, some day we will finally be united with God, too! We will experience what HIS love feels like “in person” in our new heavenly bodies! It’s the deepest longing of my heart, to be next to Him forever, and never separated again!
So I leave you with another favorite by We Are Messengers. Go and listen to “Close” and let God speak to you thru it!
