This was shared with me many years ago when my youngest son was born with a congenital heart defect. It was very helpful to understand and accept my new normal at that time. For some reason it showed up in the notes section of my phone today. I reread it and thought how much it stands true in my new journey of widowhood.
When you begin to read this part “describe the experience of raising a child with a disability” change that in your mind to “describe the experience of grief”. To me, the explanation is pretty spot on. We are not dropped into a disgusting, horrible, filthy place only a different place. A new road many of our family and friends have never traveled. I’m thankful for the new people I would never have crossed paths with if not being dropped into this journey. Never will I be one to say this journey is an easy road but I’ve come to understand I can’t live in the same mindset of the previous life we had. If we don’t learn to accept our new place we will never allow ourselves to see or enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.
My hopes is this will help you as much as it helped me today.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reservedI am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.
About Pam Williams
Pam was born and raised in Texas and is the oldest of her siblings. She has worked in education for over 15 years with the last two being a graphic design instructor.
In the spring of 2011, with both of them almost 41, lots of baggage between the two (which fondly became known as “the luggage”, Pam met her husband and soulmate Glenn and soon after they began to merge their families. The wonderful journey began but everyone always knew it had been destined.
Pam is a mom and bonus mom to five adult children (plus two wonderful son in laws), a grammy to five adventure seeking grands , and widow after Glenn passed away due to complications of a congenital heart condition on November 3, 2019.
Pam has often blogged, journaled, and spoke about all of the joys, ups and downs, and adventures of their life and has been encouraged by many to actually share with the world. She has begun a personal blog and soon will be publishing for all to enjoy.
My brother works with children and youth that have different challenges. He shared that same piece with me when my husband first was diagnosed with cancer. I wrote a blog piece then reflecting on it. It enabled me to face our future as a “shiny time”. Thanks for reminding me. This grief has been much harder without him but I understand that this is my journey and I to need to be able to find its beauty. Thank you.
Ann-
I’m so glad this helped. It definitely popped up when I needed to see it again.
I hope you can find your “Holland”. It definitely has not been easy but knowing there are others that are here and understand helps!