I missed my last blog post. I couldn’t find any words. I think maybe because I knew the first big day was fast approaching and I wanted to say whatever I could think of for this post. And now it’s a week away and words are still escaping me. I think I’ve been pretty numb this past month and with whatever I have felt, I have been “eating my feelings,” as Jonathan would say.
Honestly, it feels like it’s been longer than a year. It feels like it’s been so much longer since I last felt your hand in mine and last had your arms embrace me until I melted. It feels like longer than a year since I last felt your lips on mine and last felt your forehead kisses that made me feel so safe. And honestly, I think what has been getting to me the most lately is the fact that our son has lived more of his life without his Dada than he has with you physically in it. And that breaks my heart all over every single time I think of it.
You are such a presence in our home still. Everest kisses the photo of you above his crib every single night before he goes to bed. When we were out and about today, and I said we were gonna go home, he said “Dada home” as in you would be there. We talk about you all the time. There isn’t a moment that you’re not thought about.
I just keep thinking about how incredibly honored I am, that you lived the rest of your life with me. I selfishly wanted you to be here much longer and I know you wanted to be here much longer too. To have someone who loved me with their entire being spend the rest of their life with me, it’s not something I will ever take for granted. I know not everybody gets a love like this. And I don’t care if I get all the puke emojis in the world, because we had the most pure and perfect love for one of another, love that movies and books are written about and Delilah talks about on the radio. I will forever be honored to have been called your wife and to be the mother of your child. No matter where my life takes me, that is something forever that will be certain and true. That you loved me with everything you had and I love you with everything I am.
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr