Barrie used to get perturbed when I said that. He said in his experience when someone close to him said, “I’ve been thinking.”, it would either cost him money or mean trouble. I was/am always saying, “I’ve been thinking.” It did and does mean that I have a change or challenge of sorts in mind.
I have been thinking a lot lately, not just about us and our times together, but where I’m going from here. I’ve been thinking of the responsibilities I have, those I want to get rid of and those I never want to have again. This has led me to a point of inflection: do I stay where I am or do I make my move.
A close friend of mine dreamt about Barrie the other day. He told her to tell me that he was ok, that he didn’t want to leave me, but he had to go because he was in pain. He told her to tell me that he loved me, to make that decision, but make a decision that will allow me to live and laugh and be happy. He said life was too short and that we would meet again. Her dream was so precise. She said I was at my computer and Barrie was sat in his favourite spot on the couch and that he was looking over me. Initially, it made me cry my eyes out, but in the end it was oddly comforting because even though I’m quite sceptical when it comes to believing in anything, I rationally think there may be some space in our brains that we haven’t developed yet which allows us to connect to the energy they left behind and that that energy will envelop us or mix with ours when our time comes, perhaps that is what he meant.
Bless Roz for giving me that message because I feel oddly relieved to know that he is ok. I guess that is all I need to know, that wherever he is, he is ok.
I’ve been thinking a lot. Some days, I don’t want to think, so I get lost in a book or in the TV. Other days, I go over and over and over what my next move is. I guess it’s just part of the bewilderment we are left in when our soulmates are gone. I still struggle with the triggers, for instance, at the street market the other day when I was checking out all the stalls with my daughter and I saw his favourite polo shirts. He used to love those cotton shirts in shades of blue, white, beige or grey. I caught them out of the corner of my eye and when I focused on them, the tears came. I often catch myself looking at men’s clothing and sadly think, I won’t be buying clothes for him anymore. He used to say he was ok with just minimal items of clothing. He used to say he had only one body so why so many shirts or trousers or shoes. I love clothes. I wear something different every single day. He said it was ok for me because I had to work. He was selfless that way, too. He would rather I spent money on me than on him.
I miss you, love. I’ve been thinking, 😊 I’ve been thinking a lot about you and where I go next.

He estado pensando
A Barrie solía perturbarle cuando decía eso. Decía que, en su experiencia, cuando alguien cercano a él decía: “He estado pensando”, le costaría dinero o significaría problemas. Yo siempre decía: “He estado pensando”. Significaba y significa que tengo un cambio o desafío en mente.
He estado pensando mucho últimamente, no solo sobre nosotros y nuestros momentos juntos, sino sobre hacia dónde voy desde aquí. He estado pensando en las responsabilidades que tengo, aquellas de las que quiero deshacerme y aquellas que nunca quiero volver a tener. Esto me ha llevado a un punto de inflexión: ¿me quedo donde estoy o me pongo en movimiento?
Una amiga cercana soñó con Barrie el otro día. Le dijo que me dijera que estaba bien, que no quería dejarme, pero que tenía que irse porque sufría dolor. Le dijo que me dijera que me amaba, que tomara esa decisión, pero que tomara una decisión que me permitiera vivir, reír y ser feliz. Dijo que la vida era demasiado corta y que nos volveríamos a encontrar. Su sueño fue tan preciso. Dijo que yo estaba al ordenador y Barrie estaba sentado en su lugar favorito en el sofá y que me estaba mirando. Inicialmente, me hizo llorar mucho, pero al final fue extrañamente reconfortante porque, aunque soy bastante escéptica cuando se trata de creer en algo, racionalmente pienso que puede haber algún espacio en nuestros cerebros que aún no hemos desarrollado y que nos permite conectarnos con la energía que dejaron atrás y que esa energía nos envolverá o se mezclará con la nuestra cuando llegue nuestro momento. Quizás eso es lo que quiso decir.
Gracias Roz por darme ese mensaje porque me siento extrañamente aliviada al saber que está bien. Supongo que eso es todo lo que necesito saber, que dondequiera que esté, está bien.
He estado pensando mucho. Algunos días, no quiero pensar, así que me pierdo en un libro o en la televisión. Otros días, repaso una y otra vez cuál será mi próximo movimiento. Supongo que es solo parte de la perplejidad en la que nos quedamos cuando nuestros compañeros del alma se van. Todavía lucho con los desencadenantes, por ejemplo, en el mercadillo el otro día cuando estaba revisando los puestos con mi hija y vi sus polos favoritos. Solía amar esos polos de algodón en tonos azul, blanco, beige o gris. Las vi de reojo y cuando me concentré en ellas, las lágrimas vinieron. A menudo me encuentro mirando ropa de hombre y pensando tristemente, ya no compraré ropa para él. Solía decir que estaba bien con solo artículos mínimos de ropa. Solía decir que solo tenía un cuerpo, así que ¿por qué tantas camisas o pantalones o zapatos? Me encanta la ropa. Uso algo diferente cada día. Él decía que estaba bien para mí porque tenía que trabajar. Era desinteresado de esa manera también. Prefería que gastara dinero en mí que en él.
Te echo de menos, amor. He estado pensando mucho en ti y en hacia dónde voy a continuación.

Mark your calendars! The Hope For Widows Foundation’s annual Widows of Hope 5K is back! Join us virtually from Friday, May 9, through Sunday, May 11, 2025.
This event is open to all—whether you’re a widow, widower, a friend or family member showing support, or participating in honor of a loved one or cause. Your involvement makes a real difference, with all proceeds directly benefiting widows through our Restoring Hope and Peace Grants, Sunshine Boxes program, and Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program.
Register and find FAQs here: http://getmeregistered.com/WidowsofHope5K
Looking for more ways to get involved? Sponsorship opportunities are available! If you or a business you know would like to support, we’d love to connect. Go here: https://hopeforwidows.org/5k-sponsorship/

¡Apúntalo en el calendario! ¡La carrera anual Widows of Hope 5K de la Fundación Hope For Widows está de vuelta! Únete virtualmente del viernes 9 de mayo al domingo 11 de mayo de 2025.
Este evento está abierto a tod@s viud@s, amig@s o familiares que muestran su apoyo, o que participan en honor a un ser querido o una causa. Su participación marca una gran diferencia, ya que todas las ganancias benefician directamente a las viudas a través de nuestras Becas Restaurando la Esperanza y la Paz, el programa Sunshine Boxes y el Programa de Asistencia Navideña Bring Hope.
Regístrate y consulta las preguntas frecuentes aquí: http://getmeregistered.com/WidowsofHope5K
¿Busca más maneras de participar? ¡Hay oportunidades de patrocinio disponibles! Si tú o una empresa que conoces deseas apoyar la fundación, nos encantaría conectar con vosotr@s. Visite: https://hopeforwidows.org/5k-sponsorship/

About 

Carmen is a 66-year-old widow who is living in Spain. She was born in Vancouver, B.C., Canada to Spanish parents. Since 2019 she has been living in Antequera in the south of Spain. She was married to Barrie Eggington, her soul mate and love of her life till he passed away on December 23rd, 2023, after a long battle with lung cancer.

Thanks to Hope for Widows, which she found online just a few weeks after his passing, Carmen found a group who not only understood what she was going through when few others did, but also solace in her sisters in grief, a place where she could express her feelings and find the resonance she needed.

Carmen has been an English teacher and teacher trainer for over 30 years in Europe, the Middle East and North America. She still teaches English and is the principal at the government funded language school where she is currently working. She spends her time with her daughter and grandchildren. She goes to the gym every day, loves the beach, particularly Torremolinos where she reminisces about the time she spent there with her late husband.

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Carmen Medina

Carmen is a 66-year-old widow who is living in Spain. She was born in Vancouver, B.C., Canada to Spanish parents. Since 2019 she has been living in Antequera in the south of Spain. She was married to Barrie Eggington, her soul mate and love of her life till he passed away on December 23rd, 2023, after a long battle with lung cancer. Thanks to Hope for Widows, which she found online just a few weeks after his passing, Carmen found a group who not only understood what she was going through when few others did, but also solace in her sisters in grief, a place where she could express her feelings and find the resonance she needed. Carmen has been an English teacher and teacher trainer for over 30 years in Europe, the Middle East and North America. She still teaches English and is the principal at the government funded language school where she is currently working. She spends her time with her daughter and grandchildren. She goes to the gym every day, loves the beach, particularly Torremolinos where she reminisces about the time she spent there with her late husband.

All Posts by Carmen Medina