Today is our 4th wedding anniversary. I should be waking up today to your snores. I should be reaching over and kissing you on the cheek like I did when you were sleeping and you had no idea. I should be getting up with our 2-year-old, changing him, taking him to go potty. I should be giving him breakfast while I make you breakfast, the one (and only) meal that I did just as well you (according to you). I should be coming into our room with a plate full of food as our toddler jumps on the bed to wake you. We should be having breakfast in bed while he plays, mostly getting into things he shouldn’t and us having to jump up a million times to stop him.
We should be taking him to my sister’s house, giving him lunch there, then putting him down for a nap there together. Once he’s asleep, we should be going to see Fantastic Four in the theater since we both love Marvel movies, and both have a mad crush on Pedro Pascal (plus side of you being bisexual, we get to share crushes). We should be picking him up after the movie, taking him home, giving him a bath, reading a book together in bed, before we put him down for the night.
You should be bringing me a glass of rosé on the couch. We should be exchanging gifts that we said we wouldn’t get for each other, but we were both so terrible at following. We should be saying how we will pick a new movie to watch, but then we would probably end up watching The Goonies. We’d reminisce about our wedding in Cannon Beach, OR (which had many references in the ceremony to The Goonies, because we are weirdos like that). Then we should be hugging and kissing goodnight. I’d go get ready for bed as you stay up too late watching things on YouTube, usually fashion shows or late night shows from the night before.
It would’ve been the perfect day.
Instead, it’s almost 17 months without you. And I woke up to our toddler chatting in his crib. I got up alone, and got him ready for the day. I made breakfast for him while he was yelling demands at me. Then I made breakfast for myself while drinking coffee and him refusing to eat. Then I spent the day chasing him and packing and cleaning like mad to get our condo, our only home together, ready to go on the market in the next couple weeks.
I’m learning to stop living in shoulds, and trying to live in now. In doing what is best for me, and in doing what is best for our baby, and not holding on to a future we can’t have anymore. Today is hard, but not that much harder than every single other day without you.
I do feel like I’m starting to live again instead of just surviving like the past year and a half. And I know you support all my decisions and are so damn proud of me. Happy 4th wedding anniversary, my love. I’ll make sure to get myself that gift I said I’d never get in honor of you. You are forever my Goonie. I love you so much. GNSD.
I took a little break from my blog, but I’m glad to be back, sharing my love story again.
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr