Oh yes, it is real! Widow fog is not a figment of my imagination. Before I became a widow, I had heard of this misunderstood phenomenon; yet, never identified or comprehended the jarring validity that it entails, as I frankly hadn’t walked in widowhood’s shoes. Now, I am a living, walking, and poster board example. Have you experienced widow fog?
Before my beloved husband’s death and life as I knew it for 24 years became an altered vortex of reality, I was organized and established. Our home was structured, bills were paid on time, birthday and Christmas presents were bought and wrapped months in advance, and time management was efficient. Likewise, even in times of adversity and challenges, there was a serene, simplified ease to life as we relied on the mutual strength and support of each other.
Unfortunately, the turbulent, multi-faceted cycle of sorrow has merged and played havoc with my mind. I have misplaced bills, thought I had paid certain bills, gotten days mixed-up, and I have even driven to the wrong destinations. Moreover, I lost one set of my car keys, the second set, and then the third. How in the world could I possibly loose three sets? In addition, grocery items that belong in my refrigerator somehow end up in my pantry and vice versa. Furthermore, I have walked out of the house heading to town without shoes on, worn two different boots and forgotten how to spell my name.
As I attempted to explain this to one of my friends, I illustrated how it is similar to walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for; although, it is so much more elevated, disruptive and recurrent. I have come to realize that absentmindedness, distraction, feeling sluggish and clouded judgment can all be normal factors of loss.
Below is one of my typical widow fog days; however, with a warm twist reflecting how the genuine kindness of strangers transformed and re-fueled my day.
I was at a doctor’s appointment, feeling very alone without my husband by my side (as he usually went with me, especially concerning a new diagnosis) when an x-ray technician came up to me. She seemed to sense my sorrow and started inquiring about my life. Her sincere compassion and the time that she spent with me was soul touching. Afterwards, as I walked to my car, a man started chasing and yelling at me. Unbeknownst to me, in the lobby, I had dropped a second pair of car keys that I didn’t know I had with me. The man was out of breath as he handed my keys back to me. Then, lost in my thoughts, I pulled up to a Starbuck’s drive-thru window, not even realizing that I had forgotten to order at the speaker. The barista looked at me, smiled and said, “I think you need a free drink!” Next, as I walked into the store, I attempted to put my keys into my purse and take out my shopping list; but, somehow, I dropped my purse-and mind you, not just a simple drop! Every item in my purse scattered all across the floor! Two men came running to my rescue and helped me pick everything up. Okay, so the icing on the cake… somehow, as I was checking out and grabbing my wallet, my hair got wrapped around a little, embellished lock on my purse. So here I was, with my head stuck to my purse and I couldn’t budge. The lady behind me in-line tried to help, the cashier tried to help, and another gentlemen employee also tried to help. Finally, my hair came loose! As I drove home, reflecting on the thoughtfulness of the 8 strangers, my heart was yet again softened with thankfulness.
Upon returning home, I found a poem amidst my pile of paper work. A cousin had sent it to me. The author is unknown. It is so fitting to my situation. “Excuse me, I am presently distressed and stricken by the most harrowing, unthinkable pain imaginable-grief! Your kindness, your understanding, your empathy would lighten my load. Thank you in advance, as I might forget to express my appreciation.”
My day also reiterated the fact that I needed to be kind to myself. I believe that widow fog is all part of the healing process. Grief is so real and debilitating emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Our energy, bodies and minds innately slow themselves down as a natural defense mechanism in order to promote inner healing. If you are experiencing widow fog, please from one friend to another, breathe, exhale deeply, go slow, strive to be gentle with your progress, praise yourself, allow yourself to react with humor instead of frustration and bask in the knowledge that you are OKAY!
As always, I appreciate hearing from you as we uplift and support each other. Please feel free to share and/or comment.
Now, if I can only remember my password and how to post this blog, I will be doing fine!
With Reverence and Blessings to You,
Lisa Dempsey Bargewell
My blog topic for next Wednesday: I Don’t Recognize Myself
Widowed nearly 20 months ago after being together for 54 years and married for 48 I have learned this week that I have widows fog.
Oh! How pleased I am to be able to label all this tumult. To know that I’m not losing it. To know that I’m experiencing normal reactions. THANK YOU.
Barbara, like you, my husband and I were together for 54 years and married for 48 years. He died 22 months ago. I learned about Widow’s Brain/Fog a while back, but recently came across an article that explained it in more scientific terms and talks about how to deal with it. At this point in my grief, I want my brain back and I’m guessing you do too. The article is called Understanding Widow Fog. I found it very helpful. Hope you will too. This is so hard and I need all the help I can get.
Here’s a link to the artcle: https://thewidowsfoundation.nl/welcome-welkom-bienvenue/english/medical-information/brain-health-menu/widow-brainwidow-fog/understanding-widow-fog-part-i/
I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly 3.5 months ago to a heart attack, he was 58 years old. Before my husband passed away I was the glue that held the family together, I was organized, great job and never lost anything. I now misplace my keys, phone (sometimes I’m holding it and I’m still looking for it).
I have a great job, but feel everything I’ve learned was forgotten after my husband died. I worry every day if I will be the rmployI used to be???
I really appreciate this blog.
I had never heard of widow fog before today, when I saw it mentioned in my online support group for FTD survivors. My husband died six months ago from bvFTD (frontotemporal dementia with behavioral variant), a rare form of dementia completely different from Alzheimer’s. I am experiencing the same symptoms that you talk about. I am also grieving from the havoc the disease caused in my marriage over a period of several years before my husband’s diagnosis, and then being a full-time caregiver at home until his passing. I am feeling pressure from friends and family who think I should be doing better by now than I am. I have tried counseling, but so few people know about the affects of bvFTD, that I cannot find understanding except in my online support groups, which contain people from all over the world who also have experienced much misunderstanding. Thank you for what you’re doing with this blog. When we learn to understand our grief, I believe it helps us heal.
It’s been 3 years for me. Today i spoke to a woman who explained that some of what I am experiencing could still be widows fog. I have gone on with my life. I dated and married about a year ago. I still forget why i walked into a room and my daughter tells me i am not myself and don’t look happy. After my husbands death i didn’t miss a beat. It was business as normal. I was a single mom. I lost days and weeks of memory. But i looked productive. I dated and drank. Now i have married. My judgement hasnt been what it once was. The numb is still there. Love is dull and fear is real. I had never heard of widows fog until today. Can what I’m still feeling be attributed to this?
I thought I was going crazy, and so thankful to read your blog. I’m sorry for your loss as I too was married to my husband for 24 years. He passed away suddenly in our home at the age of 50. I performed CPR until the paramedics arrived but he was already gone from a heart attack. I’m trying to be strong for our children, two in college and one in 6th grade. They miss their dad so much. From the days just after he passed, 9/8/17, I have been confused, forgetting most things, low energy, and actually tried to get into someone else’s car at the grocery store. I work with special needs kids and they are very forgiving when I forget something and they are very uplifting when I’m with them. I’m thankful and blessed for my children and the children I work with. As it nears six months of his passing I feel the fog/grief is getting worse and not better. Has anyone experienced this? Thank you
Thank you for posting. Three and a half months ago my beloved, romantic, self-taught, multi-talented knight in shining armor died after a slow decline. We had been married for fifty years. I knew when I married him that the chances were astronomical that I would outlive him. He was twenty years my senior. We dated for two years before I said yes to marriage. What gave me the courage to marry someone that much older was an object lesson in fate. A thirty-year-old friend with a husband near her age unexpectedly became a widow when he was killed in an auto accident. Suddenly, I realized there are no guarantees in life. I might bypass my knight and never find anyone like him again. So I grabbed the golden ring and married my true love. We had a magnificent 50-year marriage. And with it came the kind of life I dreamed of: lots of travel, interesting experiences, great camaraderie, blossoming of my talents, a beautiful, accomplished daughter, etc., etc. Knowing what I know now, if I had it to do all over again, I’d grab him up in a heartbeat and set sail on the beautiful sea of life we shared. I wouldn’t change a thing. If you want to see us online, key in Charles Boeckman.
Thank you, Patti Boeckman, for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you reading my blog. Blessings and Hugs to You, Lisa Dempsey Bargewell