As my husband was dying, he and I never talked of his dying of cancer… never said good bye and never lived like death was something to give into. Oh yes, there were moments of agony and defeat and doubt, but never a formal goodbye or giving up. It was the most difficult, beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. Indescribable….
I may never have said good bye.. but I remember when he went to sleep… I knew, in my heart he may never wake. I whispered in his ear, Jesus loved him and that it was okay to stop battling and rest. I was shocked, he actually said “I know,”… he’d been so still for so long, but from the depths of who he was, he spoke. I asked him what Jesus was telling him, as I truly longed for assurances of heaven and for peace in these last moments together. He said, “Jesus is telling me lots of things.” That was the last thing he said on this earth. The strange thing was… with all the people in the room, no one else heard it but me.
I wondered if it was real… but it was the enemy, he had entered my thoughts was trying to steal from me this one last precious treasure. A treasure that I had begun to discovered within myself, because of my beloved husband. It was a gift from God through the humility and honesty of my beloved that I saw, underneath this rough stone, there was a diamond inside of me, though veiled and shrouded. Chris would have said it was formed over these many years of living in the pressures of the heat and fire; living in the adversity of this world; living in the tremendous challenges of death’s dark corners.
My beloved husband saw my value under all the rubble I was buried under, the protective veil I wore and the shroud I covered myself with. He gifted me with His love… not perfect love, but unconditional love, together we moved from beyond the fires of Hell, this world can burn us with. The day he spoke his last words… my grey, stony, outer layer cracked. His words ushered me in to see a glimpse of heaven… and through that deep painful crack… something began to sparkle and shine. The rubble and veil and shroud, could not hide the discovery of this light. I believe my husband saw it, and knew what I wouldn’t begin to understand for sometime. Chris was faithfully used by God, helping me leave the fire kilns at the outskirts of Hell…. to see heaven was real, sharing it’s brilliance with me… so that the light of it would shine from the crack in my stony, protective places. I knew that he was going to live again, free of his cancer ravaged body. My husband death changed my life.
A facet this treasure revealed was… my value. Under all that this world can pile upon us, and bury us under… there is a diamond of great value inside us all. Though shrouded by a veil of pain and loss… it still… should not be hidden. For my beloved husband and the great love of my Savior, I will go forward and allow the outer layer to be painfully and patiently removed.
I pray, in time, that the stone gray shroud of a widow’s painful loss, will reveal more facets… and that I may shine, someday, for the one who gave them as a gift to counter the darkness and reveal the beauty that has been hiding there waiting. Just waiting for the Great Bridegroom of my heart, the one whom my beloved husband stands beside today, to lift the veil that has hidden the diamond facets of my face. And… in lifting this veil, I will know… truly know, God is my husband, the Lover of my soul, the giver and provider of all I have and the redeemer of my broken heart.
Hope sisters, please remember you are of value, precious and treasured. There is more inside you then you know.