GOD, I trust you so much I have many days and moments when I am just in a trance. I walk moment by moment. Sometimes I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing! Today is Saturday and sometimes Saturdays can be melancholy because my husband passed away on a Saturday. What am I feeling? I am going to allow myself to continue to be where I am, to feel whatever I need to feel.
Time has fallen back which means I woke up even earlier than usual my body is used to waking up early. I don’t think I have had a consecutive week of sound sleep since My Devan has been gone. I often wonder if I will forever be unable to sleep soundly again.
Devan knew I hated sleeping without him, he knew that unless he was out of town I couldn’t get to sleep until I knew he was home. And when he traveled he always let me know when he was safe and sound. These are the things no one can tell you nor prepare you for when you lose your soulmate.
I have spent 407 days in this world without My Devan. The man I thought I was going to grow really old with, the man I was suppose to renew my vows with after 30 years of marriage. Devan and I truly lived out each and every word of our vows to the end.
I still sit in shock at times of it all. I’ve heard “it will get better” well, it hasn’t gotten better. I can honestly say that because my faith is so strong I ache yet I trust GOD and his perfect plan.
My husband passed on September 24, 2016 so I realized that on September 23, 2017, and every month prior to that day I could reflect on the prior year 2016 I had memories of my husband still in the world with me, however; now a year later my memories of last year at this time are memories without him in the world with me, with us.
Yes, I have tons of memories, pictures, videos and so much more which will never die which I am so grateful to have but it doesn’t replace him.
I understand fully and completely that this is going to be a long process and as the days turn into weeks, months and years. I will learn to cope so that I can continue to live out loud like my husband expects me to do.