Today I am wistful for a different time.  
For a time when I always knew exactly where I stood.  
For a time when I didn’t worry about everything.  
For a time when I knew beyond a doubt that I was someone’s whole world.  
For a time that didn’t involve me second guessing myself and every decision I make.
For a time when the word widow did not apply to me.

Today I am wistful for an earlier time.
A time when my life wasn’t marked as before and after.
A time when my family was intact.
A time when my son had his father.

A time when hospital stays things were the only thing that separated us.

A time when the word widow did not apply to me.

 

Today I am wistful for an easier time.

For a time when I didn’t know what it meant to have the eyes of grief.

For a time when I didn’t know how to plan a funeral or order death certificates.

For a time when I didn’t have to force myself to get out of bed everyday.

For a time when I wasn’t a solo parent.

For a time when the word widow did not apply to me.

 

Today I am wistful for a different time.

A time when my life made sense.

A time when I wasn’t always physically and emotionally exhausted.

A time when I could sleep through the entire night.

A time when my heart didn’t ache with certain memories.

A time when the word widow did not apply to me.

 

Today I am wistful for a different, earlier, easier time.

Maybe it’s because Camp Widow is this weekend.

Maybe it’s because my life is full of unknowns right now.

Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not in control and I like to be in control.

Maybe it’s because big changes are on the horizon.

Maybe it’s because of this crazy widow life.  

 

Today I am wistful for a different, earlier, easier time.

Or maybe it’s wishful.

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Carla Duff

Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less. She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.

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