Being a remarried widow is tough. It’s hard to not compare my current situation to my present one. And honestly, it is something I rarely if ever do. My two loves are completely different people My late husband was the perfect man for me at that time in my life. And my new husband is the amazing, loving, and supportive man that is perfect for me right now.
I miss the relationship I had with my late husband. For 14 years I was married to a man who always made me feel loved and appreciated. And I missed it terribly when Jared died. I missed him. I missed the me I was with him. And I missed the “we” we were together.
After his death, I fought hard to find the new me, rebuild my life. Discover who I was as a single, widowed person. And when I met my new husband, at first I was terrified. And truth be told, I still am. I worked hard to get a place where I could not just survive, not just function but thrive. I worked hard to discover the me that I became after Jared died. And I like her. I never intended to love again. To let anyone in, to be that close with anyone again.
When I met my new husband and our relationship became serious, I was terrified that by loving him and letting him in, I would lose that part of myself I worked so hard to build. That I would again open myself up to the potential pain and heartache of losing someone I loved. But it was a risk I decided to take. I realized that opening myself to loving a new man didn’t mean I had to lose the person I had become. I could love the me I had become and so could my new love. And together we could make our own future.
So I said yes to love for the second time. It was scary as hell to start a new relationship. And it was even more terrifying when I realized it was very serious. But I love this man. I wanted to take a chance on forever again. However long that might be. But I still fear losing myself. I still fear that someday he’ll leave and I’ll be truly all alone again. And that causes me to push him away. Fight against him. Sabotage our relationship. Fear is a powerful emotion. And it takes an amazing man with a huge heart to understand that. And to not walk away no matter how hard he’s pushed.
As terrifying as a relationship post loss can be, the rewards far outweigh the risks. I’m grateful I took the risk. Jumped in with both feet. Trusted that I could love again and still be true to myself. And I have an amazing new husband who loves me fears and all.
About Carla Duff
Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.
She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief
Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.
Absolutely terrified to date, thank you for this! It’s like you peeked into my life.