I hate Father’s Day. As a solo widowed mom, Father’s Day is one of the days I dread most. It’s harder than his birthday. Harder than his angelversary. Harder than our wedding anniversary. Because it’s a reminder that my son’s dad is dead and his world was forever changed. And knowing that hurts my momma heart.
I just want to scream F*ck You Father’s Day.
For the last several years, my son and I have run away on Father’s Day. Gone somewhere else. Explored someplace new. Tried to escape the memories. While making memories and honoring Jared.
You know what? You can’t run away from the pain. You can’t out run the hurt. You can’t forget what’s missing. No matter how far you travel.
Father’s Day is a bittersweet holiday. A day to honor the man who shared my life, shared in the life of our son. A day to remember the amazing dad he was. Unfortunately, he isn’t here to join in the celebration. But that doesn’t mean we won’t celebrate him. Honor him. Remember him. Miss him. We will do all those things. Because Jared deserves it.
But I still want to scream on Father’s Day.
This year, my son and I are staying home. For the first time, we will be celebrating Father’s Day in our home by ourselves. And I don’t like it one bit. It’s too painful. Too hard. Too many reminders of who is missing. The day is hard, no matter what, but being here alone just the two of us with no plans is almost unbearable.
And the day is made even harder because my dad is dead. Two of the most important men in my life are gone. That certainly puts a damper on a holiday. I want to honor and celebrate Jared and my dad but that’s harder to do when they are celebrating in heaven.
Makes me want to scream even louder on Father’s Day.
On Sunday, Steven and I will go to church and light a candle for Jared. Then we will have lunch and tell stories about his dad. We will laugh. Because Jared stories always make us laugh.
And since I am remarried on Sunday we will also celebrate my new husband. Long distance since he is Texas, but we will call and wish him the best day. But even though we will celebrate Jon being in our lives, that doesn’t take away the pain. The loss. The ache of the person that is missing. While we love and appreciate my new husband, honor his role in our lives, we still miss Jared. One person does not replace another.
Sunday will be the end of our five weeks of grief hell. The end of five holidays in five weeks. Five painful reminders that Jared is dead and our lives are forever changed.
As painful as Father’s Day is, I am grateful that Steven has an amazing dad. And that even though he is celebrating in heaven, that we have the privilege of honoring Jared here on earth. Steven reminds me so much of his dad. His dad that made me smile every time I saw him with our son. And for that I will always be grateful.
Maybe, someday Father’s Day won’t be so painful.
Maybe then I won’t want to scream F*ck You Father’s Day.