I am a remarried widow.  

I love my new husband.

I am happy with my new life.

And sometimes that makes me feel disloyal to my late husband. 

 

My late husband loved me completely.  Unconditionally. More than anything else.  And I loved him the same. With my whole heart. When I married him, I knew that someday I would have to say goodbye but the love we shared was worth the potential heartache. When he died, a part of me died too.  Yet, I wouldn’t trade one minute of our time together to avoid the hurt I have felt since his death.

 

When I met my new husband, I felt emotions I hadn’t felt in years. He stirred feelings in me I thought were buried forever.  And I quickly fell head over heels in love with him. And we married a year later. 

 

I love my new husband.  But sometimes I hold back.  Keep him at arm’s length. Protect myself.  For fear that he might leave too. And I don’t want to ever feel that pain again.  I tell myself I am protecting myself. Protecting my heart. But in reality I am letting fear steal my joy.  Instead of enjoying every moment, I find myself worrying about the what if’s. And I know better. Know that life can change in a split second. And that I shouldn’t take any of it for granted. 

 

When I first fell in love with my new husband, I jumped in with both feet.  Was all in. 100%. But lately, I find myself feeling disloyal to my late husband.  I always said he was the love of my life, my soulmate. So how can I say I love my new husband completely when I still love my late husband?  If I give myself 100% to my new husband, will I lose the part of my heart that carries Jared’s heart? Is it possible that because I have two lives, before and after Jared’s death, I can have a love for each lifetime?

 

One man, one love does not replace the other.  My love for my new husband doesn’t diminish my love for Jared or vice versa.  My heart can expand to love both of them. So why do I find myself feeling disloyal?  

 

Maybe it’s because for the first year of our marriage, my new husband lived 1000 miles away. And this summer he moved to Florida, in our house. And since we have lived together full-time, I have noticed that I feel disloyal to my late husband. I think when my new husband lived 1000 miles away, it was different.  We saw each other one weekend a month and holidays and I didn’t feel disloyal at all. But now that it is full time, every day, I do. 

 

Maybe it’s because now that he lives in our house full-time, he is doing all of the things that Jared used to do. He’s helping to parent my son. He’s helping take care of household responsibilities. He’s my partner. All the things that Jared was and did.  And can never be or do again.

 

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of losing what was with Jared.  That if give myself 100% to my new husband, I’ll feel like I’m closing the door on my life with Jared   And I don’t want to close that door. I want to remember. Remember what was and enjoy what is. Can I love my new husband 100% and still cherish my memories of life before, my life with Jared?  My head says yes. My heart is less certain. 

 

When I told my new husband my feelings and fears, he simply said “I don’t need to be the love of your life.  I just need to be the love for right now.” How many men would respond like that? Very few I think. He loves me even though I’ve been holding back lately. He loves me even though a part of my heart will always love another.  He loves me. Period. And he deserves the same love in return.  

 

I am a remarried widow.  

I love my new husband.

I am happy with my new life.

And sometimes that makes me feel disloyal to my late husband. 

 

About 

Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.

She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief

Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.

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Carla Duff

Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less. She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.

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