If there was one thing that I wished someone would have told me about grief is that it never goes away.  Grief never goes away. Not completely. I expected it to dissipate and slow down. Time heals all wounds, right?

 

I think I had this expectation in my head, a picture, of what grief looks like.  That it would fade over time and go away. So when it did not start fading away, I became frustrated and angry.  I just wanted to feel better, normal, whatever that meant. I did not want to feel the grief and all the emotions that came with it. I kept asking myself and wondering why isn’t this grief feeling lighter or fading away yet?  I so badly wanted to move on from it. Your world turned upside down but the world keeps spinning and people go on with their life. I wanted so badly to do the same.

 

I had a couple of friends who were widows before me.  I watched them bravely speak about their experience and journey.  I would think wow, I can’t even imagine that happening. But I found myself drawn to their stories and wanting to pray for them.  As soon as it did happen to me I knew who to reach to and ask questions and just talk. They were beacons of hope for me and a source of encouragement.  Grief is not something everyone likes to talk about. It’s uncomfortable, messy and we tend to run from it. So I was so incredibly blessed to have them and groups where I could talk with others in my situation.  

 

One day, after a therapy session,  I realized that if I have to live with grief then I guess I shall try to embrace it.  Like it is an old friend of mine. I tried to feel the emotions and deal with what it gave me.  It is tough work. Some days really sucked! Some days I found joy amidst the pain. I am still working through it, but I have the tools and skills to help me that I have learned.  I also spend a lot of time praying and posting scriptures and poems on my bathroom mirror or walls to encourage me. Journaling is a huge help and helps the process.

 

I started seeing a different picture in my head.  Grief is like a storm. A storm of emotions, chaos and confusion.  I am the captain of my boat trying to navigate through the storm in uncharted waters. I have to learn how to navigate through the storms.  For me the storms come fewer and farther between but I never know when one might hit. Grief never goes away, we just have to learn how to navigate the waters. 

About 

Celi Olson is a busy, single, working Mama of two, who loves to write. Her world turned upside down when she became a widow on June 29, 2017 when her husband took his life. Words, journaling, writing, poems all became huge tools of comfort and healing through her journey. Through her faith in God, family, friends, support groups and therapy she has learned a lot and grown. Celi has come to the point for sharing experiences and what she is going through, and hopes it helps even one person or helps someone not feel alone, then it will be worth it.