Storm of Grief

If there was one thing that I wished someone would have told me about grief is that it never goes away.  Grief never goes away. Not completely. I expected it to dissipate and slow down. Time heals all wounds, right?

I think I had this expectation in my head, a picture, of what grief looks like.  That it would fade over time and go away. So when it did not start fading away, I became frustrated and angry.  I just wanted to feel better, normal, whatever that meant. I did not want to feel the grief and all the emotions that came with it. I kept asking myself and wondering why isn’t this grief feeling lighter or fading away yet?  I so badly wanted to move on from it. Your world turned upside down but the world keeps spinning and people go on with their life. I wanted so badly to do the same.

I had a couple of friends who were widows before me.  I watched them bravely speak about their experience and journey.  I would think wow, I can’t even imagine that happening. But I found myself drawn to their stories and wanting to pray for them.  As soon as it did happen to me I knew who to reach to and ask questions and just talk. They were beacons of hope for me and a source of encouragement.  Grief is not something everyone likes to talk about. It’s uncomfortable, messy and we tend to run from it. So I was so incredibly blessed to have them and groups where I could talk with others in my situation.  

One day, after a therapy session,  I realized that if I have to live with grief then I guess I shall try to embrace it.  Like it is an old friend of mine. I tried to feel the emotions and deal with what it gave me.  It is tough work. Some days really sucked! Some days I found joy amidst the pain. I am still working through it, but I have the tools and skills to help me that I have learned.  I also spend a lot of time praying and posting scriptures and poems on my bathroom mirror or walls to encourage me. Journaling is a huge help and helps the process.

I started seeing a different picture in my head.  Grief is like a storm. A storm of emotions, chaos and confusion.  I am the captain of my boat trying to navigate through the storm in uncharted waters. I have to learn how to navigate through the storms.  For me the storms come fewer and farther between but I never know when one might hit. Grief never goes away, we just have to learn how to navigate the waters.