I’ve learned so many things since Seth passed away, and one thing that I’ve learned is that being a widow is a sisterhood. It’s a bond that is created instantly with any widow you meet. It’s a club that no one ever wants to join, yet here you are, part of the club, carrying this unwanted title, living this unwanted life. I’ve found that when you become part of a club you never wanted to join, you immediately bond with anyone who is carrying this unwanted title and is part of the same unwanted club. I feel fortunate to have learned this early in my journey.
Two months after Seth passed away, I hesitantly made the decision to join a ‘young widows’ support group. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Wasn’t sure if I really wanted to go, and wasn’t sure what age a ‘young widow’ really should be. Being 42 at the time, I didn’t know if I was young or old, I just knew I needed to talk to other people who had joined this terrible, unwanted club. As I walked into my first meeting, I found myself feeling so angry. Not sad, not nervous, but spitting mad. I walked into the building and kept thinking, “This is so stupid. You shouldn’t have to be here. This shouldn’t be your life. You shouldn’t be going to any meeting that has the word ‘widow’ in it. This is going to be awful.”
As I walked into the room, and saw about 10 other lovely, broken, beautiful people, my fellow widows (and a few widowers), sitting around the table, looking sad, nervous, and just as shocked (and maybe as mad) as I was to be there, I told myself to give it a chance. As I sat there for the 90-minute session, I told my story of loss through my sobs, and I saw others sobbing, too. Shedding tears not only for me, but for themselves and their tremendous loss. For the fact that we were sitting around a table telling these terrible stories, and that they actually had happened to us. As I listened to each and every one of their stories we all shed tears, shared smiles at beautiful moments with their dear lost husbands, I found an overwhelming sense of compassion, comfort and connection with these incredible human beings.
I found within those 90-minutes that nothing quite compares to surrounding yourself with others who know exactly how you are feeling, who have experienced the same profound loss, who can grieve with you, and who have experienced every up and down, ever tear, every laugh. While we may be in this crappy unwanted club, we were in it together and shared the exact same emotions, thoughts and feelings. I felt a strong connection with each of them just after that first session. By the end of the 6th week, we all shared a deep connection and love for one another. Sisters in grief. Sisters in hope for the future and for healing.
Recently, I had the awesome opportunity to join 45 widows to focus on taking care of ourselves, while leaning into our faith and our purpose, as we have all experienced the most unimaginable tragedy, yet still have hope to keep living and making something good out of our unimaginable tragedies. It was so comforting to be surrounded by brave, strong women who are fighting to see the light each and every day. Women who all shared the same feelings, who didn’t make uncomfortable comments, who didn’t shy away from asking about your husband and your loss. Woman who, regardless of their age, or how or when their husband died, are still grieving, yet they are getting up and going to work, taking care of their kids, keeping the household running, caring for others, sharing their story and inspiring hope. Women who can cry together, laugh together and support and cheer one another along.
So, my message to you my brave and strong fellow widows, my sisters in hope, is to know that we walk this journey together. You have a community of 245 million women around this earth who are carrying the same unwanted title, the same grief, the same story of overwhelming loss. Even on the days when we feel the most alone, which, believe me, is more days than not, always remember you are not alone.
We are still here, with a life to live, and a purpose to fulfill. To make our husbands proud, with everything we do. Don’t forget the great power of community, whether it is with a support group, a church group, a new group of widow friends, or on-line support, always know you are not alone. I know that this pain will never truly heal. We will always have the aching hole in our hearts, and will learn to live with it, but we can carry this title with hope, and keep living our lives the way our husbands would want. Keep making them proud and keep living the great adventures that life has in store for us.
About Dena Benesh
Dena's life was forever changed on June 25, 2018, when she became suddenly redefined as a widow. A title she never thought she would have, or not have for at least another 40 years or more. Her healthy 43-year-old
husband suddenly and unexpectedly passed away, leaving her shocked, heart shattered and left, at age 41, to raise their precious 5-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter without him. Since gaining this new title, she is continually trying to figure out how to live this new life, and have
leaned into her faith, has focused on being brave, and has taken head on all of the challenges she is now faced with in this new life. Dena is here to share her story as she is living it and to be honest and raw, providing insight into the life of a sudden widow with a full-time career and two young children. Dena learned the importance of what she has gained through living a life well lived with her beloved spouse, and she has been writing what is on her mind and in her heart, everything from the pain of losing a spouse suddenly, to focusing on gratefulness and being brave in this journey. She hopes to give others insight into what this journey looks like and provide thoughts on how she is managing through it all. And hopefully inspire some of her hope sister's along the way.
You can read more and follow me on Instagram @suddenlyredefined or on her Facebook page Suddenly Redefined.
My dad passed almost 2 months ago. It was a sudden thing. My mom is having the ruffest time.I havent left her side and im trying to get her professional help. Maybe a church or anyone really. she keeps telling me ” How is that going to help?” Ive tried and tried, she cries all the time. Idk what to do? Any sugestions? thanks for reading this. Im sending my love to each and everyone.
I am in agony the pain is beyond my own beliefs. My husband is gone and has taken a part of me with him. I miss him so much its hard to breath. I’m having trouble finding a support group with others going through the same pain. I just need support. Please help.
Hello,
My name is Linda i lost my husband June 5, 2019. I was his caregiver for many years. Due to hiss passing i have been under a lot of pain and stress because i had to move out of my home, my life is so different so many changes i had to make , i cant even afford a place to stay, but i know i have to be strong through it all. I still have hope i know my sweet husband wants me to keep moving forward in my life. So many people expects so much from me because for 15 years i minister to the women in drug programs i would bring them into the building feed them and bring them to the Lord then after my beloved husband became ill he became my ministry. We loved each other through the storm and laughed at illness. Im trying to find my way its hard i know God is with me. And yes some way and somewhere i know there is hope for me.
I am in agony the pain is beyond my own beliefs. My husband is gone and has taken a part of me with him. I miss him so much its hard to breath. I’m having trouble finding a support group with others going through the same pain. I just need support. Please help.
You express so we’ll what others feel….hugs my friend. So proud of you fitting this new “role” into life isn’t easy , and you’re doing it with grace and love.
Xxoo
Thank you so much for your kind words and many hugs to you! We are on this journey together xoxo
Thank You Dear Dena for your “honest and raw insight’ into the world of a widow” …
A widow of a year ‘ having been the caregiver of my husband for the past several years’ due to his degenerating Parkinson’s disease’ throughout the feelings of regret’ guilt’ remorse and profound grief’ and depression and confusion’ the major reason I’ve kept my sanity’ that I haven’t gone mad’ has been the emotional’ touching personal stories of fellow sister widows’ As being the first widow in my friends’ and cousins’ group’ no one can relate or understand what a tough experience and a terrible feeling it is’ suddenly to not be a couple anymore’ suddenly to be left one’ to be in a void and lost in the fog’
Thank You for today’s therapy’… Keep well’ enjoy in good health your lovely children and their growing years’ and by faith and by God’s grace continue on this new path of widowhood’ . . . . . . . Laura’
Thank you for your lovely words and my heart is with you on this journey. I’m so thankful you’re finding comfort in the stories of others. You are so right that it’s terrible to be left ‘lost in the fog.’ Such an accurate description. Many hugs to you and keep looking towards the light that life has in store for us. Hugs!