Tomorrow will be 6 years since Jared died.

6 long years. 

Yesterday.

And forever. 

 

Typically for me the day before is the hardest day.  The day before his borthday The grief hits like a tsunami.  Sucker punches me in the gut and knocks me to my knees.  

 

But today is different. 

 

I’m missing Jared. Wishing he was here. Wondering what he would think of our lives today. But it’s not deep gut wrenching grief of years past.

 

And that makes me feel guilty. 

 

Guilty that I’m not missing him enough. Guilty that I am here and he is not.  Guilty that my life has moved forward.

 

Guilt is a powerful emotion.  One most widows know all too well. One that often causes me much angst.

 

Guilt that I rebuilt my life after Jared’s death.  Guilt that I found new love.  Guilt that I get to spend each day with our son and he doesn’t. 

 

Instead of focusing on the guilt, I’m trying to focus on the amazing man Jared was.  Remember all the wonderful we experienced together. 

 

Today I am trying to focus on the happiest memories.  His laugh, his smile, his blue eyes. The love we share. The way he made me feel.  The amazing dad he was to our son.  The way he looked at Steven with such pride, love, and adoration. The amazing adventures we shared. The priceless memories we made.  

 

The 16 years I spent with Jared were some of the best of my life.  Gave me the most joy. Showed me how to really live.  Taught me how to love without ceasing.  Time will never erase that. 

 

And that is something to be proud of, not feel guilty about. 

 

And yet I feel guilty. 

And beat myself up for not being more upset.  More grief stricken. More lost today.

 

Instead of focusing on the happy, here I am beating myself up and feeling guilty.  Jared would tell me to stop.  Stop and focus on the good. The positive. Embrace the life we had and not feel guilty for the life I have now.  

 

Tomorrow will be 6 years since Jared died.

Yesterday.

And forever.

 

I am going to do my best to honor the life we shared together.  Focus on all the joy we shared.  Never forget the love we will always share. With as little guilt as possible. 

 

About 

Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.

She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief

Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.

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Carla Duff

Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less. She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.

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