Suggestion: See a counselor/therapist/psychologist/life coach/spiritual guide/ whatever you may call it, seek them out.
If the first, second or third said guru does not help, it’s not you, it’s them. It is a process to find a helper that actually helps you. It is okay to “break up” with a helper that isn’t helpful to you.
This is the one place you don’t even have to try to fake it.
You can come in puffy eyed, no makeup, teeth not brushed, wearing your husband’s crusty sweatshirt and, if they are good at their job, they will accept you with unconditional positive regard.
Try to not get discouraged, when you find the right one, use them. Tell them all the good, bad, ugly, hateful, and beautiful things that you can’t tell another living soul.
They are required to keep your shit private. With some exceptions of course, including if you are suicidal, someone is abusing you, or you plan to hurt someone else. Let me be specific, like ACTUALLY hurt someone, not just venting about your boss or an annoying comment someone said to you.
There is nothing better than having a human listen and help you process the unimaginable without any judgement, ulterior motives, or for any other reason than to be that sounding board. That helper could even help to give you coping strategies, when, and if you are ready to learn some.
This is, and will always be, the best investment in myself I’ve spent since enduring the unimaginable. I’m a believer in counseling as I am a counselor myself.
With that being said, I never felt the true value of self care as much as I do right now. It’s crucial, it could save your life. If you have kids, do the same for them, worth the investment.
I still go to my counselor, every other week, and I am in year 5 of grieving. Asking for help is bad ass. Accepting help is even more bad ass. Being proactive in your self care/help is the most bad ass you can get.