I am not the same person I was before Jared died.
I am not the same person I was the day he died.
I am not the same person I was 6 months ago.
I feel like a mosaic. All the same pieces but put back together differently. Not that different is bad, it’s just well different.
Who am I now?
I am a widow. I am a wife. I am a remarried widow. I am a mother. I am a nurse practitioner. Those are my titles. But who am I?
How do I fill the empty space?
For the last five years of Jared’s wife, I was his caregiver. His advocate. And that took up a lot of my time. Since his death, being a sports mom has taken up the majority of my time. But my son is leaving for college this summer. So what am I supposed to do now? How do I fill that time?
How do I function now?
I am a nurse practitioner. And I’m good at my job. But it is not the same. It no longer fulfills me. It no longer defines me. My job and the accolades that come with it used to be enough, but not anymore. Now I need something else. Need to find what fills my soul.
What do I do now?
I want to share Jared’s story. Encourage others to be organ donors. Check off all the places on my bucket list. Live a life that makes it impossible to be anything but happy.
How do I keep my promise?
That is something I am always working on. Finding a way to live and not just survive. Discovering new joys in life every day. Counting my blessings. Remembering that God has a plan for me. Opening my heart to whatever my future holds. I wonder if Jared knew what he was asking when he asked me to make that promise? Somehow I think he did.
I will never be the same person I was before Jared died. I am a work in progress. Constantly changing. Discovering new things. Finding new joys. Living new adventures. Finding who I am now. What I want to do. Filling the space with those people and things that are good for me.