It is quite astonishing what you don’t know along with what you learn through the grieving process. I was quick to find out, that almost seven years ago, there is no handbook on what to expect as a widow or how to grieve.
A letter to myself.
Tomorrow is the day; it will be the day that will change every aspect of our life. How we see ourself as well as how others see us. Come tomorrow life will be forever changed, we will become a widow.
We are going to feel the worst pain we could ever imagine and it will last for years and possibly forever. The heart we housed that was strong and whole will lay shattered in tiny pieces on the ground. Although we will walk through some days with a smile on our face, most of the nights will be filled with sadness. Living in doubt happens, not sure if we are living and grieving how we are supposed to be. Doubting every step, we are taking.
Crying until you puke IS REAL, and it sucks doing it alone. The word lonely will be brought to new heights. There will be a discovery of a different more consistent loneliness. We will be walking this new walk trying to figure out how to do things with just half of us. Half of us will die the day we become a widow.
Many souls that have been part of our life will suddenly disappear. Some don’t know how to handle our grief. While others will want us to “move on” and will not wait for us. Be prepared we will lose family members and close friends. Some souls will become hardened and selfish.
Decisions will need to be made and we will have to make them by ourself. Remember they do not need to be made quickly, take as much time as we need to make the best decision we can do alone. Being scared to death reoccurs often, but in time that fades. (Thank goodness) Moments of not knowing how to continue to live will develop because some days it doesn’t feel worth it. Not the suicidal kind of not living, just the I could care less about my house, yard, car, business, lay in our bed all day not living.
Grace needs to be given every single day. This path we walk is unknown and every day there is new that arises, challenges that bring us to our knees, and confusion that can cause havoc within us. Please remember to give us GRACE.
After tomorrow we will never be the same person before our spouse passed and some that loved the old us won’t like the new us. In time we just may become a better version of ourself.
Although we are trusting in the Lord’s plan and we believe there is a greater something to come, it is ok to scream LIAR! The Lord doesn’t judge and He knows we will see the truth. Above all, He will stand patiently by our side waiting to help. He won’t tell us, it has been long enough, let’s move on. What He says is I will sit with you as long as we need!
Time will pass and we will start to figure out this new life, hard days will still appear. There is truth in triggers, and we need to just go with it. Cry, scream, get angry, whatever needs to be. But what I’d tell us the most is.
Even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, WE WILL SURVIVE! The pain will soften. Tears will slow. Joy will make its way back. Never forget…
Tomorrow is a new day!
Love and Blessings