Lately, I have been feeling like I want to be part of a team again…someone’s other half. However, the idea of dating sounds horrible. To be fair, the idea of dating sounded horrible to me in my 20s. So, it makes sense that it would sound even more horrendous in my late 40s after being widowed for almost 4 years.
It’s funny though because so many people say things to myself and other widows like ‘You are still so young, and you will love again.’ or ‘Jeff wouldn’t want you to be alone.’ What they don’t understand is that it is so hard to open up our hearts again. Then add in the fact that dating in this online world doesn’t sound fun at all. Yes, I truly believe it is an online world because I don’t know too many people who have been asked out in person. It all seems to start online.
My sister got me on a dating app. That lasted for a brief minute because I found that most men only sent likes to pictures or information I shared on my page rather than starting actual conversations. I am not one to take the lead at the beginning of a relationship, so that doesn’t really work for me.
Oh, I did have one cringy conversation with a man who didn’t even live remotely in my area that literally went like this…
<him> Hi! Do you like coffee?
<me> Hello. No, I am not much of a coffee drinker. How about you?
<him> Yes. Do you like tea?
<me> Sadly, I am also not much of a tea drinker. I have always wanted to like both coffee and tea, but I just can’t get on board.
<him> What is your favorite drink?
<me> Coke is my drink of choice, and I also like root beer once in a while. How about you?
<him> Cool. I like Mountain Dew. Especially the different flavored ones. Root beer, Coke is ok. Do you like Mountain Dew?
<me> No. I’ve never really been a big Mountain Dew fan. Never really tried the flavored ones though.
<him> You should try them. They are really good. Do you like energy drinks?
Ladies, I am not joking. That was pretty much our conversation. Now, he might have been a nice guy, but I just can’t with that conversation. Am I crazy? Ugh, online is just so awkward! It’s the worst for a girl like me.
I have accepted that I am a dinosaur. Definitely not hip at all. I don’t want to date someone online, and I definitely don’t want to get on one of the apps that are mostly about hooking up. I’m not a hooking up kind of girl. I either want a friendship or a relationship, but I definitely don’t just want sex.
I was married to a great man. One who opened my car door for me when we went on dates. A man who made me laugh like crazy and worked hard to support our family. He made me feel special and important. He wasn’t perfect. He had flaws just as we all do.
What I want is someone like that, a perfectly imperfect man, and I don’t want to wade through all the assholes, duds, and jerks to find a good guy. Yes, I do believe there are good guys out there.
Maybe those guys are like me and don’t want to deal with online. Quite possibly, like me, they are also perfectly comfortable in their life. While I would love some company, I am positive that I could continue on just as I am. It took me a long time to get here after Jeffrey’s death, but I can actually say that I am okay. My life is good, and I am happy. My desire to be a part of a team comes from being in this good place. It doesn’t come from a place of sadness and desperation. Oh, that made me think of this meme, and I mean no offense to anyone. It’s just funny, and it makes me think of all the people who want to set us up or help us find someone new.
Sometimes, I think I should just be grateful that I had one true love and stop there. Maybe I am being greedy by wanting someone else to share my life with. Then I wonder if those thoughts are just coming from the person who is scared to lose another love or the one who is afraid she isn’t pretty, smart, or desirable enough to even attract someone else. I’m certainly no spring chicken anymore. The idea of having to deal with rejection on that level just doesn’t sound fun.
Ugh, why does this shit have to be so hard? And when I say this shit I mean this “new journey” we are all on. I didn’t ask for this! Sometimes, I just want to scream! Why did Jeff leave me? Why am I still here? How do I keep moving forward?
The answer to those questions are, in order, that I will never really know or understand why he left me, my work here on Earth isn’t finished, and you just keep moving forward one tiny second at a time. I know the answers, and I am confident in the answers. I’m also extremely confident that my heart is big enough to love another.
Maybe knowing that is enough for now. I can’t see the future, but God can, and I am feeling that I just need to trust that He will lead me if and when the time is right. And if online is the way to go, He is going to have to make that abundantly clear to me. I’ll keep you all posted, so for now, I will wrap this up with a big ol’…To Be Continued.