What Grief is to Me

Grief is difficult to define and very difficult for widows to comprehend. Psychology Today uses two phases to describe grief – “Acute grief is short-term and complicated grief which is prolonged, lasting months or years. Without help and support, such grief can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness”. Widowhood is definitely complicated grief.

The world around me wants to understand what I’m going through but they want it filtered through a happiness lens. They want to hear me say, “I’m okay”, “I’m getting better”, or some other phrase that takes the awkwardness away for them. They see grief as something that will get smaller and I know that for me grief doesn’t change. I change.

This change doesn’t happen overnight and will take a lifetime. If I had to describe Grief as a character, it would be a person set out to relandscape my heart and my mind.

Enter Grief:

Suddenly, Grief appeared, unwelcomed and uninvited. I don’t like surprise company but who does? Grief’s house, my heart and mind, were also unprepared. It had walls, internal structure, and was filled with love, trust, hope, and future plans. Along came Grief to change everything . . .

She blurted out, “The first thing we need to do is put some holes in these walls so I can come and go as I please. I’ll have to do some rearranging because I’ll be here for a very long time.” At once, she began to shatter my heart and cloud my mind.

“Why are you here again?” I stammered, while trying to physically hold together my breaking heart. The fog began to form in my mind and the pieces of my heart fell in heaps everywhere.

“I’m your new permanent resident. Try as you will, you won’t be able to shake me. At times, I will appear adversarial, at other times sympathetic, and I can even show you snippets of your new future. In the beginning I will be downright depressing.”

She strolled around taking inventory of my memories, strengths, and weaknesses and stated, “All of this becomes a part of who I am; who we are together. I’ll pull some of these out every now and then to remind you I’m here. I may choose to bring it gently to the surface so you can process it as best as you can. Other times I will spew things out like a volcano, catching you completely unaware. It will be explosive! Ultimately, you’ll learn how I roll and anticipate some of the things I do. In time, the volcanic eruptions will lessen and you won’t be brought to your knees every time I appear. But occasionally, you will still be brought to your knees.”

“Do you need to remodel everything?” I asked as she rearranged my memories, love, trust, friendships, and family relationships.

“Oh, honey. Everything in your heart and mind will be impacted. Every corner of your being will feel my presence. You loved your Monty with all your heart, soul, and mind. Your love for him was HUGE so my impact on your life will be HUGE. Eventually, as the heart and mind remodeling progresses, you’ll learn to live with me. Until that time, strap yourself in and get ready for the ride.”

I have been on this ride for over two years and Grief has changed me. However, Grief remains unchanged.

To me, grief is no longer a bad word, a description of my trauma. Grief is the unexpressed love I have for Monty. It is a reminder that what I had was real and true. It is filled with so many wonderful memories but it can still cause me to weep. I find myself between “The Same Size” and “But Slowly Life Begins”. I will forever miss Monty but as this roller coaster ride continues, with Grief as my companion, I’m striving, finding moments of joy—slowly living life.

About Diana Henderson

Diana’s heart was shattered on May 6, 2022, when a reckless driver took the life of her husband, Monty, while walking across the street to go to work. Even though they were married for a mere seven years, Monty was her soulmate, best friend, true love, and entire life. They had been friends since 2008 and became one in 2014. The pain was crushing and intense. The future they planned of retirement and “happily ever after” was abruptly brought to an end. And so began the horrible roller coaster ride called Grief along with the new label of Widow.

By God’s grace and with the support of her family and close friends, she has continued to live moment by moment and day by day. She strives to put together the pieces of her shattered heart, knowing that it will never be the same but that it is still capable of love. Through praying, journaling, counseling, and meditating she works through the many phases of grief over and over again. Her hope is that the pain will permanently soften. She will continue to move forward by honoring Monty’s love and memories and becoming the new Diana that Monty will help to create.