Many of us had had previous relationships before we met our soulmates. Such was my case. I had been married for 18 years and then divorced for almost 15 when I dropped by a website, saw a picture and thought: “Well isn’t he good-looking! I should get in touch.”
That spur of the moment decision changed my life forever. It was pretty much the same for Barrie. He had been married twice and they hadn’t worked either.
Starting out as an online relationship, there were a lot of trust issues, not just between us, but also on behalf of our children. Especially when we decided we wanted to meet in person! In two different countries, that weren’t even our places of birth. I was in Spain (from Canada) and he was in Portugal (from Cornwall)!
However, for us; as we wrote day after day, exchanged telephone numbers -spoke several times a day or texted, until we Skyped and saw each other; our friendship and closeness grew with each exchange. I guess because we were online and in those early days, we didn’t even know whether we were going to meet or not, it was quite easy to pour your heart out to the stranger on the other side of the screen.
By the time we met in person, just a month later, we knew each other really well, at least the most relevant facts of each other’s lives. If we had accepted each other online and had agreed to meet, what could go wrong? We met on an exit side road in a small town close to Faro, in Portugal.
My daughter was away with her boyfriend that weekend. She had already spoken to Barrie on Skype and given her approval (LOL), she said, “Mom, what have you got to lose?” He seems pretty nice, and you won’t be here alone while we’re away.”
That’s how it all started.
I’ve often watched TV movies or series in which sparks fly when two people meet and fall in love. We were already in love with each other when we met. It was simply amazing that two people who met by chance could have so much in common, be so different and yet have such a profound connection.
So, that was the constructing part.
The deconstructing part is when he was diagnosed and how somewhere in my soul, I knew I was going to lose him. I have mentioned it before and I know now that I have been grieving a long time, much longer than just these past 8 months.
Now comes the constructing part! How a widow comes to terms with her loss, how she becomes a new person because she is no longer the person she was when she met her soulmate, she is no longer the person she was when she was with her soulmate. Well then, who are you/am I?
Like so many things in life, I guess it’s trial and error. I’ve gone back to the gym. I refuse to retire for the time being even though I could, but what would I do? I’ve hated being alone for two weeks, how would I cope for the rest of my life? I don’t want to impose on family and friends either. I mean some are happy to help, but they have their own journey.
I’ve tried new dance classes, I used to love to dance. Now I do the leader’s part because I can’t cope with dancing with another guy who isn’t Barrie.
I’ve tried training for a DEKA competition, quite fun actually, plan on focusing on this.
I even went on my first trip abroad without him. Thank God for my sister and niece. I want to do that, too! I want to travel. I wonder what travelling alone will be like?
I still do codewords because they help me feel close to him. We used to do them and the only times I ever won were when I cheated. I’m not ashamed to say so, he knew, and we laughed so hard. I miss that. I miss laughing with him, we used to have so much fun!
I cut my hair. I hate it! I’m letting it grow back to how I had it when I met him, how I’ve had it for about 30 years. I like it that way.
So, now that I’ve written that, I guess, it’s what my life is now. What is it that I like? What is it that makes me feel good? What is it that I want to spend the rest of my life doing?
Because now it’s only “me”. It’s no longer “us”, so I have freedom of choice. Not that I didn’t have it before, but before we decided what to do, now it’s just me. How cool is that? How sad is that? How am I going to cope with that?
About Carmen Medina
Carmen is a 65-year-old widow who is living in Spain. She was born in Vancouver, B.C., Canada to Spanish parents. Since 2019 she has been living in Antequera in the south of Spain. She was married to Barrie Eggington, her soul mate and love of her life till he passed away on December 23rd, 2023, after a long battle with lung cancer.
Thanks to Hope for Widows, which she found online just a few weeks after his passing, Carmen found a group who not only understood what she was going through when few others did, but also solace in her sisters in grief, a place where she could express her feelings and find the resonance she needed.
Carmen has been an English teacher and teacher trainer for over 30 years in Europe, the Middle East and North America. She still teaches English and is the principal at the government funded language school where she is currently working. She spends her time with her daughter and grandchildren. She goes to the gym every day, loves the beach, particularly Torremolinos where she reminisces about the time she spent there with her late husband.