Yesterday marks three years since I have heard my husband’s voice. He had such a gentle, warm and sincere way of communicating with others. I really wish I could just hear him speak to me again. I often imagine what he might say to me now. Usually things like… “I am so proud of you honey.” “You can do this sweetie, don’t give up.” I can’t help but tear up when I imagine it. Not only because I long to hear him so much, but also because of how much I miss doing life as a team and raising our sons together, and how lonely it is to carry on without your soulmate. I used to tell him that he was ironic because he had a serious congenital heart condition such that only half his heart functioned, yet he by far was the most loving, lighthearted and tenderhearted person that I have ever known. He had more heart, more compassion, more grace and forgiveness and generosity than those privileged with “normal” health. He was amazing. He was my best friend and my safe place and I am honored to have been his wife for the length of time we were given to share together.
Our right around 80 year neighbor just lost her husband the very day before the anniversary date of my husband’s death. Reflecting on the differences between a much older widow who had her husband for over 50 years this week has been interesting. I guess I have to confess, I am jealous of the much older widows. The ones who got to spend nearly their whole lives with their husbands and raised their children entirely together. The ones who feel like the best years of their lives are behind them and their dreams were fulfilled together as a couple instead of the young widow that looks ahead to decades of shattered, unfulfilled dreams. The ones who have enjoyed seeing their grandchildren grow into adulthood together and spent many years of retirement together. The ones who won’t have a huge amount of years left to endure without their husbands by their sides here on earth because of their advanced ages. The ones whom experienced this terrible loss at what would be considered the more common, typical or naturally expected time in life after living a full and complete life well lived. The ones who knew death was just around the corner because of prolonged illness and had plenty of conversations with their husbands about plans, wishes, and arrangements, rather than being completely blindsided by an unexpected loss as so many young widows are.
I know this doesn’t make the loss any easier. I know there is still great sorrow, grief and pain. I can’t imagine how strange and empty it must feel to have spent much of your life with that person and have your identity be as his wife only to have him gone. It must feel terrifying, almost like you can’t imagine what you ever were like as an individual before being together for so so much of your life. But, nonetheless, I still have to admit I am jealous. I want to say I had my beloved 20, 30, 40, or 50 years. I was so looking forward to reaching the 10 year milestone. But, for whatever reason, God saw fit to give us 8 beautiful years of marriage and I will choose to be thankful and to cherish the memories.
Does anyone else ever struggle with being a young widow?
Or, a young widow who is a solo mama?
Do you ever feel jealous of the much older widows?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
Support Widows This Holiday Season!
As we approach the holidays, the Hope for Widows Foundation is seeking sponsors for our annual Bring Hope Holiday Program. This initiative supports widows facing financial challenges, helping them provide gifts and essentials for their children during this special time of year.
Want to make a difference? Become a sponsor and bring hope to a widow’s family this holiday season. Every contribution, big or small, helps spread joy and light. For more details and to sign up, visit: https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows
Note: If you are a widow in need of support this holiday season, the widow application will be available at the end of October or the first week of November. You can find it at the same link.
Let’s make this season brighter together!
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it more likely to be due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.