As a writer, I spend a lot of time alone, and a lot of time thinking – mostly contemplating life. Tonight, the holiday dinner is over, the kids and grandkids are all off on their merry way, and I sit here pondering how it feels to be alone again in my quiet home. It feels natural now.
I was nearing 40 when I met Rick, so I was used to feeling single and alone for most of my adult life until that point. I’ve always been surrounded by many loved ones with whom I share my joys and sorrows, and I had boyfriends I loved before I met him, but no one with whom I was truly connected to the way I was with Rick. He was most definitely the yin to my yang. I knew I’d never felt a connection like that before, and I doubted I’d ever find it again with anyone else. It was a shock and a delight to finally find “my person” and share ALL of myself with him, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
So I married him.
Tonight, as I mused over what I once had and what I’ve lost, I realized if you add up the years before and after Rick, I’ve been a single woman, alone on this planet, much longer than those short two decades I shared with him. And that’s why I think it feels so natural to be alone again ⸺ which brought to mind a song from my younger years, “Alone Again, Naturally.” I looked up the lyrics, and most of them don’t fit my circumstances, but this one verse certainly stood out:
And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul
Couldn’t understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Wow! I felt that one.
Now that I’ve had years to grieve, I’ve stopped wondering why the only man I have truly loved has been taken. I’m past the deep grief, the questions, the regrets, and into the “next chapter of my life – alone” phase. Nowadays, I still surround myself with friends and family who supply me with companionship and hugs and my “love fix.” Rick’s death taught me that life is short, and I’m striving to enjoy my time left on earth. I’ll even continue to date just to see if it’s possible to ever find a companion I’ll connect with like I did with Rick.
But the type of aloneness I feel now is no longer that emptiness and grief of being alone. I guess time really does heal that wound. It’s simply having come to terms with the fact that the man I shared my life with was taken, long ago, and my life has moved on without him.
I’m sure there will be grief triggers ahead. I know there will be those days when I desperately miss Rick and the life we had. But for today, I’m not sad. I’m not lonely. I’m just alone again, naturally.
And for that, I am truly grateful.
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About Katherine Billings-Palmer
On August 13, 2017, I lost the love of my life. Rick Palmer and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary one month before he died at age 63 of complications from treatments for small cell lung cancer. He was my partner and soulmate, the love I had been looking for and finally found at age 40.
Rick was a talented writer and web designer and, in 2002, we began our own web and print design business. We worked together building the business and enjoyed traveling, writing, and playing together. Our dream was to spend our golden years together doing more of the same, but in the ten months from diagnosis to death, that dream shattered.
After Rick’s death, I quickly realized that the enormity of his loss was too much for me to handle on my own, so I began grief therapy. I also began writing through my grief in a journal of feelings, thoughts, memories, and poetry. As I navigate my new life alone, I share my journey and my efforts towards creating my “new normal” on my personal blog: The Writing Widow. I’m also on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
I've published three books about my grief journey: my poetry book, I Wanted to Grow Old With You: A Widow's First Year of Grief in Poetry, and two books of poetry and prose - A Widow's Words: Grief, Reflection, Prose, and Poetry - The First Year" and A Widow's Words, Year Two: Grief, Reflection, Prose, Poetry, and Hope."
I also published a memoir: "My Story: A Memoir in Poetry and Prose." All my books are available in ebook and print versions on Amazon.com.