I writing from my son’s bedroom floor. He’s been struggling to sleep the past 6 weeks or so after sleeping like an angel baby his whole life. I don’t know what it is that’s bothering him, all I know is that he’s scared to be alone. I know it can be a stage, or his age, or sleep regressions. But my heart tells me it’s that he went to sleep one night to his Dada’s hug and kiss and woke up with you gone forever.
I struggle lately with sleep too. My mind doesn’t shut off long enough to rest my eyes, let alone sleep. And in part, it’s also just that I don’t want to sleep. I couldn’t entirely tell you why that is, except that I feel like there is never enough time. Enough time to write, to read, to do chores, to watch shows, to be with our child and our dog. So I stay awake. Just to have a minute to myself. Just to find something that can help me hide. From this life; from this grief; from your ghost.
Ugh, this has been the hardest month yet without you. I find myself so angry all over again that you’re not here. I know it’s the holidays and also the past election. Because, sigh, I don’t know how to do another term with him in charge. I try to avoid making this post about politics, but I’d be remiss not to acknowledge that it has made things extra hard for me lately. I had you last time to bring me flowers with a card that said, “sorry for this patriarchal bulls**t.” on a particularly bad news day. Who does that?! What kind of husband does that?! You. Mine. I was so effing lucky to have you.
And now, I get to navigate another 4 years alone with our son, hoping I teach him enough and well so he grows up to be just like his Dada. God, I can only hope that he turns out just like you and slays the toxic masculinity and embraces feminism with grace.
The holiday time was no different. You prided yourself in not being the husband/dad that was a TikTok trend that never filled their wives stockings. You took on cooking (well, that was always) and baking and helping with gifts and filling all our stockings, mine included, because you never wanted me to expect any less than an equal partner all days of our life. And holy, you were so stinking good at it! You truly were the best at the holidays. Well, except for wrapping gifts, but even in that you were perfectly aware of how awful you were and did it anyway. And that made me love you that much more.
Our son’s finally asleep. I don’t mind these moments. I actually cherish them, laying on his floor holding his hand through the crib bars. I never want him to feel alone. He lost you while he slept. So I will lay here as long as it takes, every single night, until he doesn’t want me here and even then, I’ll be outside the door. With you. In my heart and in my soul.
Support Widows This Holiday Season!
As we approach the holidays, the Hope for Widows Foundation is seeking sponsors for our annual Bring Hope Holiday Program. This initiative supports widows facing financial challenges, helping them provide gifts and essentials for their children during this special time of year.
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Let’s make this season brighter together!
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr