In the end, I’ve gotten through the holidays without fretting as much as I thought I would. There have been tears, there has been sadness, but something his daughter said to me has grounded me despite my sadness and the feeling of emptiness. She said, “You really did have a lovely time together, Carmen, and he absolutely adored you. I am so thankful he met you and had his happiest days with you.”
Those words have made me rethink my grief, yet again; because if there is one thing, I’m learning on this journey, it is that grief is a trickster, a shapeshifter that comes and goes, and takes on many forms. Despite all the advice and comments, all the well-meaning I have received from friends and family, nothing has resonated with me like those words. Perhaps it is because a year has gone by now. Perhaps because grief has to evolve so we can go on living. Perhaps because I am a year older. Perhaps because I truly realize, at last, that I can move on; that I can be me with all my memories, my happiness, my sorrow, my new hopes and my new dreams.
Whatever the case, I got through Christmas which I had been dreading since October!
As I move towards another year, I’m already starting to plan new activities, rethink our bucket list and firmly convince myself that I will be happy because not only is it healthy for me, but it would also be what my soul mate would have wanted.
So much so, that I think he has been sending me little signals. Many sceptics will think I’m crazy and they are just coincidences, but what are the odds of being lost in the mountains in Spain, running into an English couple, his name being Barrie, his having lived in Cornwall for many years and now be travelling around searching for a new retirement home, considering Portugal as a place to settle??? Life is random and so, so weird!
As this year comes to a close, I want to say, thank you, friends and family for being there even when I didn’t really think I wanted anyone around! Thank you, Hope Sisters for sharing your love, your experience and your wisdom!
Wishing all my Hope Sisters, friends and family, a New Year 2025 that brings us health, happiness and hope. To all our loved ones in heaven, we’ll be starting another year to honour your memory and continue keeping you alive in our hearts, minds and souls.
La Navidad llegó y se fue
Al final, pasé las vacaciones sin inquietarme tanto como pensaba. Ha habido lágrimas, ha habido tristeza, pero algo que me dijo su hija me ha centrado a pesar de mi tristeza y el sentimiento de vacío. Ella dijo: “Realmente lo pasasteis muy bien juntos, Carmen, y él te adoraba absolutamente. Estoy muy agradecida de que te haya conocido y haya tenido sus días más felices contigo”.
Esas palabras me han hecho repensar mi dolor, una vez más; porque si hay algo que estoy aprendiendo en este viaje es que el duelo es un embaucador, un cambia-formas que va y viene y adopta muchas formas. A pesar de todos los consejos y comentarios, de todas las buenas intenciones que he recibido de amigos y familiares, nada ha resonado en mí como esas palabras. Quizás sea porque ya ha pasado un año. Quizás porque el duelo tiene que evolucionar para que podamos seguir viviendo. Quizás porque soy un año mayor. Quizás porque por fin me doy cuenta de verdad de que puedo seguir adelante; que puedo ser yo con todos mis recuerdos, mi felicidad, mi tristeza, mis nuevas esperanzas y mis nuevos sueños.
Cualquiera que sea el caso, ¡pasó la Navidad a la que estaba temiendo desde octubre!
A medida que avanzo hacia un año más, ya estoy empezando a planificar nuevas actividades, repensar nuestra lista de deseos y convencerme firmemente de que seré feliz porque no solo es saludable para mí, sino que también sería lo que mi alma gemela hubiera querido.
Tanto es así, que creo que me ha estado enviando pequeñas señales. Muchos escépticos pensarán que estoy loca y son solo coincidencias, pero ¿cuáles son las probabilidades de estar perdido en las montañas de España, encontrarme con una pareja inglesa, que él se llame Barrie, que haya vivido muchos años en Cornwall y que ahora esté viajando, buscando un nuevo lugar dónde jubilarse y esté considerando Portugal como un lugar para establecerse? ¡La vida es aleatoria y muy, muy rara!
A medida que este año llega a su fin, quiero agradecer a mis amigos y familiares el estar allí incluso cuando realmente no quería a nadie cerca. ¡Gracias a mis Hope Sisters por compartir vuestro amor, vuestra experiencia y vuestra sabiduría!
Deseando a todas mis Hope Sisters, amigos y familiares, un Año Nuevo 2025 que nos traiga salud, felicidad y esperanza. A todos nuestros seres queridos en el cielo, comenzaremos un año más para honrar vuestras memorias y seguir manteniéndoos vivos en nuestros corazones, mentes y almas.
About Carmen Medina
Carmen is a 66-year-old widow who is living in Spain. She was born in Vancouver, B.C., Canada to Spanish parents. Since 2019 she has been living in Antequera in the south of Spain. She was married to Barrie Eggington, her soul mate and love of her life till he passed away on December 23rd, 2023, after a long battle with lung cancer.
Thanks to Hope for Widows, which she found online just a few weeks after his passing, Carmen found a group who not only understood what she was going through when few others did, but also solace in her sisters in grief, a place where she could express her feelings and find the resonance she needed.
Carmen has been an English teacher and teacher trainer for over 30 years in Europe, the Middle East and North America. She still teaches English and is the principal at the government funded language school where she is currently working. She spends her time with her daughter and grandchildren. She goes to the gym every day, loves the beach, particularly Torremolinos where she reminisces about the time she spent there with her late husband.