The Not-So-Happy New Year

I have noticed that since my husband’s arrival in Heaven and sudden departure from earth that I now mark time based on surviving another year of grief. It almost feels like the start of my new year is the anniversary of his death. When I get to that point, which for me is mid October, I tend to reflect on having survived another of the hardest years of my life and time seems to march on from that starting point. As I start the new year on the calendar, it is hard to feel its hopeful freshness as I once did.

I refer back to the precious and beautiful love my husband and I shared as my old life. Wanting something to be your whole life and then having it for such a short time and transferring it to the category of the old life is a grueling experience. Grueling and devastating. It really can’t be put to words that could give a non-widow/widower a sense of the anguish that goes on inside. Every ounce of me wants to walk forward into a new year by his side and holding his hand and dreaming our dreams together for 2025, but walking forward into a new year yet again without him, well that just seems to increase the distance from him, and I hate that.

Yet, inside of me everyday, the love is fresh and he is a constant part of my thoughts, and emotions. I bring him forward into this new life we were handed in a totally different way than I ever would have chosen, but HE IS here inside of me. Here inside of me, yet as I look to my right or left he isn’t beside me. My hand can’t reach for his for help, reassurance, comfort or a goofy high 5. Sometimes it just feels like since my hands can’t reach for his, I just grasp onto whatever broken pieces of the life I cherished I can possibly find, and if those shattered edges pierce my hand, well I will just endure the pain and at least I have a piece of what was once entirely mine. I guess that is a challenge of grief, moving forward as the walking wounded without bleeding all over everyone around you, so to speak. Learning to hold and cherish the former life but not clinging so tightly to it that you cease to make progress. Letting go at least enough to make room for a glimmer of hope that life maybe could be good again,…..someday.

What are your reflections as you start a new year?

In Hope & Prayers,

From This Widow Mama

About Dorothy Swanson

Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.