My reflections today:
10 people could tell me I am doing a good job and that they are proud of my single mothering and widowing, but those 10 never come close to filling that longing in my heart to hear my husband speak encouragement into my life again.
Widows carry a tornado of suffering and swirling emotions at their core, yet eventually manage to learn how to put on a smile and soldier on. Feeling misery all the while walking into an unknown future. Living a strength that seems fake so that her children won’t have to carry any more pain than this tragic loss has already rained down on them.
Widows feel trapped in the now. Revisiting the past can equal pain. Sure, in my case the life I had with my beloved was a truly wonderful one and I am so thankful for that, but when I stop to the take the time to reminisce, which I so often do, sweet memories are followed by an upper cut punch of pain. I miss him. I will never not miss him. Therefore my life will always look different and feel different. I look at my beautiful carefree smile in our photos back when life seemed safer. Blue skies were ahead. Blessings were tangible. Dreams felt within reach. Laughter was abundant. It was the start of being a real family.
Past = wonderful and yet painfully lost, prematurely ended, forever different. Always a sting. Present = grief. Single parenting. Stress and exhaustion. Future on earth= I don’t know. Thankfully, the silver lining of it all is…. Future in heaven = sweet reunion with my sweetie with never another goodbye.
Widows often feel unseen. Young widow mamas often feel unseen and incredibly overwhelmed by life. Many older widows often have spent most of their lives with their husbands and can barely remember living a life without him in it. Many widows feel like there is nothing ahead for them but broken dreams.
Dear widow,
I see you. I am not you, your are a unique and special person and your grief experience is as unique as you are….but I do know for sure that…
You matter.
Every feeling you have is important and real. You have every right to feel it fully. Express it fully. Acknowledge it fully. Don’t run from it. It is important and you are important. You were made by God. He loves you. God loving us and allowing bad into our lives is something too delicate and mysterious for me to know, understand or explain. But I do know he loves you and he sees you. He sees you mowing the lawn, managing your finances, tending the vehicles, working full time, raising your kids, wiping their tears of sorrow over losing Daddy. He knows how exhausted you feel and how lonely you are. Every effort you make each day to do your best to play out the hand you were unfairly dealt is a day well worth celebrating. Give yourself a dose of grace. A pep talk even. Remind yourself that you have never been a widow before. This is new, unpleasant territory and you are doing so so many positive things that you may be forgetting to give yourself credit for.
You are amazing. Widows are truly some of the most amazing people I know. Keep up this good work, though grueling at times. It is a good work and you are making great strides.
These are my thoughts for today.
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
Image from www.canva.com
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.