I’ve been under the weather for a couple of weeks, so I’ve had a lot of time to sit around reading and watching TikToks. I can’t recall now what I was reading, but something jumped out at me, a term I hadn’t heard before: “assumptive world collapse.” I found this in Wikipedia –
An assumptive world collapse—more commonly known in psychology as the “shattering of core assumptions”—is the profound psychological disorientation that occurs when a traumatic event destroys a person’s foundational beliefs about safety, predictability, and fairness in life. Coined under Shattered Assumptions Theory by psychologist Ronnie Janoff-Bulman in 1992, it explains how severe trauma or loss completely dismantles our internal mental map.
When this “world” collapses, an individual is forced to confront a reality that feels chaotic, unsafe, and entirely unrecognizable.
Well, that certainly hit the nail on the head! When Rick died, my reality felt chaotic, unsafe, and entirely unrecognizable. I realized for the first time, that fear and disorientation were a great part of grief. The night he died, I lay in bed not just grief-stricken, but filled with fear. How would I live without him? How could I go on without my soulmate by my side? What kind of future could I have on my own?
My world was collapsing and I was helpless to stop it.
I was a woman who always considered herself strong, but now I felt weak and defenseless. I had a whole future planned with Rick, but now my dreams completely fell apart. We had a wonderful life, making beautiful memories, and now those memories would be all I had. I had a partner with whom I could share life’s ups and downs, and now I was left to face life on my own.
Yes, the world felt entirely unrecognizable.
We know life is precious, we are aware that every one of us will die, and when it’s a loved one, we will grieve. But I think we are unprepared for the fact that when it’s your partner, your entire world shatters in an instant and becomes completely unpredictable.
I attend a lot of author events, and have the opportunity to meet and talk with many other widows. I always suggest grief counseling and tell them about the Hope for Widows Foundation website and Facebook group. The combination of counseling and the support of my fellow widows in the group helped me through many miserable nights when I first lost Rick.
My therapist held my hand through the grief and helped me find comforting ways to cope with grief triggers. But most of all, she helped me to find a way to rebuild my life and feel safe again. She encouraged me to keep doing things I enjoyed with Rick that were still pleasurable alone, and to anchor myself by discovering new outlets that brought me joy. I created a vision board filled with new goals. She reminded me that I had a life before I met him and that I could thrive again alone. My fellow widows at Hope for Widows knew what I was experiencing having done so themselves, and it was a wonderful reminder that I wasn’t alone and would survive.
Nearly nine years have passed since my world collapsed, and I have rebuilt a life for myself, something I never dreamed was possible after losing Rick. I have a full life now, look forward to each new day, and have goals for the future. But somehow reading about assumptive world collapse helped to put a name to what I experienced. If you’re in the early stages of grief, I encourage you to seek some type of counseling and an understanding support group. You’re not just grieving the death of a partner, you’re also being forced to confront a reality that feels chaotic, unsafe, and entirely unrecognizable.
No woman should have to face that alone.
