Lately, I have been feeling like I want to be part of a team again…someone’s other half. However, the idea of dating sounds horrible. To be fair, the idea of dating sounded horrible to me in my 20s. So, it makes sense that it would sound even more horrendous in my late 40s after being widowed for almost 4 years.
It’s funny though because so many people say things to myself and other widows like ‘You are still so young, and you will love again.’ or ‘Jeff wouldn’t want you to be alone.’ What they don’t understand is that it is so hard to open up our hearts again. Then add in the fact that dating in this online world doesn’t sound fun at all. Yes, I truly believe it is an online world because I don’t know too many people who have been asked out in person. It all seems to start online.
My sister got me on a dating app. That lasted for a brief minute because I found that most men only sent likes to pictures or information I shared on my page rather than starting actual conversations. I am not one to take the lead at the beginning of a relationship, so that doesn’t really work for me.
Oh, I did have one cringy conversation with a man who didn’t even live remotely in my area that literally went like this…
<him> Hi! Do you like coffee?
<me> Hello. No, I am not much of a coffee drinker. How about you?
<him> Yes. Do you like tea?
<me> Sadly, I am also not much of a tea drinker. I have always wanted to like both coffee and tea, but I just can’t get on board.
<him> What is your favorite drink?
<me> Coke is my drink of choice, and I also like root beer once in a while. How about you?
<him> Cool. I like Mountain Dew. Especially the different flavored ones. Root beer, Coke is ok. Do you like Mountain Dew?
<me> No. I’ve never really been a big Mountain Dew fan. Never really tried the flavored ones though.
<him> You should try them. They are really good. Do you like energy drinks?
<me>
Ladies, I am not joking. That was pretty much our conversation. Now, he might have been a nice guy, but I just can’t with that conversation. Am I crazy? Ugh, online is just so awkward! It’s the worst for a girl like me.
I have accepted that I am a dinosaur. Definitely not hip at all. I don’t want to date someone online, and I definitely don’t want to get on one of the apps that are mostly about hooking up. I’m not a hooking up kind of girl. I either want a friendship or a relationship, but I definitely don’t just want sex.
I was married to a great man. One who opened my car door for me when we went on dates. A man who made me laugh like crazy and worked hard to support our family. He made me feel special and important. He wasn’t perfect. He had flaws just as we all do.
What I want is someone like that, a perfectly imperfect man, and I don’t want to wade through all the assholes, duds, and jerks to find a good guy. Yes, I do believe there are good guys out there.
Maybe those guys are like me and don’t want to deal with online. Quite possibly, like me, they are also perfectly comfortable in their life. While I would love some company, I am positive that I could continue on just as I am. It took me a long time to get here after Jeffrey’s death, but I can actually say that I am okay. My life is good, and I am happy. My desire to be a part of a team comes from being in this good place. It doesn’t come from a place of sadness and desperation. Oh, that made me think of this meme, and I mean no offense to anyone. It’s just funny, and it makes me think of all the people who want to set us up or help us find someone new.
Sometimes, I think I should just be grateful that I had one true love and stop there. Maybe I am being greedy by wanting someone else to share my life with. Then I wonder if those thoughts are just coming from the person who is scared to lose another love or the one who is afraid she isn’t pretty, smart, or desirable enough to even attract someone else. I’m certainly no spring chicken anymore. The idea of having to deal with rejection on that level just doesn’t sound fun.
Ugh, why does this shit have to be so hard? And when I say this shit I mean this “new journey” we are all on. I didn’t ask for this! Sometimes, I just want to scream! Why did Jeff leave me? Why am I still here? How do I keep moving forward?
The answer to those questions are, in order, that I will never really know or understand why he left me, my work here on Earth isn’t finished, and you just keep moving forward one tiny second at a time. I know the answers, and I am confident in the answers. I’m also extremely confident that my heart is big enough to love another.
Maybe knowing that is enough for now. I can’t see the future, but God can, and I am feeling that I just need to trust that He will lead me if and when the time is right. And if online is the way to go, He is going to have to make that abundantly clear to me. I’ll keep you all posted, so for now, I will wrap this up with a big ol’…To Be Continued.
About Dawn Cole
Dawn’s life was forever altered on December 6, 2018 when she got the call that her husband, Jeffrey, had passed away at his work. She quickly learned that Jeff died from a gunshot wound, and detectives determined that it was self-inflicted. Dawn still struggles to wrap her brain around that fact. She will tell you that most days she doesn’t think about that part of it at all. Her husband is gone. The manner in which he died ultimately doesn’t matter. Gone is gone. He will forever be 46. Jeff and Dawn started out as friends in the Fall of 1997. They started to date in January of 1999. On September 3rd, 2000, in front of a beautiful lake, Jeff asked Dawn to be his wife, lover and friend forever. She excitedly accepted, and on June 30th, 2001, they became husband and wife. Together, Jeff and Dawn had 3 children...Ali, Josh & Meghan. During the majority of their 17 years of marriage, Dawn was a housewife and Jeff ran a fencing company. The kind of fencing that keeps children and animals contained. Not the kind of fencing that uses a sword. After Jeff passed, Dawn went back to school to get her special education endorsement. She is proud to be a special education teacher. In her free time, she can usually be found spending time with family and friends. Reading has been her passion since she was just a little girl, but since Jeff passed, she has found it hard to focus on reading. While that is a negative change that has happened on her journey, one positive change is that she has been writing more. Dawn tries to be very open about her journey with the hopes that it will help even just one other person better understand grief. For years, Dawn has been passionate about spreading joy to those around her. She continues to be that way, and now she is very purposeful about trying to focus on the positive things even during a horrible situation. She moves forward on this journey with her mind focused on continuing to honor Jeffrey, as well as trying to raise their three wonderful children in a way that will make him proud. Her hope is to live a life that will allow her to see Jeff in Heaven. She wants to see his smile again and feel his arms around her. Of course, that will be after she hopefully hears her Lord say, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”
Dawn,
What a wonderful post that made me smile, laugh and cry. I lost my wonderful husband Michael, a year and a half ago after a 57 day ‘battle’ with stomach cancer. The exchange you posted with the person you met online was almost the EXACT same exchange I had when I VERY reluctantly dipped my toe in the world of this online dating thing (horrified that it was something that I even had to seek out). I thought, so this is it? This is what’s left for me? Like you, I had the most romantic, chivalrous and intelligent person who I was to travel, laugh and love with for the rest of our days and to me, it’s criminal that that story is no longer an option. For right now I’m perfectly content with knowing that I will be with him again and for all eternity…as this life is just a temporary pit stop. Thank you again for your words, I love that there are fellow widows like you who ‘get’ us all.
Laurie, thank you for commenting. It’s been over over 5 months since I wrote this post, and I am still steering clear of the online dating stuff. I too am still just content knowing that I will be with Jeff again someday.
Such a wonderful post. After 2 years and almost 4 months, I have tried online dating. My beloved husband died of cancer and he really wanted me to be able to have another partner. At that time, I just couldn’t fathom it and still often can’t. But I want him to know I am trying my hardest to put my life together & the isolation directly after his death during the early pandemic – I never want to be that alone again.
Anyway, you so aptly describe online dating – it leaves me feeling more depressed. There should be a better way to meet people. I think I need to and am concentrating more on actual experiences – which I am step by step doing.
Ann, I wish you all the best as you walk this journey. I wrote this post almost 4 months ago, and I am still nowhere near dating. I tend to spend my time focused on my family and friends. So, finding the time to meet someone to date seems difficult. Or maybe, just maybe, the reality for me is that I don’t really want to put the energy into meeting someone because I am quite content waiting to see my love again.
Dawn, this post was so raw and real. I’m only 8 months into my journey so i can’t all the way process it yet . But know that When you gave your life To Jesus and allowed him to be your Lord-the promise of eternity with Him is yours. I admire your strength and transparency, but I’m so sorry for your loss.
At 8 months, I couldn’t have really wrapped my brain around the idea of truly dating or opening my heart to another either. That is perfectly okay. It’s all in your time line. Oh, and the promise of eternity is what keeps me going. Thank you for your kind words!