Grief is something that widows live with and it is also what makes everyone around us uncomfortable. The reality of grief is that it’s permanent; it’s not something we get over or outgrow. Grief exists near the surface of life and can erupt at any moment in tears, laughter, or anger. Managing grief becomes a way of life and the more I manage it, by working through it, the more I heal. After over two years, I no longer need to remind myself to breathe and there are more times when laughter erupts instead of tears and anger.
At the beginning of this devastating journey, I existed in a fog and I wasn’t aware of how other people were reacting to me. But now I see how my grief impacts them. Now, much of what I do and say is sprinkled with compassion. I know I don’t have to do this but I choose to because grief has made me more compassionate. Also, my family and friends truly struggle with seeing me work through my grief. As for strangers, I don’t know their story so I go easy on them.
There are distinct categories of people that I encounter: 1) the ones who genuinely want to be there for me; 2) the ones who want to be there but don’t know how; 3) the ones who don’t want to be there; and 4) the strangers.
For my family and friends who genuinely want to be there, continue checking in and letting me talk about Monty. If I cry when we talk, it’s because my tears flow more freely knowing that you are loving me where I am and not wanting me to rush my grief. Invite me to do fun things; I still know how to laugh. I do come with triggers so refrain from talking about how people have died or joking about death.
For those of you who want to be there for me but don’t know how, the fewer words, the better. Good things to say are anything lovely or funny about Monty. He’s still my favorite topic! It’s okay to ask me how I’m doing as I’ve learned to be real with my answer but not overwhelming. Don’t say anything like, “I know what you’re going through.” It’s much better to say, “I don’t know what you’re going through but I’m here for you.” Don’t worry about my response. It would take hours to describe what I’m going through but your acknowledgement of not knowing is comforting.
Other phrases to avoid are anything that begins with “at least” as these statements attempt to minimize my grief, grief comparison of any kind as there are no two experiences that are the same, and telling me he’s in a better place as his best place was right next to me here on earth.
For those of you who don’t want to be there, that’s fine. There are new friends that are ready to take your place. This group will usually say things that are inappropriate as they are protecting themselves. When they ask, “How are you?” they brace themselves for my response. Will she be honest? Will she be sad and cry? Will she sugarcoat everything to make it easier for me? My rehearsed response is “I’m doing well considering everything.” I can see the confused relief on their faces as they almost want clarification but do not want to hear it.
Sometimes it’s easier with strangers because they don’t know my circumstances and I don’t know their story. I have the freedom to not tell them anything of significance. I learned that not everyone is worthy of hearing my story. The conversation can turn to my marital status to which I respond, “I’m a widow.” This is usually followed by uncomfortable condolences, such as, “That’s awful,” “Wow, you’re so young,” or “So sorry.” I quickly give them relief by placating them with an, “I’m doing better now, thank you.” This is usually where the conversation ends.
When people who know me and what happened to my Love see me, they face a reality they do not want to think about. Life is unpredictable, can be short, and can be devastating. All life ends. I remind them that every day is a blessing. I remind them that life is short; tomorrow is not promised. I remind them that they really need to live life to the fullest. My grief is uncomfortable for them.
When a situation is uncomfortable there is the desire to make a connection. Saying that you know what a widow is going through is an untrue statement. Even widows don’t know what other widows are going through. Unless you walk in someone else’s shoes by having the exact same kind of love and experiencing the exact same type of loss you cannot possibly understand. Every journey is uniquely different. But you can still be there for your widow friends.
As widows, we have a lot to offer in a relationship. Here is one of my favorite poems by Whitney Hanson:
If you ever get the chance to love someone who knows grief do not let them go.
You see, the thing about grief is that it’s not exclusive.
It consumes life, it taints everything a little grey.
It won’t hesitate to remind you that everyone and everything you love will disappear someday.
But I’ve found that the people who carry grief, love with a fierceness that no one else knows.
They understand what’s at stake because they’ve had to let someone go.
So they remember the little things and they show up when it counts.
They know that life is rare and you won’t have to spell it out.
So don’t take for granted the people who know loss.
For they know more about love because they know what it costs.
About Diana Henderson
Diana’s heart was shattered on May 6, 2022, when a reckless driver took the life of her husband, Monty, while walking across the street to go to work. Even though they were married for a mere seven years, Monty was her soulmate, best friend, true love, and entire life. They had been friends since 2008 and became one in 2014. The pain was crushing and intense. The future they planned of retirement and “happily ever after” was abruptly brought to an end. And so began the horrible roller coaster ride called Grief along with the new label of Widow.
By God’s grace and with the support of her family and close friends, she has continued to live moment by moment and day by day. She strives to put together the pieces of her shattered heart, knowing that it will never be the same but that it is still capable of love. Through praying, journaling, counseling, and meditating she works through the many phases of grief over and over again. Her hope is that the pain will permanently soften. She will continue to move forward by honoring Monty’s love and memories and becoming the new Diana that Monty will help to create.
My husband passed away unexpectedly May 2, 2022. It is my son, daughter, and me now trying to find our way. We have much to rebuild. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for commenting. Unexpected loss is so overwhelming and, for me, rebuilding will take a lifetime. I hope the very best for you and your family as you navigate life.
I read your story. Life can be cruel when it takes away your person. I lost my soulmate 2 1/2 yrs. ago. Although I am somewhat better, my heart is shattered and I walk around with a anxious ball in my stomach. My age of 78 doesnt help any because I feel so old and now believe I have no purpose. We were each other;s everything. I feel very lonley and can’t seem to find joy again even thoguh I do have sopport from friends and family. I have many blessings and try to focus on them instead of all I have lost. A grieving sista, Carol
Dear Carol, life can be cruel and I, too, struggle with loneliness. Family and friends provide great support and can bring joy but it’s not like the joy I had with my love. Like you, I will focus on my blessings. Prayers for my grieving sister.